Hi

[seraph]

Hi,

My name is Seraph. I'm intersex. I currently 5 months on HRT itf. I first started w T for brief 3 mo. before the dysphoria was so great, I knew I needed to let go of my muscle tough guy dreams and embrace who myself which was first time in my life I felt like I was honest. It was difficult to swallow. I got physically sick because 15 years early I was staring in a mirror wearing makeup. I had smoked a joint and I was just really looking at myself and I knew I was a girl and it made me cry. I had been argue with my dad and he had pretty much let me know he wasn't going be putting up with it.

So I rememer letting go of that intense realization to embrace this illusory self i had to work hard to maintain. My voice was high so I constant had to train myself to push my voice low. Trying to be a male had always been the lie. It brought me immense suffering until I could finally let go of that mentality which didn't come to me until I was prescribed T, 15 years later. So I stopped and went to counseling. When i start E, I knew it was right path 100%. I think probably doing the counseling was the best because it has give me time for looking at my life and make inform decisions.

I have kept my private life secret the best I can, tho sometime my ex have used it for ammunition to hurt me. In the past I would lie a lot to cover up being intersexed. I never felt good about it, So over 15 years I suffer in silence and allowed people to manipulate and control me using my secret against me. when i started to transition, i feel release from this devastation and misery that has kept me in the dark. This was the strongest spiritual experience I've had because it brought light, peace, truth, understanding, and wisdom. I knew I didn't want to wait another 15 years. I knew it was time.

[Megan.]

Hi and welcome [emoji5]. It sounds like you've found a path that fits your needs,  and that's great. Best wishes for a smooth journey wherever it takes you to. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

[V M]

Hi Seraph 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

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Hugs

V M

[Kendra]

Hello Seraph!  Thank you for joining Susan's and for posting.

I am MtF, you are three months ahead of me with HRT.  I also had issues around puberty which led to many bad decisions when I attempted to compensate for things I didn't understand.  The stress was so bad, one time my nose burst out bleeding and nobody had touched it - I was 16 and I now think that spontaneous nose bleed was caused by a spike in blood pressure during an emotional argument with my father.  (Alcohol and some drugs are blood thinners and I was abusing both at the time).  Teenagers tend to battle their parents but I went overboard on that - and now my parents are also two of my best friends. What I found most surprising is it's mutual - they are very conservative but completely support and understood my transition when I told them in July.

Sounds like you have done great with counseling.  Wish I had done that a few decades ago but I am thankful for what I have now.  And I have gained so much from knowing people here - posts from other members that cause me to think, and replies I write that cause me think more and learn about myself. 

My own life has gone from something I was pretty clueless and careless about to the most precious thing I have.  I wish the same positive benefit to anyone who knows things are not quite right and can understand the most important solutions originate from within.  Discover who you are and then do whatever it takes to make the best long term decisions and experience the best life possible.  If an ex is causing problems, move on and ignore anyone they improperly influence.  There are billions of other people out there and many are good.  If someone tries to manipulate you think five moves ahead and step around them like a game of chess.  I have literally responded to people I need to ignore with "We never met, you are confusing me with someone else."  Life can be incredible and I think you have great things within your reach.

Kendra

[seraph]

Hi Kendra,

The more i look back, the more I see all the signs I ignore. And that because I wanted to be a man. The T didnt make that happen for me, only the opposite occured in why i couldnt be. It is like this with conditioning and hypnosis. You start to believe it and it feel real, but the core never change. So to listen to what my body was telling me and how it was thinking was defining moment when thing change for me. Alway I identify w male, but my intersex characteristic noticeable. People alway would mistake me for a girl, but this slow when trangenderism went move to more public visibile. I could have be content to live in the shadows. I start to have people trying to ask me about it and people say I did this to myself.

It have been difficult to make new friends because I do not see myself as much value currently. In some way I have moved on, but I still struggle to live the life I want. I feel much of my energy is spent trying sorting out this condition Im dealing with that has controlled me for long time. Thank for your kind words. It mean something because I have 0 support.

seraph

[Kendra]

Seraph you have support here, and I'm confident you will make friends here and in other places.  I think you're a great and ambitious person and I say that because you are discovering yourself - and you're determined to make changes so you can experience more.  Not everyone gets to do that.

We are unique.  Some people find my uniqueness difficult to accept but that's ok if I can step around that individual.  It's like stepping around a mess someone's pet left on the sidewalk, I am too busy to stand there and smell it.  When people don't accept me I think of that as a test I've conveniently applied to the other person without their knowing it.  If they fail, it's their failure and I move on.  If they can completely accept me, that's really cool.

[seraph]

I try to be optimist for my future but alway i read about people getting killed for being trangender. Some of my own experience have not been friendly so that is what i remember. at the start of this transition i take time to reflect on if i would transition to girl or continue to exist i had before. at that time, i was worse off, paranoia eat me alive and my depression wouldnt stop. i question a lot. what does this mean for me? what does this mean for my perception. so it take a week before i could see what needed to be done. not many does get to do what im doing. im grateful the universe have give me this chance. my own lieutenant dan moment that lead great change. i think to continue as i had i would be dead. for most i chose to avoid problem individuals. i do try to accept people as they are sometime that difficult. I work most for self acceptance right now, it all i have control over.

[Kendra]

Live life to the fullest, but be safe.