Hello siblings,
I am well into middle age and now delighting in the discovery that I am part of a community instead of a messed-up misfit.
I was born female and I love my female anatomy. When I was younger, men often thought I was "hot," and I don't think I've fallen too horribly far from that pinnacle. I love to dress female, I love high heels, and I even love pink!
I am and have always been attracted to males. VERY attracted to males. I can look at some women and think they are attractive and even sexy, but I do not want to be with them in that way. I have no problem being referred to as "she" or "her"; in fact, it would be strange if people didn't use those pronouns for me.
So what is this perfectly ordinary hetero ciswoman doing here, you ask?
Because in many ways, I am not a woman. I use the term womancreatures in my own writings to refer to women who identify as women. The term expresses the alienation I feel toward them. It is not meant as a putdown in any way.
It's not such a problem when I'm 1 on 1, but when I'm with 2 or more womancreatures I start to feel like I'm on the wrong planet. They have these high voices and wierd little laughs. They have a certain rhythm to their speech and inflections that I don't have. They can do this thing called screaming or shrieking. It's just so odd that I'm supposed to be one of them because I'm not. Yet, I don't think anyone looks at me and thinks I'm "mannish," although I do have quite a low-pitched voice.
When I'm with 2 or more men, I feel perfectly natural.
Regarding activities "more intimate," I feel like there's nothing female about me other than my attraction to males. I know we're not supposed to talk about explicitly sexual things on the general forums, so I won't go into details here. But when I hear about the way women usually are, it seems so strange and makes no sense. When I hear about typical male reactions, I'm like, "well sure, of course." Losing myself with desire has always been an issue, and I can't easily control it with my brain like other womancreatures can. I don't do stupid or irresponsible stuff like that anymore but I sure used to. I hear the term "agender" and am glad it works for some, but it doesn't fit me at all. I am too much gender, just not one of the two usual choices.
Relationships are the problem and I am very lonely. I had maybe a couple of female friends as a kid, but as an adult I never was able to make friends with a womancreature. I don't even know how. Men, well that's another story but not a better one. I'll save it for later.
I am happy to have found this group, and I am eager to learn about my siblings out there. And to learn more about me.
