Terrified w/prospect of going to therapist as Sarah

[Sarah.VanDistel]

Hallo Laurie & Elkie!

Nice to see you both again! Yes, there was a huge and very positive evolution the last couple of weeks. The fear is just not yet totally gone, but I feel that I am much more in control. This whole coming out to (a small part of) world was also an excuse as good as any for a bit of self taught cosmetics. I managed to find an interesting little course about makeup for feminization and I believe I has done miracles! I'm looking very much forward to try on the new ideas (super enthusiastic about the techniques to hide that #@!*# grey shade... grrrr... lol).

Anyways, the last couple of days I've been quite busy with 24h work shifts almost day-in day-out (not yet out at work, so Sarah still works undercover... shhhht...) so when I'm not working, I'm recovering (in Sarah's pyjamas, mind you! lol)... From Saturday on I'll have a 5-day break, perfect for Sarah to resume her little experiments... And the 25/07 it's my next session with the therapist; can't wait for it as I'll certainly go as Sarah (outfit already chosen!)

Now, I feel that along those experiments, I'll become more and more desensitised to shame and it will get easier to NATURALLY go out as Sarah. At the present moment, when I do that, I still feel that it's a huge deal... Well there has been progress!

I promise to keep you girls updated, with photos n' all (if you're not bothered by the photos, that is). I'm also hoping that my account will give some interesting ideas to any other girl who is considering taking this very important step.

Big, warm and thankful hug!

Sarah

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[Sarah.VanDistel]

Hi Sarah, when I first went to see a therapist as the woman I have always know that I am, I was as terrified as you are.

Soon I discovered that people have their own lives and their own concerns and that they don't pay attention to what others look like.

If you feel insecure you will project that.

So the more in control, you feel the more confidence you will exude.

You look lovely, maybe some bigger and more feminine sun glasses will help you feel better.

Ask for permission if you feel you must, but this is about you and how you feel. What you therapist think or believe is not your concern.

You don't mentioned anything about your HRT dosages but as a sister I would recommend that your pay a lot of attention to your hormonal regime.

Once that you start hitting the mark, the transformations will be magical. When people started calling me madam even when I was dressed as before I was so surprised that I was incredulous... But so happy as well that I was invaded by an air of elation. It was that I felt that I was free at last.

I hope you will succeed and that your life will be touched in the outside with the same strong femininity we all carry inside.

Lots of luck to you dear sister.

Best, Mara


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Hi Mara!

Thank you so much for taking the time to comment! It's always good to know about people who have been through this!

I don't know if you read the remainder of the thread, but I finally went to my session as Sarah and it went much better than anticipated (and without previous permission!). So much that a couple of days thereafter, Sarah ventured again in the open world, in a big city and it was a positively memorable experience... I no longer felt fear, but in fact a desire for moooooooore!

About the sunglasses, I did buy a pair of Ray Bans with a style that I'm comfortable with. They are not ultra-feminine, but I feel that they fit my style. Besides, I live under the (hopefully not too false) impression that I have nice cheekbones and I'd prefer no to hide them with oversized sunglasses. I felt that the sunglasses are a bit of a smoke screen, but to tell you the truth, I feel more genuine (and perhaps also a little more nervous, lol) when I'm not using them. I don't know about other people's opinion about that but... well... I like my eyes... They might even be a bit... beautiful, dare I say? So I prefer not to hide them. But again, it's true that the sunglasses give me an illusion of more safety. But nonetheless an illusion...

I didn't mention the dosage of my medication because: 1) it is forbidden by the terms of the forum and 2) it would have limited usefulness because as you know the choice of medication and its dose should be adapted to each woman, according to her hormonal levels, clinical response, adverse effects, risk factors, local protocols, etc. Suffice to say that I'm on a pretty standard regime for an European country (estradiol valerate + ciproterone acetate) with dosages that keep my T levels well below normal male levels and even lower than most women, and which have been providing me with a very (surprisingly and almost unexpectedly) nice physical feminization. Btw, I've been on HRT since almost 5 months and am under supervision of an experienced endocrinologist (and as a plus, I am a MD myself, internist + endocrinologist + emergency physician so I usually pay much attention to my levels).

I've already witnessed some incredibly comforting situations, one of them being the waiter of a restaurant calling me "Mrs". I think it was the first time... and wow! What a sensation!

Thanks again for dropping by and hope to read again in the future!

Warm hug, Sarah

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[elkie-t]

Hi Sarah, I agree with your take on sunglasses. They are cool and give you some protection when needed. And at the same time, they cover your beautiful eyes and create an impression that you need that protection and afraid to meet other person face to face. I think even if you wear sunglasses, some minimal eye make up still needs to be there and a person shouldn't be afraid to lift them up on her head if she enters a darker place, or where it is culturally expected.

