I'm back tried to fight the beast and lost

[Randy1980]

So I was on here a good bit about a year and a half ago.. I was thinking about transitioning but then figured my dysphoria wasn't as bad as most. It wasn't causing me depression or suicidal thoughts I've never had problems with that. I've just always known that I wanted to be a woman since like 5 yrs old. Because of my family and work I decided I would just try to fight it and see if I could keep it under wraps just as I've been doing the last 36 years.. Well I was doing ok for a bit but all of a sudden dysphoria came back with a vengeance.. the last month I had been dealing with a lot of depression and even some suicidal thoughts entered my head not like I wanted to kill myself just a thought that it would be an easier road to take then transition or deal with the depression . So after all that and a lot of soul searching I've decided I need to transition and I'm starting today. My wife and I have an appointment back with the gender therapist thursday. Where I will begin the process of getting on hrt. In the mean time my wife is a personal trainer so she is going to be putting me on a feminizing diet and exercise routine. I'm going to take it really slow though I plan to be on hrt for a few years before coming out and living full time just because I need to make sure my family is financially secure and taken care of and I'd really like to give hrt time to do it's thing and also to save money for any surgeries I may need.. the great thing is as soon as I truly made the decision to transition. I have been the happiest I've been in years so I know it's the path I need to take. Just wanted to share and say I'm back

[Randy1980]

Oh also I will be documenting the diet and exercise routine very well before and during her with pictures and measurements over the next year or 2 so if anyone is interested on how it goes and what I did I will share photos. I know my wife will come up with a great program

[AlyssaJ]

Well I'm sorry to hear that you got to that point of suicidal thoughts, but I think many of us here (myself included) can relate.  It took me 39 years of thinking I could fight it off, bury it, deny it before the recurring dysphoria got so intense that I started having those same thoughts and finally decided I had to do something. 

Your wife's support is an immeasurable gift that I'm sure you know many of us would love to enjoy.  My wife is a personal trainer as well but she'd have to make some huge steps in accepting me before I could picture her ever devising a workout regime for me to help make me more feminine.  I'm very happy for you that your wife seems to really have your best interests at heart and is willing to support your transition efforts so directly.

Ultimately, I'll say congratulations.  Not because you're trans but because you seem to have come to a conclusion that will help you eventually discover peace in your life.   It's great to have you back!

[Randy1980]

Thank you I'm really affraid but really excited about the future I know I have a long tough but rewarding road ahead of me. And yes my wife is amazing I truly lucked out when I married her

[Amoré]

It is a big step to take but one of the most liberating things one can do if you choose to transition. Having a personal trainer wife is a big plus I could do with a bit of help myself as I have muscle to lose and would love to have a exercise plan and diet to do that for me. The problem is with dysphoria if you push it away it goes to the bottom of the basement and lift weights. It comes back stronger. So the cycle continues until you can't deal with it anymore. You may have reached that point. Then the hard part comes in. We choose to transition because that is the only way we can choose good health, sanity, and fight back against dyshoria because this is what people don't get going on living as the gender we where born as once again just makes us put dysphoria back in the basement again.

[Cheaney]

Well I certainly know how you feel/felt. I can't fight the beast anymore either. I don't have as supportive of a wife as you do but she took the news a lot better than expected. Will be following your story! Glad you found some answers, I hope I can too!

[Randy1980]

You will find your answers vickieblue I never thought I would and I never thought I would be able to make the decision to transition but like my wife tells me it's all a process as ll the emotions we have all the depression it's all a process of self discovery and being able to finally except who we are.. and that leads to making the decision to doing something you just have to keep going through the process untill you are finally ready I've been going through it for almost 2 years back and forth since I came out to my wife and I've just now finally made the decision to do something... I hope your wife comes around and is able to be supportive just be open about your feelings and be completely honest

[davina61]

Wish my wife was like that, 2 days after coming out I was on the street (well my moms) , didn't think I had dysphoria till I came out, 50 years worth. Welcome back to the club, pull up a chair and enjoy.

[KathyLauren]

Sorry that you went through a rough spell, but congratulations on your decision.  I tried to fight it for 60 years before I decided to transition.  I am so glad for you that you have a supportive wife.  I do too, and it is the best thing ever.

[Randy1980]

Yes Devin my dysphoria went crazy after I came out to my wife it wasn't a problem when it was my dark secret it's like I let it out now there is no way to put it back so I have to transition

[coldHeart]

Sounds like you have a wonderful wife there, mine along with my friends dropped me like a brick.
Sara.

[Randy1980]

Yeah I'm not sure if I could do this at the thought of losing her I hope she's as awesome when the changes start T9 happen but the way I see it there would be just as high of a chance of losing her if I didn't transition because depression was setting in hard and I was beginning to be a drag and not to pleasant to be around people can only put up with that for so long

[Randy1980]

Oh my she just took before pictures of me in boy shorts and a pink Cami and it is very discouraging to see how far I have to go it scares me I had to go look at timelines to get some hope back lol I am one hidious woman lots of work to do

[RobynTx]

A lot of us started in the same place.  I fought it for a long time as well before finally freeing myself.  My wife is wanting to stay by my side and I honestly don't think I can do it without her. 

[Randy1980]

I know Robyn it's like having a living coach an expert on how to be feminine she's excited to teach me she gets s kick out of it and said she's looking forward to laughing at me and teasing me she deserves to have s little fun at my expense I'm fine with it coming from her it will bring humor to the whole situation

[Janes Groove]

Maybe it might help to stop thinking of your authentic gender identity as "the trans beast." And that you have lost when in fact it is a pretty big win.   Many times a paradigm shift can really work wonders.  I personally think of it as a gift.  Negative emotions and ideation can cloud the mind and blind one the the awesome and wonderful things that transition promises and delivers.

[Randy1980]

That's a good perspective to have.. but I was referring to the dysphoria B3 in the beast causing me much pain and depression I thought I could beat it but I was wrong I came to except myself and now am excited and happy to transition scared but happy

[Janes Groove]

Oh. Sorry. Well congratulations on defeating your dysphoria.

[Dan]

It's great news! Finally you are on your way and you have the full support of your SO. This is just the best.

It is a bit of a myth that the degree of trans one feels is related to depth dysphoria with inevitability of wanting to self-destruct. I used to think I couldn't be trans because I wasn't into self-destruction. Well, my reading of the literature disabused me of that notion pretty quickly.

I learned to live with my dysphoria for quite a long time. It was always there, like a hibernating bear, never really asleep but not causing me harm. Some of us don't go down that path, but the dysphoria can reach a point where positive action needs to be taken, because that bloody bear just doesn't want to stay asleep  :🙂

Good to see things are looking up for you finally. It will be an amazing journey of self discovery!

[SailorMars1994]

Naaah, losing would be staying male. You are winning <3