Still Trans enough without cross dressing?

[2.B.Dana]

Following my coming out to my sisters recently one of them followed up our meeting with what one may call an email full of loving condemnation. It has thrown me into a dysphoria pit like I haven't been through in awhile. I guess what makes it worse is that the 4 or 5 days leading up to it were probably the best I can remember.

So I am rehashing issues I thought were settled. One thing that continues to nag at me is the strong theme of a history with cross dressing among those who frequent this site and most others who deal in trans issues.

I personally never went through years of secret or not so secret cross dressing. Are there others who have a similar story? I certainly had an attraction to lingerie but never crossed the line. A couple years ago I began wearing bras daily to deal with major gynecomastia. That act blew the doors wide open on my internal trans closet. It escalated to the point where almost all my clothes worn on a daily basis including work are women's but tilted in the androgynous direction.

Anyway, if you are out there, folks who didn't routinely Cross dress leading up to your personal discovery that you were trans I would appreciate hearing from you, thanks

[Devlyn]

I never crossdressed until I was in my forties. Things did escalate rapidly from there. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[Michelle_P]

You don't need to cross-dress to be trans.  Like any other part of gender expression that goes against our assigned sex, it is a taboo in Western culture.  Many of us have broken this taboo in secret.  Others have internalized the cultural taboos to such an extent that they would never consider the possibility, until it is forced on them.

It sounds like your gynecomastia forced the issue on you and broke down your internalization of the taboo.

Breaking taboo is just a behavior, ultimately.  It is not a measure of 'how trans' someone is, as much as a demonstration of psychology and cultural conformity.

What makes you a transgender person is having a gender identity that doesn't match your assigned sex.  With that mismatch, a person is transgender.

[Gertrude]

Since I was 5 in secret.


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[amberwaves]

I didn't crossdress until 30 and it was only a handful of times.  I eventually proceeded to underdressing (panties instead of boxers) by 32ish and it wasn't consistent.  It wasn't until mid 34 I said screw it I will dress how I want in the privacy of my house.  Not long after I realized I was trans.  Whosh into a year filled with therapy and hormones.

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[JoanneB]

... It escalated to the point where almost all my clothes worn on a daily basis including work are women's but tilted in the androgynous direction.

What part of "Not Cross Dressing" am I missing here?

If you know you are not cis then you are trans. There is no other "Qualifier" IMO. There is no Rule Book. No natural order of events to allow you into this miserable club. Where "On the Spectrum" you are living, Today, is often a bi-directionaly moving target.

[Sno]

Family!
Sweetie, you deserve a hug.
Michelle is right. Clothes does not make the the woman, or man, or anything else. Nor does makeup. What they do, is allow a demonstration of which of the cultural and societal tribes we belong to, loosely, or tightly. My choice is to not transition, for many reasons, yet I am trans. My choice is not to dress in a way that would align me with the tribe I am most strongly aligned with, because I could no longer keep my promises to myself. I resist, and I am rigid about it - I am playing the tribal clothing game, in a comfortable niche that is more hobo than boho, but I can manage, but internally I know that if I disrupt this 'comfortable discomfort', I will disrupt everything... and that is why I resist.

So yes, I do not have the history of dressing, but I do have the history of catalog, and online window shopping...

Rowan

[Cailan Jerika]

I never really tried to crossdress when I thought I was a cis female (I may have subconsciously gone that direction a little when I was a teen, though), and I still prefer to dress femme as a transmasculine person. I just think it's a better look for the body I have, plus, men's fashion is boring. It's entirely possible I may get all the way through SRS and still not dress as a guy on a regular basis. There are no rules to being trans except to feel your gender and your physical sex don't match. That's it, period.

[Steph Eigen]

Crossdressing is the symptom of,  not the causal relationship or necessary condition for being trans for the majority of us.  Nearly all of us crossdress to some extent or at some time in the course of evolution of our insight into our transgender state.

[Anne Blake]

I made it to the beginning of my 67th year with no idea of gender identity conflict or any form of cross dressing. I then tried on a kicky skirt and I began cross dressing for 2 months until I realized it was way more than that and I began transitioning to me. That transition began part time presentations out and about, hrt, full time and now I am just short of 8 weeks away from GCS. I suppose that I have been in one form or another transgender since early in my 67th year but I am going to avoid giving different labels to the periods of transition and I will just call the whole thing a journey that has yet to know an endpoint. And I am loving the ride.

