I'm a 21 y.o person who was assigned male at birth.
Does my experience sound recogniseable for someone who is trans or totally not?
I feel very feminine. I am drawn to physical femininity too. If I see the face of a normal guy, I would never want to look like that, even if he is handsome. When I see very feminine looking cis men who could pass as girls I feel envious of their physical femininity. Same with certain girls. I feel envious of their face and posture.
I have always had a strange feeling towards my penis. In my imagination it is never there. I just don't like it. I don't terribly hate it. I even masturbate. I just don't want it to be touched and I would want to cover it up in a relationship. I intensely hate facial and body hair, dislike my rather manly shoulders and my large masc feet. I wish I would have girly little feet and narrow fem shoulders. I love having a feminine voice and feel very pleased when I'm gendered female on the phone. I would rather want soft facial features than sharp facial features.
I recognise everything trans people experience. It all clicks when I read what other trans people mentally went through.
I feel a strong urge to feminize my body and face.
On days that I feel masculine I want to puke. I hate feeling like a man. On days that I feel girly I'm relaxed and comfortable.
I have no desire to be with a man as a man. Not out of disguest or something like that, it just doesn't feel like me when I imagine my male face and body having sex with a man's body. In my sexual imagination I always imagine myself as a woman with a man.
I feel a strong envy towards trans women, not towards trans men. I feel envious that she gets to look like she looks.
I hate everything masculine because it doesn't feel like me. I love feminine things. Everything feminine.
There is a voice in my head that tells me that maybe I should just live as a feminine gay cis man. When I try to think about that it doesn't feel right because I would be with a partner who expects me to be a man and who would treat me like a man. A gay relationship doesn't appeal to me because that would mean that I still have to be a man in the relationship. There is a very girly gay guy who looks so feminine that I envy his appearence. There is one thing that I don't envy and that is his facial hair. Facial hair makes me depressed and grosses me out. He looks like a girl with short hair and I want his soft features and his tiny feminine body.
I want to be with a partner who treats me like a girl. When I think about pushing a button and being reborn as a woman I don't think I would push that button. I would want the body of that woman but not be viewed by society as a woman. I wish I could have a female body and enjoy male privilege. My desire to have the body of a female is not driven by a sexual force. I'm not aroused by being a woman and I am not focussed on women clothes. It's more a feeling of a woman's body matching with how I feel inside.
When I think about being a woman in society I hate being treated by men as weaker, I would hate not having a big career and I hate never being able to have the status men have. In a perfectly equal world I would push the button to become a woman in every aspect but not in this world.
I had counseling for more than a year and didn't come home any wiser.
From doing my own research I feel a strong connection to trans women living non-op and to very feminine gender non-conforming men with a feminine body, face and mind with almost no male characteristics in their appearence. The desire to have a feminine body and face is very strong and unexplainable. Picturing myself with a very male body makes me extremely depressed and angsty.
Picturing a situation where society sees me as a cis woman feels wrong. Picturing a situation where I can live as a woman while being seen by society as a transitioning individual that is not strictly male or strictly female but more in the middle feels exactly right.
I have this voice in my head telling me that I'm just an effeminate gay men with internalized homophobia. It doesn't ring true though. I experience intense gender dysphoria, hate being seen as male and hate looking male. It also wouldn't feel right if a man saw me as a man. I just don't want to be seen as a man by my partner.
I wish that it was possible to find a balance between male and female. Female body, gender neutral presentation and social status.
I don't know what my future will look like or if I will ever have a partner. I have thought about living as a gender non conforming man and while that could work on the short term it would give me more dysphoria once I will start becoming more manly and age like a man. The route of a fully transitioned post-op trans woman doesn't appeal either. I want to be a person with a feminine body who is not strictly male or female. I just don't know how I can accomplish that.
The route of a non-op trans woman minus her binary gender expression sounds more or less right.
Sometimes I wonder if there are other people like me on the trans spectrum. Who deal with transgender feelings, sometimes think that they are just really gay despite knowing that a complete life in their birth gender doesn't feel right either and who don't want to restrict themselves to just male or female but want to live in the middle and have a body with equal amounts of sex characteristics of both male and female.
Am I really the only one?
Kind regards,
genderfused