There is a passage in the Bible that describes the devil like a roaring lion that paces to and fro on the earth. Gender dysphoria seems at times to be our own personal pacing lion. Ready to take us out or take over our lives. I may be just in a period of being overwhelmed but it does feel like living with GD as a known thing in your life really takes us over. Like many others I got to the brink of ending life in suicide before I came to terms with the fact that something was going on in me that I could not explain and had to figure out.
Next week is the two year anniversary of my wearing my first bra. Now it was quite innocent, I was trying to control gynecomastia that seemed to be growing larger breasts by the day. What seemed innocent was actually quite profound. Something happened that day because when I put it on it felt so right. "Where have you been all my life" was what went through my mind. Now I have read on more than one occasion that the difference between a cross dresser and a transsexual is "two years". While some say it in jest there seems to be some basis to it.
It seems like at the moment a put on the bra I was zapped by a tractor beam that has been steadily pulling me towards womanhood ever since. Whether you describe it as sinking in water or quicksand it definitely feels like something is overwhelming me and strangely enough I seem to like it. Each point along the way I seem to point to something a bit further down the path and say, no that's not me, I'm not anything like "those" people. Only to find that a short time later , I am.
One of the first individuals I "met" online was a lovely lady who was 35 years post-op. She had lots of wisdom and had kept her marriage and family intact by appearing in male mode whenever her wife needed her to outside the home. After this many years she really doesn't look manly at all but does her best to please her wife's wishes. That made sense to me and gave me hope as I went along my journey because at the time I could never see myself going "all the way" and living openly as a woman or ever having GCS.
When I first met with my therapist I told her that I planned to live outside the home in male mode and continue to dress in mostly women's clothes all the time as I have been the last year or so. The only surgical intervention I sought was an orchi because I really didn't see or feel any need for anything further because I didn't hate my penis, just didn't like the bag hanging around.
Time moves on and before long living full time becomes more and more a topic in my mind that has great appeal. A life fraught with challenges, but it seems more "real" to me. I begin to look at things in a different light and soon get over my wig phobia and fear of daily make-up. Facial hair removal isn't really on the horizon due to cost, length of time commitment and my rural location but it seems that many in transition get over this hurdle with foundation. I haven't figured this all out but things seem much more positive in that direction.
I am overweight now, as most of my life outside of my military years and my male equipment seems to hide itself. One girl said she was a "grower not a show'er", another said she was "self tucking", and those seem to apply. The bottom line is my penis wasn't an issue for me because I didn't see it that much. When I made the decision to embrace my female nature and no longer deal with my penis other than bathing it really went into hiding. I sit to pee and get very little sexual response any more in that area so it's pretty much non functional. I looked at an orchi as a way to cement my journey and be rid of the boys for good, but I didn't want that skin hanging around. I learned some doctors would take that as well for an additional fee and that really appealed to me.
While time passes it seems as though I mentally sink further into seeing life as a woman more and more. My original thoughts of not wanting to deal with the pain and lifetime dilations involved in GCS don't seem so traumatic in comparison to a life without male parts and a body that matches my internal view of myself. One of my oldest thoughts and continual experiences through the years would be to push everything under my scrotum skin, or push everything between my legs and think how nice it would be if it was just all gone.
As I consider the fact that the loose skin that hides things now would be gone when the scrotum and extra skin are removed, I ponder a life with my penis poked out all the time and my head hurts. I begin to think about looking down and having my own vagina as others have put it and it feels right, like its supposed to happen at some point. Hard to put my head around it in one way and in the next moment I am ready to schedule the surgery.
All of this thought progression, associated research and online interaction eats up a ton of brain power and time. Even overwhelming on occasion. I just want to scream and slam the door, make it all go away. Why couldn't I just be "normal", whatever that is. Life seems to be in such a foggy limbo right now. I should be on estrogen by mid April. While I see that as the start of the next phase, my wife see's it as the beginning of losing the man she married. She is supportive of my getting treatment in this way but is painfully aware of what she is losing in the process. We have agreed that she is able to go when ever this all becomes more than she can handle as she isn't sure she can live with me as a woman full time. On our good days the thought of us being together forever seems so real and on our bad days I'm not sure we will last the week. She feels helpless with uncertainty and I really feel mentally powerless to "fix it". I feel so weary of all of this and just want it to go away or please, someone, just make me a woman already.
Like many others, my journey has had delays along the way. In the end, each of those delays was used to accomplish something that at the time was unseen. Through reasons I am not aware of, my letter to begin estrogen seems delayed nearly a month. I have been asked along the medical journey if I wanted to fully transition. I struggled to answer, did I want to pursue low dose HRT, did I want male mode forever, ugh! A few weeks ago in one of our deep conversations my wife told me that nothing in my life was ever done half way. I always found a way through research and planning to the job done as it were. Maybe this delay was needed for me to realize that I want to pursue a feminization plan eventually leading to full time living and ultimately GCS.
Life right now seems frustratingly awkward. I am only out to a few people and cannot live more openly as a woman than I already am at the moment. I wanted to get on estrogen and give myself the final confirmation that this is the right path before we tell more of my close family members such as our children and siblings etc. I don't want to be out socially until we see how much external shaping the estrogen will do and how my marriage fares in all of this. I have begun to adjust my eating habits and lifestyle to support a lower weight. I am entering my busy season at my job which at times seems to take over life but by this fall I will need to build into life some sort of exercise plan I can live with long term. I have also come up with a financial plan to afford GCS so my goal now is that as my weight goes down, my bank balance goes up, so at a point in a few years things will come together for surgery to happen.
And so all of this planning to what end? As it's often said, "you can't make a silk purse out of a sows ear". But really where does this end? Do we really want or need to "be a woman" or do we have to do that to quiet the dysphoria. None of us want to go around perpetuating the stereotype of a "man in a dress" but we don't want to be a suicide statistic either. We don't connect with truly being a man and while some have the perceived luxury of stealth, we can't be a woman in the worlds view. It seems for many women in stealth, that eventually this deception known only to them, eats away at them inside. We are left with honestly coming to terms with being a transwoman and living the best life we know how. I guess that's the real journey of life I am signing up for.......
