2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc thoughts...

[NotSure81]

Being "different" and thinking I'd be better off a woman has been something that has been running through my mind since my teens. I cant tell you how many times people have said "you should have been girl". However these thoughts come in "waves". I could go a a month or several before the feelings returned.

2 Weeks ago I came out to my girlfriend as trans & bisexual. She took it hard at first, but I think she has now accepted. Now the problem being is that I almost feel like I'm completely normal and not trans. In the past I have heavily repressed and hidden my feelings from everyone (but accepted it myself). Earlier this week and last week, if I could have started HRT without any negative repercussions, I would have done it without 2nd thought. However, if I could start HRT now without any negative repercussions, I would say no. I do have a bit of a feminine side, even at times in "guy mode" and get some weird looks from people at work.

Since coming out to my gf, I noticed my mind has been a lot more "clear" and I have a bit of a different outlook. I've considered seeing a therapist if it wouldn't financially ruin me. Co-pays are expensive, and I'd still have to pay the "specialist rate" of $120.

Has anyone else been in this boat?

[Denise]

I found that with each step I took, the need diminished. You told your girl friend (huge step).

Now that I'm full time the need is gone.  I just am.

[2.B.Dana]

I totally get it. I just finished almost a week of "are you nuts" and now I am in a total warm and fuzzy phase of being thankful "I am a transwoman". I have had similar experiences through life and for the most part feel totally blessed that I can now experience and live out my female self. I really am hung up on the mental pain factor but it has to be experienced either way. I can either feel the depression and mental angst+++ of living as a man or navigate societies push back of being outwardly trans. I know I want the "Dana" in me to win and I pray for that strength each day. Based on what I have read and learned from my therapist this cycling back to questioning lasts a long time and is part of the process of transitioning towards your female self. You are not alone in this struggle towards the other side.

[flytrap]

Sharing something very intimate with the person we are closest to in the world and seeing they can find a way to love us...makes all the difference.

[julia-madrid]

Hello NotSure

This boat is very much filled by people like you, or me for that matter.  Some - probably most - of us don't fit into the category of knowing absolutely, and if you're not a kid then you do have many things to weigh up in terms of the pros and cons that choosing a direction would bring. 

Now here's the thing:  a lifetime is an awfully long time to spend feeling like you're in the wrong gender.  But we all take our own time to get to the point of deciding what (if anything) to do about it.  Perhaps you are not ready to take any big steps yet.

One thing that I will strongly recommend is talking to a therapist.  If you are honest with yourself and your therapist you will be able to peel away the layers of inhibitions, contradictions and preconceptions which we all have.  Sure, it's not cheap, but if you're willing to pay to find out who you really are, it's probably the best money you will ever spend.  None of this is self-fulfilling.  However, a key part of seeing a therapist is to prepare you for what my come, whatever your decision.

A bit of personal experience:  I could have transitioning in my 20s, but I was scared of the risks and didn't "feel it" enough.  Plus the surgical offering was quite basic in the early 1990s.   In my mid-40s I finally bit the bullet, had a great transition and I am finally truly happy with who I am.  One one hand I regret nothing about having waited so long.  And yet, when I think about what I could have done with those extra two decades...

It's worth freeing your mind so that you can be 100% who you need to be... sieze the moment!

Hugs
Julia

[NotSure81]

Thanks for the comments everyone.

Today is/was a day where I'd be ok with transitioning though I went through the day as my usual male self.

I'm currently 35, and in a way I wish I would have went through with it when I was in my 20s, as I think it would have been easier since I was still kind of living at home and not have to worry about transitioning at a job. I work in a construction trade and while I known several gay/lesbian people in some parts construction I've never heard of a trans electrician.

I don't have a therapist yet primarily because of the costs. But I do know at some point I will have to go that route. Sure I could take on a 2nd job and never see my girlfriend or have a life again (i don't want to go back to working 80-100 hours a week. Did that for a solid 5 years and I'd need flexible hours I might get off at 2pm, or 11pm).

