TRANSITION A RACE TO THE FINISH?

[Vanny]

I HOPE THIS IS THE RIGHT SPOT FOR THIS QUESTION!
I have begun gender counseling!  I have also gone to orientation, three sessions in all! My plan is Kaiser!

All the discussion thus far is transitioning with the end goal to become the other sex.

I DON'T WANT THAT!   I want boobs and my penis to stay, and be functional. 

Not one ounce of discussion about incomplete transition.  Troubling but it may be that is what will be discussed more in counseling.  I have said this repeatedly to my counselor. 

Am I the only one with this desire?
Will they limit me and stop me from hormone treatment because I don't fit a formula or an agenda goal they have? 

What are the best hormones to take (I know you are not doctors) for me to research that allow breast growth with the least impact on my erections etc. 

Importantly I am married and wife supports this but as I am she is worried about erections.   

THOUGHTS ANYONE?  Thanks, Vanny


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[kelly_aus]

There is an assumption that we will all want it all.. The truth is, we all want and need different things. Not wanting SRS was never in issue for me. It's also not impossible that your goals will change with transition.

I only ever wanted HRT and to transition socially. I've done that and been pretty successful at it.

Now, maintaining sexual function seems to be hit and miss. Some report they have issues, some report no issues. It really depends on your individual reaction to hormones. I know that drugs like Cialis and Viagra work for some.

[Vanny]

Thanks Kelly!  I have more to consider now for my next therapy session.  I just can't find literature or postings on this topic. 

Glad to hear you have managed ok with your HRT decision! 

Vanny


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[rmaddy]

Medical transition inevitably involves a series of interventions.  Yes, there may be an expectation that you go all the way through, but what's to keep you from going to a place where you feel comfortable then stopping?  What would that place look like for you?

[Vanny]

Thanks for your thoughts rmaddy.   

I have never felt more confident in what I want, who I am, what I want to be in the end. 

My concerns are;
1) a huge disconnect between my identity and body
2) I feel the therapy/therapists may judge me based on the goals they have in their mind. 

THANKS SO MUCH for sharing your thoughts!


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[JulieOnHerWay]

Vanny.  That is a cute name by the way. 
I do understand where you are coming from.  While i have my moments of just wanting to get this dysphoria under control and then go on with my life as my assigned gender, there are other times of wanting a full transition including GCS.  The one thing that I have discovered that 1) gender is a spectrum and Tran-ness has it own spectrum.  I was initially under the perception of being either gilry-girl or manly-man with that being the gender dynamic.  I have been disabused of that black-white line.  You and I can define what we want to be.  So being a guy in a skirt can happen or a girl(?) in a work shirt is OK too.  Neither is better or worse.  It's only how we like to present to the world and are comfortably ourselves.
So my future vision is you and I can go about our daily lives presenting as we are and those we encounter are ok with it and friends are accepting and seen more than some cloth etc to cover your nakedness.
Secondly, if you think your therapist has an agenda then for your sake you need to bring it up.  Most therapist will readily engage the topic and dispel or adjust accordingly.  If after the chat  you are still not comfortable with their understanding of your desire to not fully transition then it would be time to change therapists.  I would be a bit careful though, in that sometimes we read too much into our misconceptions of them.  Most TG want to fully transition and is an easy path for anyone to assume that full is the way to go.  On the other hand, they may, due to years of experience, know where you are going even before you know. We are are on such a slippery slope with many paths to the bottom.

[Roll]

You are definitely not alone in that desire. For my part, I want HRT and hair removal above all else, breast augmentation if necessary, even FFS as necessary(nose yes, shaving bone maybe not), but then leave genitals intact. Essentially, the full package minus the bottom surgery, at least at first. I will probably take a breather every step along the way and see how I feel about continuing given the extreme nature of the surgeries, but even with it not remotely on the horizon GCS freaks me out a lot. If I feel the need to go all out, I will cross that bridge when I come to it, but for now my plan is the same as yours.

I should add, I do wish I was born with a vagina, I'm just not keen on the surgery required to get one.

[Vanny]

Vanny.  That is a cute name by the way. 
I do understand where you are coming from.  While i have my moments of just wanting to get this dysphoria under control and then go on with my life as my assigned gender, there are other times of wanting a full transition including GCS.  The one thing that I have discovered that 1) gender is a spectrum and Tran-ness has it own spectrum.  I was initially under the perception of being either gilry-girl or manly-man with that being the gender dynamic.  I have been disabused of that black-white line.  You and I can define what we want to be.  So being a guy in a skirt can happen or a girl(?) in a work shirt is OK too.  Neither is better or worse.  It's only how we like to present to the world and are comfortably ourselves.
So my future vision is you and I can go about our daily lives presenting as we are and those we encounter are ok with it and friends are accepting and seen more than some cloth etc to cover your nakedness.
Secondly, if you think your therapist has an agenda then for your sake you need to bring it up.  Most therapist will readily engage the topic and dispel or adjust accordingly.  If after the chat  you are still not comfortable with their understanding of your desire to not fully transition then it would be time to change therapists.  I would be a bit careful though, in that sometimes we read too much into our misconceptions of them.  Most TG want to fully transition and is an easy path for anyone to assume that full is the way to go.  On the other hand, they may, due to years of experience, know where you are going even before you know. We are are on such a slippery slope with many paths to the bottom.