As long as they are an accessory and nothing but a sun protection, (but not crutches) dark glasses are a good tool.


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[Laurie]

Now, I feel that along those experiments, I'll become more and more desensitised to shame and it will get easier to NATURALLY go out as Sarah. At the present moment, when I do that, I still feel that it's a huge deal... Well there has been progress!

Sarah

  Sarah I completely understand that lingering fear you feel when you go out. I still feel it a bit too and I've been running around in girl mode for about 5 weeks now in many different setting from one coast of my country to the other and back. Today I was doing various things in my apartment complex in a skirt for the first time. % weeks in and yes there still was that nagging bit of fear about it. But I said to myself "you've committed to trying full time so get your butt out that door" and that is what I did.  You will find it getting easier for you with every outing you make.
   And yes were relate our adventures here in hopes of inspiring and helping  someone else get past their fears.

Keep up what you are doing Sarah and you'll be just fine.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Sarah.VanDistel]

So yesterday was my third therapy session and, as you've guessed, I couldn't help but go as Sarah. The few days before I was busy learning one or two more things about make-up. It still takes an eternity to get ready... I'm sure that practice will make perfect... and faster! I went like this (sorry, no full body, perhaps next time):



Anyways, the session went really well. We discussed my progress along the last two weeks, as well as my two biggest issues at this moment: my 5 o'clock shadow (which is really difficult to conceal, albeit not impossible... but improving very much) and my male facial features... I feel that the moment I get my FFS done, it will be a major breakthrough because I will feel much more confident. I'd like to anticipate it a few months (around February). However, for now, I'm well aware that I must keep "training" with real world situations, both to lose the fear and shame, but also to find out how good (or bad) I am at dealing with adverse situations...

Another of the big deals that is about to happen is that I asked my boss to think about a date for a meeting between us, preferably outside of the workplace, because I intend to inform him of some personal stuff which will have some repercussions at the workplace - talk of an euphemism!   So hopefully, I'll be coming out to my boss in a few days! Wow! I see progress! I'm excited!

As for other adventures into the real world, I haven't done much except for yesterday, because of some stuff that I had to do in my male mode - so anxious to get rid of that mode! Next Friday I'm planning on going to a museum in Antwerp and to have lunch or dinner there (depending on at what time I'll be going)... as Sarah, of course!

And next week is my first appointment with the voice therapist! Finally!

I'll keep you posted... This thread turned out to be a diary of a sort.

Peace & Hugs, Sarah


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[Sarah_P]

Ugh... 5 o'clock shadow! I've gotten pretty good at covering it up, but I just wish it was gone. Just had my 2nd laser treatment this last weekend. I know I can't expect instant results, but I just want it to go away!

Good luck with the boss! Hope everything turns out well. One of my bosses ended up becoming a close friend afterwards, and has given me tons of clothing & makeup advice. In fact, I'm looking forward to finally going shopping with her (as Sarah!) sometime in  the next few weeks.

Enjoy your museum visit!

[sarah1972 ✅]

Hahaha... this Sarah also went as Sarah to her therapist yesterday. And than for some more therapy at Nordstrom Rack shoe shopping

[Sarah.VanDistel]

Ugh... 5 o'clock shadow! I've gotten pretty good at covering it up, but I just wish it was gone. Just had my 2nd laser treatment this last weekend. I know I can't expect instant results, but I just want it to go away!

Good luck with the boss! Hope everything turns out well. One of my bosses ended up becoming a close friend afterwards, and has given me tons of clothing & makeup advice. In fact, I'm looking forward to finally going shopping with her (as Sarah!) sometime in  the next few weeks.

Enjoy your museum visit!

Yeah, darn shadow! I recently found about using deep red lipstick as color corrector and it does work! I love to put on make up, it makes me feel cute, but I dream with the day when I'll be able to go outside as Sarah with nothing more than a touch of primer!

As for my boss, although I tend to be a "worst case scenario" kind of girl, I'm pretty confident he won't have a rage burst or a laugh attack... lol  However, since he's a bloke, don't think he's going to give me clothing or makeup advice! But it's definitely super cool that you were able to make a new friend! Maybe that will happen with some girl(s) at my workplace... it would be nice because I'd feel more accepted and integrated.

