Charlene's Diary

[Charlene2017]

I had a really good weekend that just past (July 11-14, 2017...) that I just wanted to share and record.

Friday the 11th was my first month on HRT, so I was really excited about hitting that date.  It seemed to have taken for ever for 1 month to go by but it did.  Noticed some changes...not a lot though.  Some could be because of how high my E-levels have been even though I was on T-shots for a few months.  My skin has changed and is a lot smoother.  Facial hair takes longer to grow...I used to go between 5-7 days before shaving (the hairs started to make it itchy...), now I am going 7+ days before that happens.  My sense of smell is stronger now and my body odour is way less...even after playing baseball.

Sunday the wife and I had to take our youngest to camp...3 hour drive there and 3 hour drive back.  We have talked a lot about all this and she is still scared and nervous about it so was worried it could end up bad on the 3 hours back by ourselves.  It wasn't, in fact it went really well as we discussed a lot of stuff.  The main thing she is not ready to discuss is the final operation yet.  She needs time to adjust and accept that.  We talked about telling the kids and she was fine with telling the older 2 (20 & 18...), just not the 10 year old yet.

That night we had the old to come out of their caves to talk seeing the youngest was at camp, now was a good time.  I told them about me and they were really good about it, in fact the middle child said he knew because he seen a letter on my computer to my wife about it a few years back.  He just waited for me to tell him.  The oldest who is transgendered as well (talked about this in my Intro...) was fine too.  We all ended up talking for over 2 hours about lots of stuff...it was really nice.

Yesterday was an awesome day.  I had my monthly check-up with the family doctor about my weight and blood pressure.  She knows that I have started HRT and was happy when I told her a month ago.  At the scale I dropped another 7kgs (about 15-16 lbs...).  So I reached my first goal of getting under 136kgs/300lbs as I hit the scale at 297lbs.   That is down from my starting point of 380+lbs back in January 2016.  I am 6'1"-6'2" by the way.  It was so exciting to be losing so much. 

During the appointment, my wife was there too as she likes to make sure I don't lie to the doctor about my eating habits or the blood pressure stuff, referred to me as "her" once.  I surprised me and I asked her about it but she didn't remember doing that.  I told her that she was telling the doctor something and used the her pronoun.  That made me happy too.

So next goal is the 250 mark which if I calculated correctly should be the Christmas weigh-in.  I would really like to get under 200 and stop looking like a middle linebacker for one of our football teams. 

Charlene

[Laurie]

Hi again Charlene,

  I am happy to see you beginning your own thread to share your thoughts and feelings along with the issues you face and the milestones you achieve. I believe you not only help yourself in this way but all of us you share it with here on Susan's Place. Old members and new can share your journey right along with you and your family.
  Your weight loss is truly an achievement! Good job getting under 300. I'm sure with the determination you've shove you will make your next goal. And here I was happy getting under 200 for the first time in years by losing a paltry 8lbs in 3 months. pffffft that nothing compared to your drop. (Hug)
   I glad you are working with your wife in this process and also with your kids. It is important to keep the all in the loop. It sounds like things are going along well for you so keep it up and keep sharing with us here.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Charlene2017]

I was hoping to use this as a positive diary of what has been going on, but it doesn't appear to be that way.  Guess I should have known that it wasn't going to be a happy joyous ride to finally being me.

This morning on the drive to taking my wife to work, I was talking about how I was at my parents house last night.  Still working on if I should tell them or not as they are fine with my oldest coming out.  My wife then tells me it may not be a good idea to reveal everything that I am going through.  She said I should do it in stages and not mention that I am actually wanting to transition all the way to being a woman or that I have started HRT.  She thinks it would be easier to say that I am transgender but still make them assume I don't plan on going further.  Her feelings are that they will be embarrassed, think I am too old, that I have a wife and kids, a good job that I could lose, etc...

That all makes sense but what hit me was what she followed that statement with: "Like all the feelings I had.".  See I knew about the old part (she feels I am too old...), the wife part because we have discussed how she can't be physical with me as a woman (which I get as she isn't a lesbian...), the kids she worries will see me differently or have issues with their friends (and family of friends...) if they find out that dad becomes a mom.  It was the "embarrassed" part she never mentioned before.  I asked her if I embarrass her and she took a while and said no but it wasn't very reassuring no. She said our daughter is different because she is starting her life but me...well I guess I should just sit out front and wait for the grim reaper to arrive.  Okay that was a little too far...