THANK YOU so much for that reply.  I feel not alone!   I have more thoughts to consider and for that i am grateful. 

ON A SIDE NOTE, I was just noting, as I did to my wife, that I have heard nothing about comments any here have discussed in this thread.  But that may be due to time, and beginning the process i.e... have not gotten there yet. 

GREATFULLY,

Vanny


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[Vanny]

You are definitely not alone in that desire. For my part, I want HRT and hair removal above all else, breast augmentation if necessary, even FFS as necessary(nose yes, shaving bone maybe not), but then leave genitals intact. Essentially, the full package minus the bottom surgery, at least at first. I will probably take a breather every step along the way and see how I feel about continuing given the extreme nature of the surgeries, but even with it not remotely on the horizon GCS freaks me out a lot. If I feel the need to go all out, I will cross that bridge when I come to it, but for now my plan is the same as yours.

I should add, I do wish I was born with a vagina, I'm just not keen on the surgery required to get one.

MY wife and I discussed this tonight.  I said if I was born with one I would appreciate it more, but I love my junk !   IT IS WHAT I KNOW and it does not bother me. 

Not having breasts bothers me  maybe a nip and tuck would be good.  But I am with you,

I will cross each bridge as I get there.  Again, not being alone gives me comfort.  A lot

Do you consider yourself a woman, man, both?  My wife asked me and I said woman 80-90%.  She said not the way you build stuff it is not.  I laughed and said if you stopped telling me to remodel a 4000 sq ft dilapidated house, maybe I could be a woman!  She didn't think that was as funny as I did.  Could have been the champagne

Vanny


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[rmaddy]

Thanks for your thoughts rmaddy.   

I have never felt more confident in what I want, who I am, what I want to be in the end. 

My concerns are;
1) a huge disconnect between my identity and body
2) I feel the therapy/therapists may judge me based on the goals they have in their mind. 

THANKS SO MUCH for sharing your thoughts!

You're welcome.

Since we tend to judge ourselves, sometimes we feel like others are judging us too.  It's not always the case.  Still, if you really are being treated judgmentally by your therapist, you need to get another therapist.

Best of success as you find your path.

[Roll]

Do you consider yourself a woman, man, both? 

Right now I have a hard time putting a label on it. I know I want to be a woman and I know I feel supremely dissatisfied being a man. But I've always known that and still would call myself a man for years. Now... I don't know. I don't yet feel that I have the right to proclaim "I'm a woman", and so I don't. But at the same I'm no longer thinking of myself as simply a man who wants to be a woman. Not both exactly (I don't want to feel like I'm switching back and forth), but somewhere in between and hopefully moving to one from the other. Which might actually be the dictionary definition of transitioning.

This might sound dumb, but mostly I'm finding myself defining who I am by that no matter whether I am male or female, I'll always be a complete nerd (it's the one thing I can state unambiguously ). Though nerd girl is the long term goal/hope.

[Vanny]

Right now I have a hard time putting a label on it. I know I want to be a woman and I know I feel supremely dissatisfied being a man. But I've always known that and still would call myself a man for years. Now... I don't know. I don't yet feel that I have the right to proclaim "I'm a woman", and so I don't. But at the same I'm no longer thinking of myself as simply a man who wants to be a woman. Not both exactly (I don't want to feel like I'm switching back and forth), but somewhere in between and hopefully moving to one from the other. Which might actually be the dictionary definition of transitioning.

This might sound dumb, but mostly I'm finding myself defining who I am by that no matter whether I am male or female, I'll always be a complete nerd (it's the one thing I can state unambiguously ). Though nerd girl is the long term goal/hope.

I FEEL the exact same.  My wife says I am both, I FEEL both, but not one or the other.

I AM OK with my maleness as long as my femaleness is expressed as I see fit.  It is not.   

MY INSIDES ARE RIOTING against my maleness with increasing intensity so that should be a clue.   

I am a loner, nerd, doer & goal oriented.  Whatever direction I am going, I will not be a fan but a willing participant in this competition for me(wherever it ends up)!


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[Vanny]

You're welcome.

