Fifty shade of darkness

[rose]

I'm locked in my room the only place I can feel safe in to some degree

Being trans is very dangerous in my country where LGBT are punished by sever punishment
You can simply walking in the street and police pass by then see you and aresst you or someone call the police about you and you will be gone

Or someone harass you or even worst and you cannot do anything about it

Going out the home is very dangerous and no matter how heavy and thick I dress to hide my identity as trans i been notice almost all the time

The summer here is VERY HOT imagine dressing heavy jacket and hiding my hair and body with heavy clothes trying to hide myself but still transphobic/homophobic  things happen to me

My only choice staying at my room spending my days trying to plan how to survive and run

I always hear about someone who is trans or gay is being aresst
It's like purge for LGBT and everyone seem happy when they catch someone the people here are very transphobic/homophobic my family including

In 2013 or 2014 they start to offer a prize for anyone call the police for LGBT
It's Very scary
Also the police check points have instructions to aresst anyone the suspect to be LGBT

And last year 2016 the government consider beheading any LGBT person who come out on social media and newspaper post the news

I left my social media after that fearing they will catch me and only stick to Foreigner websites

Now it's almost year since I left Facebook and other accounts of social media I still have the profiles but only because i forget my login informations


I feel surrounded by all the sides

I know my only hope is to escape to safe country

But meanwhile it's very scary and dark
I always have sleep paralyze and nightmares about being aresst or someone trying to kill me or my family killing me ( honor kill )

I woke up screaming sometimes

It's living hell

Very bad things happened to me and that scar me deeply
And I litteraly live in consist fear

I believe even when I escape I will need long Psychiatric treatments to copy with everything happened with me here

Im on anti depression but I still have my deep depression due to the situation I'm living

My only light of hope is my srs soon and my plan to escape other than that I have  nothing

Recently Some of my family agree to help me having srs and escape this hell

They still don't agree with me being trans but they are kind enough to want me to stop suffering because they know I have no place here
And also because they don't want me to dishonor the family by staying in
They basically shame of me and want merciful approach to get rid of me

I hope they stick to their promise they already paid part of my srs payment
But I'm afraid to put my hopes high

Specially known that the rest of the family will have aggressive approach if they ever know about what happens


I'm atheist I don't believe in prayers but hope everything go well

[itsApril]

It sounds very grim, rose!  I think you should concentrate your efforts on getting out.  A number of countries are open to granting asylum to trans people who face persecution at home.  In the past, the USA did this, but honestly, under this current administration, I think USA is not a good option.  The US government is turning against trans people at present, and there are attempts to restrict travel by people from Muslim countries.  You might explore seeking asylum in Canada, or Sweden, or Norway.

In some countries where Shariah law prevails, the social attitude against gay or lesbian people is intensely hostile, but transition through SRS is somewhat tolerated under the theory that a gay man, through surgery and transition, may become something like a straight woman, and therefore might conform to social and religious expectations.  It's a very cruel choice that those societies force.  Transition and SRS should be the free choice of the individual, not something forced on him or her by society under threat of persecution or even death.

You might want to put off SRS in your current country.  If you can escape to another, freer country, you will be able to make a fuller and more careful decision about whether you really want to transition or not.  At present, where you live, SRS seems like the only way forward for you.  But it might not be what's really best for you.  And once SRS is done, it's difficult to reverse if you should later change your mind.

No, I won't pray for you, because I'm an atheist like you are.  Prayer doesn't do anything to help people.  But I hear what you are saying.  I sympathize, and I understand how much pressure you are living under.  We American trans folks come to this site and talk about our problems and worries, but they are nothing compared to what you face.

[rose]

Unlike Iran Srs is not acceptable in my country in any shape or form in fact even after the sex surgery I will be still homosexual guy to them also srs is illegal the same as transition and hrt or dressing as woman all are illegal
Also They will not change my legal documents
Or consider me a female 
And when I have relationship with man or sex with him they will consider it illegal homosexual relationship even tho i have a vagina
I'm treated exactly like gay men no matter what I have down as long as I born male I will always be male to them

I don't want to have srs for them Its what I really want and for it I went to extreme measure ( I had to find doctor outside my country to help me get the srs letter )
It's what I really want for years only then I will feel comfortable in my own body

With or without srs my situation is the same

My Priority is to escape to safety even if I couldn't do srs first I will have time for it later when I'm safe

But my goal and my plan is to travel for it first then from the country I'm doing my srs in I will go to safe country without passing to my country
I cannot ask asylum in the country where I'm having srs because my country have strong relationship with it and I can be easily send back to my country and face sever persecution lawsuit for being LGBT or face honor kill

That happened to many citizens who run to countries where my country have the power to return them back


I'm keeping the countries names Anonymous for safety
And I'm keeping everything secret even from my own family ( the ones who does not know )


I'm not planning to go near USA mainly because its laws for trans people

[Kylo]

Yeah, you're going to have to work on getting out of your home country and becoming a legal citizen of another first, one that will protect your rights as a citizen of it. I think I can guess which country you're in. It might be an idea to get to another your family has no connection to, and once there maintain secrecy from the dangerous family members about where you are. I've heard of people being kidnapped by family members and sent back to the country of origin (happened to my best friend's brother because he was seeing a white girl without parents' permission) you're going to have to play things very careful and close to the chest, and possibly break off contact with your past and family for safety.

[itsApril]

I'm keeping the countries names Anonymous for safety
And I'm keeping everything secret even from my own family ( the ones who does not know )

Good thinking!  Above all else, your safety is the most important thing.