Acceptance, regret or what?

[2.B.Dana]

In October of last year I made the personal decision that the female part of me had to win internally. I had been dressing mostly in women's clothes all the time and the combination seemed to really lower my dysphoria and angst. I didn't discuss this decision with my wife and that continued to erode our relationship. Upon meeting with a gender therapist and getting the formal diagnose of gender dysphoria I came out to my wife and a couple others on Feb 10. While she was not surprised by the diagnosis given the years leading up to this, the pain of this process has really gotten to me. I seem to be negotiating internally about how little can I do and still be happy.  I watched the movie "Normal" about a middle age man in a small town coming out and his subsequent transition. That movie hit me like a ton of bricks and took the wind from my sails. Watching the pain and what his family and others went through really brought reality home.

I keep going back to the basics. That I have known my whole life I was different. My wife knew for 25 years something was off with me as a man. I feel better when the female side is forward in life. Dressing as a woman every day life feels right. Although its just pants and tops, not dresses etc. It still feels right about how I see myself.

Maybe I am just trying to negotiate out the pain in the process who knows. I see the therapist again in a week to begin the final stage of HRT approval etc. My wife agrees that I should be on HRT and agrees to the dressing I am doing now. But we both have reservations about wigs, dresses etc. Who knows what the changes in thinking that HRT will bring. Both of us know we can't promise to stay in marriage if things adjust outside of our abilities to cope. Time will tell.

I am not sure if this reduction in urge to transition more fully is because of a lessening in dysphoria or fear, guilt or something else. I am having a hard time visualizing the future and that seems to scare me so I stick with what I know I guess.

Any comments from the wisdom of the crowd is appreciated as I try to sort this out in my head.

Thanks, Dana

[Denise]

Dana hi and welcome.

The barn scene and the church scene where the wife walls it in "Normal" ... I was balling my eyes out, even before HRT.  My sister watched it and by had the same reaction.

If you have not read "she's not there" by Jennifer Boylan please do.  It was like she was spying on my youth.

About feeling less dysphoric, that's exactly what I felt as I started this journey.  Like many others  thought it was gone so I stopped, twice.  Both times I became a raging maniac.  Those two episodes convinced both my wife and me that I didn't have a choice to keep it in anymore. 

Honestly 4 months into estrogen I feel better than I ever have.  My wife is still upset, but I think she understands it.