I guess she really feels why bother after all these years.  Why change things now.  Why ruin a good marriage over something like this.

The hard part is the mixed messages, which if I really think, I have mixed emotions about all this too.  Sometimes I think I can do this...others why bother as I AM too old to be starting over.  I have a good relationship with my wife and kids and family/friends.  The other day she helped me get women's underwear for me and we bought a couple sport bras to help when I do my walks/riding. 

I know she is scared and afraid but so am I.  I really do love my wife and family and would do anything I could for them but I have tried so hard to be who they think I should be as a man/husband/father.  It is too hard to watch others living their lives the way they want/feel.  Somedays I really had this transgender stuff.

Sorry...just having a bad day.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

[Laurie]

 Hi Charlene,

((HUG)) I wish it could be a real hug as I think you could use one right now. Hey girl, I know where you are coming from and it is a hard palce you are in at the moment. Not only do you need to contend with your own feelings and desires, you have to deal with those of your wife and that is the really hard part right now. On the one hand you love her and do not want to do anything to hurt her, and on the other you fee betrayed by her for her feelings about your being transgender. She is torn also She sees you as the her man, father of her children, love of her life, and feel like you want to take that from her. Of course she's going to feel just as betrayed as you feel for her seeming support and yet reluctance of what you want to do. To her at this point it is a choice and you are choosing transition over her. I am sure she loves you and wants to help you as much as she can but she is conflicted. And I think you can understand this.
   You have read many time the advice to others to give her time because  you have had your whole life to ponder your decisions and she as had but a little time to do the same. It is affecting her just as much as it is affecting you.
   Talk to her, sit her down and really talk. Help her understand what it has been like for you all your life and how important it is for you to finally be able to become who you are. Talk to her and draw her out to get her to talk about just how she feels about you transitioning. Perhaps you can arrange for both of you to talk with your therapist to help you both understand each other in a moderated safe environment. Think about it.

  Believe me Charlene I know it is hard. I lost my wife over 20 years ago in a large part over my behaviors whic in turn were caused at least in part to my dysphoria. Transitioning wasn't even a thing in my mind at the time. I can only imagine what addition problems that would have caused for my family and I. I do not want to see what happen with me happen to you and your family.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Nora Kayte]

I am sorry you had a bad day. It can get better. I just caught this as I am falling asleep. But I can say that it's not going to be easy. But you are going to feel better. It may be super tough to go as slow as your wife will need but I personally have to go with what she can handle until she is used to each thing and try to not overwhelm her with to much at once. Honestly I can't live without her. So if I had to stop where I am now I would have to make it work. But I am probably further than I think. If that makes any sense.


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[Charlene2017]

Well tomorrow I find out how I am doing on hormones.  I have seen the results as I do get access to them online but other than showing me the male range, which sucks as I want to change all that to female as soon as possible but that is for another topic.  All my levels are outside of the male range, T is way below the male range, E and Progesterone are way above the male range.  Do these fall within female ranges...not sure.  The doctor should let me know tomorrow.

Hopefully I'll get a chance to drop by and report on it this week.  This week is going to be very busy as I have a baseball tournament all this week and weekend with the league I play in.  I love baseball and love playing the game as much as I did pre-HRT (okay it's only been just over a month but still...), but (you knew that was coming...) when I watch the guys in between games or after the games at the pub/beer tent/etc...they seem different.  I'm not sure if that makes sense as I can't find the right words to describe it.  I was telling my wife about it after one of the weekend tournaments and she told me it was because I finally see myself as a woman and not a man so you (me...) have a hard time relating to what they are talking about and doing.  Anyone else notice that? 

Well hopefully I'll have a chance to update this before or after my game tomorrow night.  I would like to at work but our IT department spies on everything we do and sites we visit.

[Laurie]

 My results online always come showing both the male and female  reference ranges. they at easy enough for me to copy.

Laurie