Hugs! Sarah

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[elkie-t]

Why are you insisting on wearing the jacket? It seems to hide your breasts, emphasize shoulders and is just dull a little (yet maybe warm and comfortable, idk)


But I liked your new headscarf! It looks very nice

[Sarah.VanDistel]

Hahaha... this Sarah also went as Sarah to her therapist yesterday. And than for some more therapy at Nordstrom Rack shoe shopping

Hihihi... Well, this Sarah here decided that she had a pressing need for therapy before the therapy, so she found a cute new scarf at the mall and... ready to leave for the other therapy! Lol

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[Sarah.VanDistel]

Why are you insisting on wearing the jacket? It seems to hide your breasts, emphasize shoulders and is just dull a little (yet maybe warm and comfortable, idk)


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Humm... Because it was like 14°C outside ? A bit too cold for a simple top with spaghetti straps and a bra. When I got at the clinic I took it out! It's not that I'm embarassed or anything and I really don't mind showing my breasts (their contour, I mean). Elkie... next time I'll post a pic in public, it'll be without a jacket... just for you! Hahaha

Big hugs, Sarah

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[elkie-t]

Hugs. I thought that might be the case. It's one crazy and cold summer.

I'm happy for you coming coming out at work! That's the biggest obstacle to living full-time as much as you want as Sarah and it will be removed soon!


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[elkie-t]

I looked back at all the pics you posted here. Imho this headscarf goes best with your red lipstick (the black one was also stylish though - worked in unison with your shirt then).
And a white one might be good too for hotter days if it is the same wrap-around style. But orange on orange seems a bit too much red all imho, take with a grain of salt


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[Sarah.VanDistel]

I looked back at all the pics you posted here. Imho this headscarf goes best with your red lipstick (the black one was also stylish though - worked in unison with your shirt then).
And a white one might be good too for hotter days if it is the same wrap-around style. But orange on orange seems a bit too much red all imho, take with a grain of salt


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Yes, I totally agree. I did look back at my pics myself and, although the orange was very lively and joyful, it was overwhelming and deviated looks from my lips and eyes to my headscarf. The black and the blue scarves worked much better. Coincidentally, I ordered today 3 cute scarves in cream, wine and teal. Nothing too flaming. Can't wait to receive them!

In Belgium, summer doesn't last long and soon enough I'll have to think about an Autumn wardrobe (it gets very, very rainy here)... Boots... Coat... Trench coat? Some warm tops, also... I anticipate a spree of shopping in September!

I'll be seeing my boss tomorrow morning. I hope he'll already have a suggestion for a date for my big revelation... Something so big - I'll keep you posted for sure. I didn't mention it, but yesterday my therapist gave me two guides (in Dutch) with the titles "Transgenders at work - tips and information for employers and employees" (published by the Flemish Authority) and "Guide for the support of transgenders at work" (published by the Institute for the Equality of Women and Men). She told me she would obtain more copies for me, but if I wished I could give the ones she gave me to my boss. Very cool from her and it's good to know that we live in a place where there are structures in place to facilitate transition and protect transgendered people.

Sarah

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[Sarah_P]

Hahaha... this Sarah also went as Sarah to her therapist yesterday. And than for some more therapy at Nordstrom Rack shoe shopping

That's some therapy I could go for! I've been expanding my wardrobe thanks to some great finds at some second hand shops, but I've been woefully deficient when it comes to shoes.

[elkie-t]

That's some therapy I could go for! I've been expanding my wardrobe thanks to some great finds at some second hand shops, but I've been woefully deficient when it comes to shoes.

Payless, Nordstrom rack...

[Sarah.VanDistel]

Payless, Nordstrom rack...

Nordstrom Rack doesn't exist here, but it looks like a fashion retail clothing store... Would it be a bit like C&A or H&M?

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[elkie-t]

Nordstrom is expensive fashion retail carrying shoes up to size 13. Rack is their discounted version where they sell at reasonable price what they couldn't sell at full price.

Payless exists everywhere in USA though and they have a decent selection of good looking and real cheap shoes (that won't last for too long - man made materials).


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[Sarah_P]

Payless, Nordstrom rack...

I know about Payless, but not Nordstrom Rack- that's new to me! thanks!. I've been meaning to run by Payless (even though the nearest one to me is 30 miles), or just order some online (I like to see them in person first, though).
The main problem being money. My budget is pretty tight (thus the frequenting second hand stores).

[elkie-t]

I know about Payless, but not Nordstrom Rack- that's new to me! thanks!. I've been meaning to run by Payless (even though the nearest one to me is 30 miles), or just order some online (I like to see them in person first, though).
The main problem being money. My budget is pretty tight (thus the frequenting second hand stores).

You can look online what is available at that particular store (which is quite accurate - and helpful to decide if you want to drive 30 miles) as well as order online to the store, or order online and return to the store if you don't like it. I'd recommend buying 2 pairs of shoes to use their discounts for second pair. Good luck with finding the money to do shopping.