Now as far as the family is concerned. I don't care. I'm the black sheep of the family and nobody is "around" until there is a funeral. I planned on coming out on facebook at the right moment. "If you accept that this is me, great. If not, do as you normally do and dont contact me." Short and sweet, and not dance around the issue. My real concerns is my current employer and the small town in which I live. I do have a handful of close friends (5 to be exact), 4 of them I think would be fine, but I dont know about the other and I've known him for a long time.

[StillAnonymous]

I'm still quiet about my transitioning with the exception of a sibling.

My "needs" have definitely gone far down after starting HRT.  Strangers often identify me as a female, but I still dress in clothing more socially acceptable for men and present to my family and friends as a man.  I feel happy where I'm out, but I do wonder if I will change my mind on this and have regrets later for not having done more sooner.  I think i'll just stick with this happy spot for now, but I wanted to share my experience because I feel like it's basically the same as you're going through right now.

[NotSure81]

Well, took the first step... Me and the gf have emailed a therapist giving a quick rundown of whats going on (not only dyphoria related) and were going to see how they respond. They also take my insurance and my gf insurance.

With luck, they can see us on the same day. Sure its a 2.5 hour drive one-way but if it helps for us to our issues than I'm all for it.

[JoanneB]

Like Denise said after each step, no matter how small or big, there is this..... sort of ease to buyers remorse. You feel a bit good about doing it, to the Shame & Guilt scream "What an Idiot You Are. You beat this before you can do it again... Why?   Why...."

I'll guess you are not near a BIG city which likely has a for real Gender Clinic or a very good LGBT clinic with a good trans outreach. However, with some searching you will likely find a "local" support group. Without a doubt, for me, my support group and the couple of special angels there when I needed help the most, has been my second best coping mechanism. The first being undergoing a ton of personal growth and working on why I felt the way I did and learn how to think better about myself as a person. But all the "Self-Help" stuff only carries you so far. Nothing, IMO, nothing can compare to being a room filled with others whose feelings and lives almost mirror your own. And the co$t is just right... gas money. For me that was a 180 mile round trip. 

If you contact state or county level Trans or LGBT organizations you may get some leads on therapist or support groups. Nearby college's may have an LGBT resource page.  Also check your local PFLAG chapter for leads. Many do a good to great trans outreach. Talk to the therapist, most are out-of network to start with, especially Gender Therapist. Many times they will work with you on the fee. It pays to ask.

There is a marked difference between a therapist and a gender therapist. When I first started to take the Trans-Beast on for real, transitioning was absolutely off the table. Been there, tried it Twice. I had a TON of baggage I needed help shedding and to learn healthier ways to cope & think about myself. My trans-friendly therapist was OK for those needs. Today I see a Gender Therapist, yet most of the issues I have are only loosely trans related, if at all. Still, she has kept me somewhat sane and alive

[NotSure81]

Thanks for the reply Joanne.

Unfortunately we are not "near" a large city, so we have to travel to get to anything specific. Her current therapist doesn't doesn't specialize in transgender issues and she is already over an hours drive. My girlfriend has brought it up a couple times, but it was glanced over. The new place my girlfriend found is in Cleveland, OH and is called "Fit Mind Cleveland" ( http://www.fitmindcleveland.com ). I don't know how she found it whether she was referred from someone or simply found it through google. She is more active with LGBTQ information than I am.

The therapist we are looking at the new place specializes in transgender issues as well as a few other issues both me and my girlfriend have. I'm sure she/they will also have additional resources as well as links and stuff to local outreach group. We both don't want to find anything local (nothing comes up local anyway). Neither of us are quite "out" yet and don't want to get outed by attending a meeting here. We are also making plans to attend the Pride Parade in Columbus this June.

However both of has have yet to establish with a general doctor which is something both of us need to address.