The s**t hitting the fan

[coldHeart]

  A few weeks ago I came to a cross road in my life ever tell my wife of 15 years I was born in the wrong body of take my own life I was so so miserable self loathing cutting my self most day's in fact I,ve become a recluse I could not go on like this so I broke down in front of my wife & to my shock she supported me she told me that she has always know to a degree because i used to cross dress in the bedroom & i told her i used to do it as a child, if that's what I wanted to do it was OK that we would still stay a couple it felt like I had been reborn all the weight had been lifted fast forward a few weeks she told me to day that she had been reading my emails (we both have one & she can get into mine but not me into hers) WHY have you blime,talking to the "->-bleeped-<-S" ( susans place) she wanted to know BECAUSE I needed to know if it was the right way to go for me that its not just me liking to wear women's clothes in the end we just rowed all afternoon she did not understand why I needed to do this why I needed to dress up "what name would you use" SARA i replyed she justed laughed her shocks off, my head was all over the place this was the woman I loved who told me to take it slowly but that she would stand by me now she is acting like an anti trans person, she stormed off to work telling me if I want to become a woman that's fine but I want nothing to do with I in fact she said if I ever see you dress up again we are over as a couple, I am totally devastated no way can I lose this woman she is my life she help me recover from a drink/drug problem helped me get help over my bipolar am so frightened to be without her she has friends & family I have none my only friend die lost year in my arms ( I,ve never got over that) she sis all I have so do I go down the transition road & at last be me or do I stay with the love of my life but grow old being unhappy probably still self harming into my 60-70s, the more I think to he more I want to take my own life I don't have much to live for now I,m dammed if I do dammed if I don't, I don't want people feeling sorry for me I made my own mess I rather be dead than feel like this what do I do...

[KathyLauren]

I am sorry that you are in such a tough spot right now.  Please call a help line right away.  You need to talk so someone who will listen and put you in touch with people who can help.

[Chris8080]

Very wise advice from KathyLauren.

PLEASE make that call!

[Janes Groove]

I've been there. Where you are. In 2013. Probably most of us here have.  I'm glad I made that call.
If not I may have missed out on the amazing journey I'm on right now. Because when things got better. WOW!  Did they ever get better.

[Miss Clara]

Early reactions to revealing your true gender are almost always traumatic, emotional, fear-inducing, volatile, threatening ... the list goes on.  My advice is to let some time pass.  Let things settle down.  Don't do anything rash.  There's a solution in your future that is out there for you and your SO waiting to be discovered.  It may not be a perfect solution, but hopefully one that allows both of you to continue with your lives either together or apart with some measure of stability and contentment.  Professional counseling can help you to find it, but don't expect to have it handed to you.  In the end, calm and honest communication will do the most good.

[DawnOday]

Consult the help line, that is the first step. Consult a gender therapist. Join a support group. Ask your wife to join you. Knowledge is power and understanding.  Look at the Wiki above for resources.

[coldHeart]

I don't think talking will help me any more I,m just an empty shell I didn't think a human could cry so much I never made it as a men ( had car accident a few years ago spine damage so penis has no feeling) now I can't bloody make it as a woman what am I what dose that make me I never asked to be born in the wrong body like I said before no friends no family so no one would miss me people disappear all the time & no ones misses them I look in the mirror now I do not knowvthat person looking back how on earth do people have the will power to carry on & to go full term there much better people than me.

[Dena]

You need to do this one day at a time. Call a help line or talk to a therapist but don't feel you have to face this yourself. If you face this one day at a time, some day in the future you will discover that you are far stronger than you thought. I thought it was a near impossible task to transition but over the years I found what I needed and I found a life that is far better than before. That is possible for you as well as long as you don't give up hope.

[EmmaLoo]

You have to understand that your wife's response is very typical. You are disrupting her entire world by revealing this to her. She probably has a million thoughts running through her head about what this will mean to every corner of her life, family, marriage and reputation. She won't see talking to the "->-bleeped-<-s" as supportive, she will see it as a threat to her marriage. If you love this woman, you need to give her some time and space to process all of it. I know it seems so urgent to you after dealing with this for eons, but for her, it's only been a very short time. If you pressure her, she's going to resist anything you have to say at this point and only make it worse.

You can't put the Genie back in the bottle. She's aware of the situation now whether you like it of not. Give her some time and let her know you're ready to discuss the issue whenever she's ready. Hopefully, she'll be able to discuss it with you but there are no guarantees. I don't want to paint a grim picture, but you won't be the first or the last person that's faced this dilemma. it's a ->-bleeped-<-ty feeling and my heart goes out to you. The sun will still come up tomorrow, I promise. She may surprise you.

