Quote from: ZombieDog on May 03, 2017, 03:25:56 PM
This is really more of a rant than anything else. I just don't have anyone I feel I know well enough to say all of this to.
Mature content warning
I've been struggling really badly the last couple of weeks and it really came to a head over the weekend. I'm a gay transman (ie I identify as a guy and I'm also attracted to guys) and a gay friend I'm really attracted to was in town for a huge event with myself and a couple of other friends. My gay friend is aware of my feelings for him and while he likes me very much too, I've been relegated to cuddles only because as he put it, his lizard brain might see my naked body as female and he won't be able to make himself be aroused. I understand this on an intellectual level but in an emotional level all I can think is that no one will ever accept my body and it grosses everyone else out as much as it does me. I was afraid to disrobe around friends that know that I'm trans because I didn't want to disgust them. Despite them telling me otherwise.
While at the event I shared a bed with my friend, his partner, and a couple other guys (they're polysexual and polyromantic). Watching them fool around with playmates was almost painful knowing that I'll never be able to take my clothes off or be intimate without offering excuses or caveats. That each time I'll have to guage their reaction carefully for signs of disgust that may or may not be there.
To make matters worse, I started menstruating and so I was forced to not only endure that but hide it as well. A friend got hands with me (with permission, of course) and I had to refuse him because I couldn't bear to tell him I was on my period. I feel like a starving man at a banquet that I can smell and see but not eat.
I've started taking risks I normally wouldn't. Drinking more, picking up smoking. Thoughts of literally trying to cut off my breasts have occurred to me with disturbing frequency. I've been more moody and less friendly. I'm struggling to keep up appearances at work, little things keep setting me off.
I've been transitioning for over 4 years now and I am still misgendered and while it's gotten easier to brush off I still feel like I've been stabbed. But I only blame myself.
I just can't seem to get off this merry-go-round of self loathing and despair knowing that I'll likely never be able to afford top surgery, Let alone bottom surgery.
This is heart-breaking, and I can relate. My experience is sort of inverse to yours because I'm MTF, but I have experienced thoughts of wanting to conduct surgery on myself as well, although it was months and months ago. Before I finally got to commence my transition, I carried a shoelace with me everywhere I went because I suspected an anxiety/dysphoria attack might eventually lead to me wanting to tie off my testes.
So, I can relate to that.
Regarding people potentially thinking you're weird because of your "down there" situation deviating from what one might expect, I can truly empathize with that. As a trans woman who just looks like a girl, I attract many straight men, and I've found myself feeling humiliated of what's "down there", even though I could never really see myself getting rid of it.
I too was at a point in my life where surgeries seemed extremely unlikely. I'm not at that point anymore because I'm about to graduate, but I remember the feeling of having hit a dead-end quite well. During these times, I was very reserved, and I found myself so ashamed of my lack of progress towards undergoing surgical operations that I hid from people.
It was so, so, so hard, but i used the shame and loneliness to better myself, and am now so much smarter and wiser than I'd be if not for the depression. I hope that you too find a way to cope.
K.C.
