Trying to figure this out.....

[ConfusedSarah]

Hello Everyone,

I would have once identified as a heterosexual crossdresser with strong sexual influence with my dressing. I am married with a support wife and have 2 children. Like most crossdresser's I could never really say I was happy in life, but I got along with things in any case. I'm now in 40's and have been therapy for 18 months and trialled anti-androgens for about 6 months and estrogen for 3. I got good results better than most I have read. I have come off hormones for work purposes and I don't think everyone is ready for a full transition. The other factor was the urge to dress vanished. Work was and is very busy but the finding the energy to dress was difficult and I'm not sure it the right place to transition and I have been looking for other work. I can't dress at home at this stage and go friends place to dress. Previously, it would have been hotels prior to coming out. I have been off all drugs and estrogen for month now and dressing urge is back as my testosterone is restoring itself. Depression has been and remains a constant.

I have read plenty posts about dysphoria dissipating once HRT gets underway and gradually returning unless HRT is escalated to full transition doses.

Can anyone share their experience with this, what they did, did they recommence, or go back periodic dressing and continue living their life in a male role and what factors influence their decision?

Cheers,
Sarah.

[Deborah]

The same happened to me except that I'm a slow learner and stopped HRT twice.  Each time the dysphoria came back stronger until I only really wanted to die.

Now I'm happy to be on it for life (unless something changes) and I grew my hair long.  I rarely really dress though.  However, even without dressing I get gendered female more often than not.  This is not causing me any problems at all so I'm satisfied with where I'm at right now.  Actually, in my somewhat unusual state everyone is extremely friendly.

My path is unusual by the standards here but it keeps the dysphoria away completely and makes life worth living again.


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[Nora Kayte]

Yes, totally. I cross dressed since I can remember. 4 years old. I must have been living under a rock because I did not know anything about trans, LGBT or anything until about 8 years ago. The cross dressing was sexual in nature so even when I figured everything out, I was not sure I was trans. I started to seek out therapy and found a good, I mean really good therapist. So move into where I know I am trans and I want to start HRT and etc..... It still took me a couple years before I started HRT. Then i quickly quit, waited 2 more years. The dysphoria was insane. I never thought it would get to suicide it transition. But it did. I then restarted HRT and now I am 50 on HRT for a year. Dressing is not the same. Before I wanted the sluttiest clothes and the highest heals. I know you understand. Now every once and a while. I have a slight feeling like that. But even then it is not sexual in nature. I know if I stopped I would be back as I was. I am probably not giving you anything you don't know. But that you are not alone. My head feels great now. Still not 100% sure what or where I am going. But I am happy doing it. Now if I get an itch I scratch it. Electrolosis is the next itch.


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[Dena]

We have members on the site who continue to live as male but are not transitioning. The trick is the right HRT and a bit of luck in the development department. People will see what they want to see and while several of them have gained feminine attributes, the people around them still accept them as male. You might want to review the following thread and see if this approach would be useful to you.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,130268.0.html
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,218060.0.html
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,209589.0.html

[ConfusedSarah]

I have scratched a number itches in this process, I 'm a pretty hairless everywhere now except for my arms to keep some illusion of maleness and my private parts. My beard has nearly been lasered away except for some stubborn patches no beard cover required anymore tjough. I have no regrets about these changes and should have done them some time ago. I was heavily closeted and totally paranoid about being outed. My hair is about 1 inch from a good short femmine hair style.

When I got to Uni and read what literature there was on this topic, it was early ninties it was limited and it was the old the view was unless you were screaming cut my penis of now you were a ->-bleeped-<- and you had live with it. I struggle with a concept of feeling like girl as a 5 year old I don'tahve  strong memories. My only real memory was being memorised by white knee boots that have left in my bedroom and trying them on. This though has troubled me many profess to have felt I girl early childhood. It was only from 12 onwards that things started to appear and pretty much manifested itself by 14 years old (puberty and girlfriends). By 17 I knew I was clearly different to my peer group. I was at an all boys high school. After 25 years plus years of hiding (except for my wife) and then about 5 years involved in community, I realised that I had missed something.

I knew HRT could have this affect, I just didn't think it would have me second guessing myself. My testosterone is coming back day by day and urge to dress or do something is constant. It is such a mental tax.

Thank you Dena, I thought a low dose strategy would be a good way to deal with it and I have read that thread before with great interest. The other 2 are new to me, but of interest nonetheless. However, as many may attest on here you don't know what you are going to get when you start HRT and mine was low dose and took off. 

[JoanneB]

Hello Everyone,

I would have once identified as a heterosexual crossdresser with strong sexual influence with my dressing. I am married with a support wife and have 2 children. Like most crossdresser's I could never really say I was happy in life, but I got along with things in any case. I'm now in 40's and have been therapy for 18 months and trialled anti-androgens for about 6 months and estrogen for 3. I got good results better than most I have read. I have come off hormones for work purposes and I don't think everyone is ready for a full transition. The other factor was the urge to dress vanished. Work was and is very busy but the finding the energy to dress was difficult and I'm not sure it the right place to transition and I have been looking for other work. I can't dress at home at this stage and go friends place to dress. Previously, it would have been hotels prior to coming out. I have been off all drugs and estrogen for month now and dressing urge is back as my testosterone is restoring itself. Depression has been and remains a constant.

I have read plenty posts about dysphoria dissipating once HRT gets underway and gradually returning unless HRT is escalated to full transition doses.

