I'm not sure if I'm putting this in the right category - if not, I apologize, this is my first time posting.
I recently turned twenty, and have lived all my life as a female. I played with "girl toys" (Barbies, plastic ponies, dolls etc.) during childhood, had my room painted pink because that was what I wanted at the time, wanted to be a princess and so on. I've always hated wearing dresses, but I've never put much meaning to it.
I have only rarely gotten along with other girls, but have several strong friendships with guys (past and present), which I haven't thought that much about either. Maybe I'm just weird?
Anyway. Since I was about 13-15 I've had bouts of wanting to dress like a guy. I don't feel directly uncomfortable in my female body, it's just a sort of "eh, whatever, not impressed" kind of feeling. In the past couple of months or so I've started to really question my identity though. I imagine what it would be like to be a guy in all kinds of situations, not just sexual, but everyday stuff.
I dressed like a guy for the first time a couple of days ago, and I got this really weird feeling inside. It wasn't overpowering or anything, it was just a very subtle sense of warmth. Like when you've taken a good, deep breath.
I don't know if there's anything to it. I'll have to be honest and say that a part of me hopes that it's just a phase and that it'll go away in time, because it scares me. Another part of me wants nothing more than to pursue whatever this is and just give it a go.
I opened up to my dad about my confusion (we're really close), but didn't directly say the word "trans". It's never been a problem for me before, but suddenly that one word just gets stuck in my throat. It seems to have become a dirty word (when applied to myself, that is) over night. He came straight at me and said: "Do you think it might be some transgender stuff?" and I sort of panicked, going "no, no, no, it's just some dressing up". He knows me very well though, and told me that there's not a thing in this world I could do to make him stop loving me, and that he'll back me up no matter what I end up doing (I am so lucky to have him). We sort of agreed to keep things on the down-low until I'm sure about what's going on.
In my confusion I opened up to another friend of mine, who's gone through the process herself. She let me ask absolutely anything I wanted. I focus a lot on how much it scares me. I'm by nature a skittish person, and this is really bringing out a lot of very raw emotions. I felt a bit better when she told me that she was also scared when she first started questioning things.
Now, my question to you in all of this is if there's really something to it? Could it just be a phase that I'm making a big scene out of, or am I maybe on to something?
I'm really terrified of the whole "If I do something and I'm not/ If I do nothing and I am". I really hope that someone can shed some light on it.
