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[Kathi]

Hi I just joined here and wanted to introduce myself. My husband and I are navigating a difficult situation with him basically in denial that he is attracted to MtF, and is aggressively pursuing them sexually.

We have been together 15 years married for 13, and open for 8. I'm very open minded and am curious about this new dynamic but he will not discuss it with me, at all. Trans Women call and text him at a hours and it's super obvious but he continues to lie and sneak around about it, and even tells me that he "couldn't tell" that he was talking to a transgender person. His flirting is very sexual and very obvious, and he is attracted to the fact that these women have a penis, so I know he's covering up because he doesn't trust me with the info.

Like I said we are open, so anything is on the table for discussion and I'm supportive of this .. I am NOT supportive of cheating and lying however, esp when there's no need at all for it. He used to ask me constantly to wear a strapon .. and when i finally said no permanently to that, this new behavior came out. Yet he still won't be honest with me about it.

I feel betrayed I guess and scared. He's also disrespectful to the women he's communicating with, and I have a problem with that also. I just want him to be honest with me about this issue and though I've told him I support him in it he just yells back that he's not doing anything. He can't admit it to me or possibly even to himself.

I am intrigued by his changing orientation and wish he'd trust me and talk about it. I'd love to meet anyone he's talking to and make sure she understands that she's welcome here, and that I support a healthy interaction.

I'm not sure who to talk to, I have my own counselor but she basically just tells me I'm doing everything right and I can't control what he's willing or not willing to discuss. My friends want me to divorce him.

I love him with all my heart and wish he'd understand that I support him, I just want honesty, respect, and open discussion like we've always had with each other. I also don't like how he's objectifying his new friends (they are for the most part sex workers). But I still don't like the disrespect and less-than-human treatment he's dishing out.

I don't know how to change this. Oh and also... he picks fights with me when he's getting ready to engage with one of his new friends... like sexual flirting and making plans to sneak around and meet. this all just seems like guilt? I'm so sad and feel like my life is slowly unraveling.

Sorry for venting, I don't have many people I can talk to about this.

[Kathi]

I guess this post doesn't really fit anywhere on your site, but I have begun to wonder if his attraction to these women might mean that he wishes to transgender himself? I suppose time will tell.

[Megan.]

Hi and welcome!
Like many here I lived in a serious amount of denial for many years,  cross-dressing for decades,  but you'd have to have held my feet to a fire before I might ever have admitted it!
I'm not saying your partner is trans,  but they may be unable to admit to themselves out loud what they're attracted to.
If not already , I'd suggest they talk with a therapist,  in a secure confidential environment they might be comfortable enough to open up about these things,  and that might then help in the relationship between the two of you. I wish you both the best.  X

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[RobynD]

Sorry that you are experiencing that. Therapy and as open and honest communication as possible are the best prescriptions for changing and healing that. Presumably you all had a commitment to monogamy and he is breaking that, not you, so i think he needs to face that.

Also - his orientation is not really changing. Trans women are just women.

Great job on loving him unconditionally enough to pursue help and advice

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. This is not so much a transgender issue but a trust issue in your relationship. You need to decide what you want out of the relationship and then you should consider couples consoling. If he will not agree to couples consoling, I suspect your relationship is near it's end. You can't save the relationship by your self and for your well being don't stay in a relationship that only brings you unhappiness.

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[Wednesday]

His attraction towards trans women may include desires to be transgender himself or may not. There is a chance, but nothing for sure.

Also the amount of denial he's having about the issue sounds pretty common. Even today many young men raised in very open-minded have issues in accepting this and may not be open at all about it.

Its also common the fact many men treat us with very little respect or concerns, its something I call "being treated as a second class woman": they show little or no concern about being nice, or polite, just like they are with the other women. They just go straight for what they want (a thing which I regard as showing their true colors once they dont feel any social pressure to treat you better).

Finally I can get why you may be really annoyed at his attitude and to the fact he's lying to you. Also from what I know he may not be experience anything like a sexual orientation shift. His liking for transwomen probably has been there from as long as he can remind and just happened he began acting on it.

[PartnerToButchLesbianMTF]

Wow. That's scary to witness objectifying behavior and not be able to talk about it.

Have you tried writing a letter and asking for acknowledgement it was read?


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