Since we tend to judge ourselves, sometimes we feel like others are judging us too.  It's not always the case.  Still, if you really are being treated judgmentally by your therapist, you need to get another therapist.

Best of success as you find your path.

Same to you and your destiny.    I appreciate you taking time to respond.... I feel not so isolated.  Cheers,  Vanny


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[KathyLauren]

To grow breasts, you need estrogen.  One side-effect of estrogen is full or partial loss of function of the penis.  So it may not be possible to get what you want with HRT.  There is no magic drug that will give you a designeer body.  To get a designer body, you would likely have to resort to surgery.

[Vanny]

To grow breasts, you need estrogen.  One side-effect of estrogen is full or partial loss of function of the penis.  So it may not be possible to get what you want with HRT.  There is no magic drug that will give you a designeer body.  To get a designer body, you would likely have to resort to surgery.

THANKS for taking time to reply.   Actually, I do have breasts after 4 years of vacuum pumping.    I am a "C" cup going on "D" after pumping.

That said, MY INSIDES are in need of hormones IMHO more than outside, so they match.  The caveat here is I hate pumping and after going from no chest to C/D,  I would like to stop that procedure.   MY WIFE SAYS MY BREASTS ARE natural looking.  I don't   But they are nice.  Not a hormone taken. And my diet is excellent bordering on health freak(Due to wife)!

SO I KINDA am what I want to be, before therapy but the inside does not match where I want to be! 

I WILL go out dressed for the first time in 8 years, this next week.  I am excited and at peace.  I am moving forward.  The answers will come.

THANKS AGAIN,

Vanny


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[Shellie Hart]

Estrogen regimen is so different for everyone. After nearly a year of HRT I just assumed my function would soon disappear as it had been going down for some time. But it seemed about 3 months ago my function returned with a vengeance. My sex drive is now back to "normal" as it was when I started HRT 17 months ago. Morning erections are every day now. Go figure. I have not changed my HRT routine whatsoever. So I don't know what is going on. As I have read for months on various forums, HRT is completely unpredictable and definitely YMMV...

[Vanny]

Estrogen regimen is so different for everyone. After nearly a year of HRT I just assumed my function would soon disappear as it had been going down for some time. But it seemed about 3 months ago my function returned with a vengeance. My sex drive is now back to "normal" as it was when I started HRT 17 months ago. Morning erections are every day now. Go figure. I have not changed my HRT routine whatsoever. So I don't know what is going on. As I have read for months on various forums, HRT is completely unpredictable and definitely YMMV...

GREAT for you and possibly me! I HAVE HOPE. 

MY SEX DRIVE IS THROUGH THE ROOF ALWAYS SO I AM HOPEFUL but as you stated, it is unpredictable.   

Thank you so much for this.  I needed it. 

Cheers,

Vanny


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[JulieOnHerWay]

80 - 90%!!  If I was willing to admit that, I would be all over full transition.  I define myself at 60 -74.9999%  And moments of dysphoria somewhat higher.  Maybe 85 -90%.  Your therapist will find that intensity interesting.
I think I need a vacuum pump.

[JoanneB]

As Kelly said, they are just operating on auto-pilot since a full medical and social transition is the typical outcome of starting any gender therapy.

However, transitioning is in the mind of the beholder. For me, GCS was never on a wish list. Breast for sure would and has been enough for me to be mostly happy living in my own skin. Living mostly as male and just barely part-time female, the dangly bits have never been a problem.

But, if you are just starting out, you never know where you may end up.  I'm learning that lesson every day

[Vanny]

LOL THANKS.  WHAT A BEAUTIFUL RESPONSE.  I AM COMFORTABLE I GUESS I NEED VALIDATION OR something. (Sorry caps).  Who knows.  I want to interact now so, I have the drive and motivation. 

FUNNY: (at least for me). I was speaking with a counselor. She said it is a long process for HRT WE DON'T GIVE IT TO YOU BECAUSE YOU ASK or right away.

I said I am not here for hormones for breasts.  I have breasts.  I am fine with who I am,  my breasts are bigger than many women, thus the vest!  So what are you here for...  so my insides and outsides match. 

I said do you want me to be honest with you?  She said yes.  I said I am going where I am going with or without you. I have waited 25 years to get to this day.  (All kids out of the house).  I AM THE BODY FORM I WANT AND I ave taken zero hormones and my diet is amazing(thanks only to my wife).  I WANT INSIDES TO MATCH OUTSIDES.  that requires hormones yes? Dead silence.   
WELL YES!  And my talkywacker must stay functional.  She laughed. We talked a bit and she asked me why I wasn't wearing female clothes.  I said I am every single piece on my body.  Lol. . Then she got serious.


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