Can anyone share their experience with this, what they did, did they recommence, or go back periodic dressing and continue living their life in a male role and what factors influence their decision?

Cheers,
Sarah.

I knew I always wanted to be a girl since I was like 4. I spent the next 50 years fighting it one way or another various degrees of success. Just settling in on being a CD with monthly of so escapes from maleness with limited support from my wife. Eight years ago the time came for me to take on the Trans-Beast for real.

I started out with my Go-To fix of low dose E and an AA. Life got better as expected as it always did in the past. The For-Real part meant also fixing myself from the inside. Dealing with the lifetime of accumulated emotional baggage, the Shame and Guilt of being "one of those". I put in the hard work which reulted in me also putting in a lot more E and AA, full feminizing doses. Life got even betterer

And then.... the first of many "WTF Am I Doing " meltdowns. This is insane. I had 2 utter failed transition experiments back in my early 20's when nit made sense to do something like that. I have a wife I adore, a career I can't believe I get paid to have fun, and plenty of assorted obligations to live up to.  I stopped the HRT and in a few days to weeks.... I saw the sad old man in the mirror, felt horrible, started drinking too much.

OK OK, Like I spent all my life learning what does not work, found something that did, and went back to what does not work. So I restarted. This story repeated a few times the first few years. All that time still living and presenting primarily as male.

"Transition" is to change. I changed a lot as a person these past 8 years. Some physical, mostly emotionally and grew as a person. With HRT, with the support of my wife. Without my TG support group and a couple of angels there to catch me when I fell I would never have been able to start healing myself.

Today I still live and present primarily as male. Most of the growth I obtained my wife is thrilled aout. THe physical changes, not so much so. But my happiness is important. The girls are not a problem at work to hide under my usual baggy dress shirts. Sometimes my wife may comment when I have a tee shirt on about my tits showing.

I may Want to transition fully, socially as well as more medically. Most days I do not feel that I Need to. As long as the bad days are few and the good days are many I can deal with my life. I can balance the often many conflicting needs and wants of my own, my wife's and "The Us". We both know where my true joy lies. One day at a time

[BlueJaye]

Can anybody comment on why the urge to cross dress goes away when T is absent, but returns with T? I guess I find it confusing. I would think a transgender person would feel more comfortable cross dressing without T. Seems counterintuitive.

[Charlie Nicki]

Can anybody comment on why the urge to cross dress goes away when T is absent, but returns with T? I guess I find it confusing. I would think a transgender person would feel more comfortable cross dressing without T. Seems counterintuitive.

I never feel the need to crossdress with or without T but from what I've read, seems like HRT makes your body be more in sync with your mind and therefore the need to have an external outlet for your femininity disappears.


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[Dena]

Can anybody comment on why the urge to cross dress goes away when T is absent, but returns with T? I guess I find it confusing. I would think a transgender person would feel more comfortable cross dressing without T. Seems counterintuitive.

There is no real research on this but I suspect it's because our sex drive, and transgender feelings are both enhanced by Testosterone. It seems to be due the fact that our brains are different than that of somebody born CIS so we just don't respond properly to the hormones of our birth gender. We seem to instinctively know this and one of the reasons many of us want to be free of our evil twins. It also appears the FTMs have somewhat the same feeling about estrogen and I can see differences in the posts when a FTM starts testosterone. People may think that logic overrides our natural instinct but sex hormones make a lie out of that statement. We seem to be somewhat a slave to our body chemistry.

[JoanneB]

...People may think that logic overrides our natural instinct but sex hormones make a lie out of that statement. We seem to be somewhat a slave to our body chemistry.

Or, as my says, "Hormones WILL mess with your head". No argument here (today) about that

[ConfusedSarah]

Thanks everyone!

This conundrum will probably send me back to HRT hopefully at less stressful time at work and when I am in better health. I did dress once or twice over the period but the drive, the nag, the urge was much less. Now it is back and it is annoying if not distressing. The other issue was I had no energy with no testosterone. I didn't have enough estrogen either, which made for a low energy feeling. We are planning tell to kids in December and that should give me the ability to dress at home and really figure this out.

Has anyone decided to stay off hormones, but continue to dress and decide this is a better outcome?

Cheers,
Sarah

[JoanneB]

Thanks everyone!

This conundrum will probably send me back to HRT hopefully at less stressful time at work and when I am in better health. I did dress once or twice over the period but the drive, the nag, the urge was much less. Now it is back and it is annoying if not distressing. The other issue was I had no energy with no testosterone. I didn't have enough estrogen either, which made for a low energy feeling. We are planning tell to kids in December and that should give me the ability to dress at home and really figure this out.

Has anyone decided to stay off hormones, but continue to dress and decide this is a better outcome?

Cheers,
Sarah

For decades after my two utter-fail transition "Experiments" I learned the magic of HRT. After what was then and still is the need to present as female, I also very much needed my "Escapes from Maleness". Unlike many, I have never "purged". No matter how much guilt, the shame and fall-out of being found out, No-Way No-How could I ever stop that. Besides, I had some really nice stuff

So yes, CD'ing is a viable option. Most times for me once a month or so. In times of high stress.... a lot more. At times of even low stress but very high GD, play the low-dose HRT card for a few weeks or so for the "Brain-Reset". The "Prime Directive" of being a Normal(ish) male will shame and guilt you into stopping when you begin to notice the ever so subtle physical affects.