[kelly_aus]

Either you are trans or you are not, it's that simple. Many do not cross dress before they transition, that's not uncommon. As for "Am I trans enough because my story doesn't match others?", it's a crock, there's no such thing and no two trans peoples stories are ever really the same.

[LizK]

Whilst I did cross-dress when I was younger and occasionally prior to my transition. I could not get any real satisfaction from it...not even a sexual one. I guess the feelings of the different materials were sensual to a point but none of it paled in comparison to the awful spiral of self loathing and hate after each attempted episode of cross dressing. The having to stop and pack it all away was more than I could handle so I did it very very rarely when I just could not help myself anymore, It disturbed me that I should feel so "normal" when I was dressed and then awful feeling of hollowness that seemed to fill up with self loathing and hate when I stopped.

[Steph Eigen]

Elizabeth,

I have the same adverse reaction to it as well.  It intensifies dysphoria for me now whereas previously provided a brief respite from it.  I haven't done it since the beginning of January this year, purged all my stuff. 

I intermittently have the inkling to acquire more clothing and accessories but then recall the frustration and intensified dysphoria it eventually brings and pass on the opportunities.

Steph

[Cheaney]

My story is pretty similar to yours. Recognized it early but repressed and ignored it until a couple of months ago because of gyno and wearing bras. Can count the number of times I cross-dressed on one hand because all I saw was guy wearing girl clothes. Which of course shamed me even more. Only really cross dressed when the dysphoria was the worst and I couldn't deal with it at the time. The box got opened and I couldn't put it all back in. My life is as good as its ever been as a male. But it was on its way down if I didn't deal with this. Depression, anxiety, anger, sadness, feeling lost was all there. No peace, joy, or happiness. And it was a matter of time before my marriage was destroyed and I would start to think how I screwed my life all up AGAIN. Didn't tell anyone until a couple of weeks ago when I told my wife and then my gender therapist. I couldn't go back to repressing and hiding anymore. I've got a LONG ways to go but I'm not without hope or a solution anymore. Give your family time to process but do not give in to their thoughts. You have to live YOUR life. That should be enough for them.

[Kendra]

I cross dressed a few times as an early teenager, stopped when I was 15 and never did that again for several decades.  Didn't have the urge.

>no two trans peoples stories are ever really the same.

To a certain degree I have to agree with Kelly.  When I re-started in my mid 40s the only thing I did in this direction was switch to Secret brand antiperspirant, a brand marketed to females.  And no shame because I smelled good.    I know that sounds strange but it's all I did for a couple years - and then started exploring more, and accelerated.  I am definitely transgender, no doubt in my mind. 

The term "cross dressing" has such an unnecessary social stigma it's ridiculous.  If a vegetarian tries a hamburger that isn't called cross eating.  If you are ambidextrous and can write with both hands, society admires that. 

[Devlyn]

I thought Secret was my secret!   

[Steph Eigen]

I like the  vegetarian - hamburger analogy.

For me, it's somewhat analogous to trying to stick to a vegetarian diet, avoiding the frustration of eating a hamburger, enjoying it, and recognizing it is something I cannot do despite the desire to do so resulting in frustration.  Better to just avoid the meat and with it the frustration.

On the other hand, when the day comes that I end the vegetarian diet, I will eat meat, lots of it, daily, each meal.

Sorry, I couldn't help myself with this one.  Not a perfect analogy but makes a point.

Steph

[Steph Eigen]

A lot of frustration...

[Shellie Hart]

My direction in crossdressing is a little different, I guess. I do wear tight skinny jeans all day that give my long legs a strictly feminine shape. If I dared to wear 5"heels with these jeans I would most certainly be judged as everyday sexy female. I have the shape for it. But I never wear heels outside the house -- just flats. Along with a snug button-up pink shirt, I have a nice buxom chest because of the breasts (which I am overly conscious of sometimes). I wear lots of pink shirts now -- Solids & designs. I love my new public look and makes me feel feminine... Lots of ideas to come, I guess... 

[Kendra]

I thought Secret was my secret! 

Devlyn I thought you might notice where I said "a certain degree", although I should have capitalized Degree.