[josie76]

Definately find a therapist with experience working with gender issues. You need a person who will listen to your feelings without any judgments right now. Someone who can help you walk through your feelings and memories. You will find counseling with the right therapist it can help dealing with all of your life issues going on right now. I think you likely have a lot of emotions you cannot currently process yourself or talk to your wife about them. A therapist is your personal emotional toolbox of sorts.

In time your wife may come to understand things. Right now she is defending her status quo. That may take a lot of time or not to change.

At some point you might suggest going to couples counseling also. It does not have to be the same therapist, but it would help if the couples therapist knows what is going on underneath the surface of your relationship. The fact you mention your wife having access to your email but not allowing you to see hers is a bit of a sign of control and or trust issues between you two.

No matter what we do understand what you have felt like and we will give you whatever emotional support we can.

[coldHeart]

Sorry people for no TRIGGER warnings but I never felt so low, frighten & alone.

[Amoré]

Sorry for what you are going through. I understand the need to be with your partner but also the need to be the real you. It is a balance in life that is hard to maintain. I also lost a lot to be my authentic self and in the end it was enough to live for.

The thing is don't think people will never miss you.Here on this forum is a lot of people that would miss you. What of the people that you are supposed to meet one day you will never meet them and get to know them if you are gone. What about the difference you could make in their life. Never under estimate your purpose on this earth. You are you and no one can replace you there is only one of you. Like me you would find your new place in life if you decide to transition. The world will start building itself around you again and a new life would manifest. It did for me and I am great full for it. If you kill yourself you will never know what it would be like to be yourself. It would do more damage to your wife also than you being transgender. I don't think you want to do that too her do you? She would rather see you happy as a woman. I know from experience because one of the reasons my ex left me is because I was suicidal and she told me she would rather set me free although it is going to hurt both of us and see me as a woman happy than see me in a grave.

I myself came out of a co-dependent relationship where I felt I could not live without my wife and child. Here I am today divorced and you know what I am doing okay. I have someone new that love me even more for who I am. I have a nice job in the career I always wanted to pursue. I see my child every weekend although she is not under my roof and I wish she was. Being transgender really puts you way out of your comfort zone but it challenges you to become better and more in life. The point that I am trying to make is all though it looks very bleak now it gets better whatever your path may be.

Keep on chatting to us on this forum we are here to help support you.

[coldHeart]

Thank you for your word's but woke up this morning thinking what a mess I,m in, I hate feeling like this i never sked to be born in the wrong body I don't want to die but don't feel I have anything to offer this world keep sticking my head in the sand hoping it will all go away but can't fight the woman in me wanting to break free when I,m alone & I dress up I just feel so happy so relaxed so me but I have no confidence to go any further so with that I don't see the point to me living

[FTMDiaries]

I hate feeling like this i never asked to be born in the wrong body I don't want to die
...
I don't see the point to me living

Actually, you do see the point in continuing living: that's why you're here asking for help. You don't want to hurt yourself and you don't want to end it all: you just want to fix your horrible situation so you can go back to being happy again. Right?

A small minority of trans people have wonderful experiences when they come out, but the overwhelming majority of us go through what you're going through, I'm afraid. I won't repeat what my husband and children said & did to me when I came out; you're upset enough as it is. But suffice it to say: if your other half reacts negatively, that can have a massive effect on your mental health... as you're discovering. I had a couple of worrying moments when I found myself on the brink of suicide when my family behaved like yours, but luckily I managed to pull myself back from the edge (with some help from the good people here) and I'm still here today to tell the tale. So I appreciate just how dark your situation is, but I can tell you that it does get better. Either your wife will improve in her behaviour (she's reacting out of shock: her behaviour might change once she's over the shock) or you'll start to distance yourself from her for your own protection. I did the latter, and I don't regret it one bit. Either way, things will improve.

keep sticking my head in the sand hoping it will all go away but can't fight the woman in me wanting to break free

As you're discovering, Gender Dysphoria doesn't go away on its own. It gets worse with time until you get to the point where you have to transition. It sounds like you're there now. You're at the crossroads where you need to choose whether to continue feeling the way you do, or to transition & allow yourself the freedom to be who you are. In my opinion, transition is the greatest gift I've ever given myself, and if my husband of 20 years decided to break our marriage vows because of it ('In sickness and in health', remember?) then he's simply not good enough for me and is a complete waste of my time. I'm far better off living as my authentic self, without him dragging me down.

when I,m alone & I dress up I just feel so happy so relaxed so me but I have no confidence to go any further so with that I don't see the point to me living

You don't necessarily have to go further: perhaps dressing at home is enough? But if it isn't, then you'll have to eventually build up the confidence to take it further. That means making an appointment with your GP; asking for a referral to a GIC (depends on which country you're in: England has several, Scotland has a smattering, but Wales has none so you'd have to go to London. NI has one as far as I know). Or you could save up about £250 to get started privately via Gendercare or TransHealth, both in London.

Yes, it takes confidence to do it. But you'd be surprised how easy it is to gain momentum once you get started. Think about what you need to do, and break it down into individual tasks. Then tick each one off the list as you go... and all the little tasks will add up to the big changes you need.

Transition is a marathon, not a sprint. It is a very gradual process of social, medical, physical and psychological changes that takes years to complete. The sooner you get started, the sooner you can achieve your goals.

You're certainly not alone in this. Many of us have been through (or are going through) the exact same thing. We're here for you every step of the way.

[EmmaLoo]

Spot on FTMDiaries.

Im a little more reserved in my feeling that everthing needs to be focused on transition. Ive seen too many people with bottled up frustrations make hasty decisions. This doesnt  mean you shouldnt transition, but as FTMD mentiod. There are a lot of less intrusive and workable solutions thay are just short of that you might try if it helps maintain your relationship. It also might give you some additional time to build a dialogue about all things trans with her feeling threatened and you jeopardizing your career and livelihood.

You can get through this. At least to a place where you can look at the situation when you arent in panic mode. Some big breaths are in order here for you and your  beautiful daughter.



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[coldHeart]

I,m off to see a therapist in a Couple of weeks time but will I last until then I don't know, I've spent years worrying how to tell only to have a brief spell I was happy I told her, i was out she as glad I told her because as she said " I always known " but now its worse that ever I feel I betrayed her trust I was my dirty little secret, I've never had much confidence now its shot to hell.

[Dena]

There is a secret to life. Everybody messes up at some point. When you do, spend a few days kicking yourself saying how dumb that was and once you have it out of your system, set about making things right. I spend three days a month after surgery in my bedroom beating on a pillow crying because I lost my job. After that, I set out to find another one and went on with my life. There is a very  small number of mistakes you can make in life that you can't recover from and where you  are isn't one of them.

[FTMDiaries]

I guard my privacy very carefully. I feel mortified if people know anything I prefer to keep private.  So you can imagine how difficult it was when I came out: I'd been keeping this secret since the 1970s and now I was going to be exposed in front of everyone. I really hated that intrusion into my privacy, and felt very uncomfortable about people knowing. But you know what? That feeling soon passed. And once my transition got underway & I started passing as male, I finally experienced people treating me like a normal human being. I choose to be as stealth as possible (because some people can get a bit weird when I reveal I'm trans) but in my everyday life I still have a lot of privacy & most people have no idea.

There's nothing dirty about your secret: you aren't doing anything wrong and you have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about. Gender Dysphoria is a genuine, recognised medical condition. It describes the very real discomfort we feel when we're forced to conform to gender-inappropriate behaviour against our will. Study after study has shown that transgender people's brains differ from those of our birth sex & resemble those of our perceived gender in several key areas. Another recent study found that trans children behave almost exactly the same as cis children of the same gender.

Nobody asks to be born this way, so why should we feel ashamed of having a medical condition? You wouldn't be expected to hide your 'dirty little secret' if your condition was diabetes, or heart disease, or cancer; it would be inhumane to pile on additional suffering. So we don't need to feel bad about this either.

You are in the most difficult part of transition right now: the bit before you can actually do much about it. But you need as much love & support as you can possibly get, so please turn to your close friends & family for support. Tell your wife how you feel about her & explain that you're suffering terribly at the moment; ask her to be as kind & respectful as possible whilst you both go through this challenge. Or do nice things for yourself if that's the only way you'll do things you enjoy. And please post here frequently so we can help you through this patch. Many of us have survived what you're experiencing, and we're here to help you survive it too.

[coldHeart]

I have no family at all & my only friend died last year I told her everything so my wife is all I have, she can if she wishes go talk to her mother her daughter may be but me I really am in the ->-bleeped-<-.

[Chris8080]

but me I really am in the ->-bleeped-<-.

It's much too early to say that, much too soon to know how your wife may react or feel once she has had the time to reason things out. Imagine how she must feel and give her some time to think. Talk to the therapist and see if she will go with you. A trained professional can help both of you get to rational thinking.