I think I'm done fighting

[Claire Elizabeth]

Hello, as the subject suggests I think I'm ready to step out and move forward and start find me. I've been struggling with this for a few decades now. It's been a manageable part of me until the past few months. The thinking is that I am married, to the woman I love, we've created an incredible life together. I don't ever want to be without her. It's worked up to a point... The past few months!

I reckon I've always known that I shouldn't be male at least from around 10 on. It was tough proposition being different in my family so I just learned to put the feelings away. Back to the topic though. Something changed over the past few months. ALL I can think about is how wrong I feel. I skulk around knowing what the problem is. I've never told a soul how I feel until this past Monday, I we were both apologizing to each other for a slight argument we were having the previous Friday and I think I was on the verge of just getting up and running, then it happened. I told her that I no longer could take being male. She was awesome, she just listened and gave me this hug of all hugs, I needed it and she cried a bit with me. Since then and until now I think I've only slept about 8-9 hours. That Monday I woke from a dream and it was ever fiber of my being not to wake my wife and tell her. Tell her how I feel, it's been eating me up so I've been working up the strength to try and tell her this weekend. We'll see what happens. I love my wife, I'm in love with her and don't ever want to be with out her. Here's hoping to her not being 'hopelessly hetero'! I know it's got to be the biggest ask and it feels selfish on my part as well but I've got to give it a shot!

Anyway, I really just wanted to say hello and I f eel like I am ready to actually start my life and stop trying to fight myself. :-)
Claire

[Megan.]

Hi Claire, welcome!
Self acceptance is often one the biggest hurdles for us,  and it sounds like you're ready to face it. By my late 30's I had alot of emotional baggage and repression to shed,  and that takes time.
My marriage sadly didn't survive my transition,  but many do,  just realise it's a journey for them as much as you.
Best of luck in your explorations and for your relationship. We're here for you,  and also your partner if and when you need it. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

[V M]

Hi Claire 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

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Hugs

V M

[Katie Jade]

Hi Claire
Welcome, and as a Newbie myself I can guarantee that there are many here to help you and tell you of their experience in our situation that will undoubtedly help you. You are not alone in where you are and others have gone before you, so don't feel afraid to just ask and I'm sure someone will help. If your bored read my recent introduction, I'm not special but its where I am.
Hugz Katie XX

[Kendra]

Hello Claire!  I am very glad you're here.  Thank you for joining Susan's! 

Best wishes on your upcoming conversation.  I can only imagine the pressure you must be feeling but I have also been in situations where I knew it was best to just get it all out on the table.  Your wife sounds wonderful and I am hoping you have a perfect outcome - but even if that isn't the case, you will know you did your best and are being honest with yourself and with her. 

See you around, and welcome!

Kendra

[Cure Bunny]

Hello Claire!

I am glad that you are now looking forward to being yourself.

Stay shiny


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[seraph]

Hi Claire,

I'm new here. So in your writing you say this has been build up the few months. What you think cause this sudden build up to the point where you want this drastic change. It seem like your willing throw it all on this, so prob you better start to think of all outcomes. For instant, is your love worth to sacrifice and possible lose for you to transition? If the answer is Yes, you're ready.

Everything will be going to change and you state you feel selfish, well you are. You dont get to keep everthing the same and change big piece of self and expect everone around u to accept it. 


If i trade an apple for an orange. I now have the orange not the apple. If like oranges, this is good. Make good decisions.

seraph

[Tommie_9]

Hello, Claire!
I'm MtF. In my case, I had a strong marriage to start with. I took baby steps with my spouse. It was hard on both of us, probably more so on her than me. We still have a great marriage. Just this morning at breakfast, feeling kind of depressed, I thanked her again for accepting me. She said she would "always stand by me, not matter what." It's as if I need to keep getting this affirmation from her, well, I know I do, really. I always take her feelings into consideration, and it's working out for us. I'm betting you'll have the same experience with your spouse. It's a hard thing to do. Good vibes your way with your conversation.
Tommie

[Claire Elizabeth]

Hi Claire,

I'm new here. So in your writing you say this has been build up the few months. What you think cause this sudden build up to the point where you want this drastic change. It seem like your willing throw it all on this, so prob you better start to think of all outcomes. For instant, is your love worth to sacrifice and possible lose for you to transition? If the answer is Yes, you're ready.

Everything will be going to change and you state you feel selfish, well you are. You dont get to keep everthing the same and change big piece of self and expect everone around u to accept it. 


If i trade an apple for an orange. I now have the orange not the apple. If like oranges, this is good. Make good decisions.

seraph

Hi Seraph,

I guess I should clarify a little bit and try to take your input with a grain of salt... These feelings and thoughts are always with me and I have been struggling with them 'knowingly' for almost 40 years. There has always been something that I could rely on to help quiet them, things like moving for the career, a child, financial struggles, stuff like that. I could also dig deep into playing my bass and jamming with others. Now as time and age does, things settle, children grow, the career is fine no  moving around, etc. and it gives time for the quieted mind to start reflecting and allowing these feelings to take more of a front/center stage.

So with that, over the past few months these feelings and thoughts that have always been there are like a parade of a drum core coming closer and getting louder and louder, with nothing impacting my life besides my lovely wife they don't want to be ignored anymore. I'm not wantingly just willing to throw everything away. This does require a conversation and hopefully acceptance from my wife. I also live in a very progressive place and work for a very progressive employer.

I also am VERY aware of what I'm asking... It feels like I've already created terrible terrible problems, let my wife down even before opening my mouth. So I am very aware of trading apples and oranges but this whole life and who we are isn't unfortunately as simple as fruit.

I hope this helps.
C

[Claire Elizabeth]

Hi Claire, welcome!
Self acceptance is often one the biggest hurdles for us,  and it sounds like you're ready to face it. By my late 30's I had alot of emotional badge and repression to shed,  and that takes time.
My marriage sadly didn't survive my transition,  but many do,  just realise it's a journey for them as much as you.
Best of luck in your explorations and for your relationship. We're here for you,  and also your partner if and when you need it. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Thank you so much Megan, I really couldn't agree more!

C

[Claire Elizabeth]

Hello, Claire!
I'm MtF. In my case, I had a strong marriage to start with. I took baby steps with my spouse. It was hard on both of us, probably more so on her than me. We still have a great marriage. Just this morning at breakfast, feeling kind of depressed, I thanked her again for accepting me. She said she would "always stand by me, not matter what." It's as if I need to keep getting this affirmation from her, well, I know I do, really. I always take her feelings into consideration, and it's working out for us. I'm betting you'll have the same experience with your spouse. It's a hard thing to do. Good vibes your way with your conversation.
Tommie

Thanks so much Tommie! If ever I was  hoping to take this journey with anyone it would be her!

[Laurie]

Hi Claire,

  I'm Laurie, mtf. I would also like to welcome you to Susan's Place (hug) Come on in and make yourself at home but please take your shoes off first. Here  have a seat. Comfy? Yeah it is a comfy one. It's Myany's (I think that's right) she off finding herself again so she won't mind. I'd let you use mine but, well, I haven't found myself one yet. Those old fogey ones are expensive and I'm still saving for one. Anyway I'm glad you are here.
  I wouldn't presume to give you advice on how to deal with your family. I failed that course long ago and recently did them same on the makeup test. So you wouldn't benefit from my experience. I will only wish you well and best of luck for a positive outcome.
  I'm happy that you have quit that internal battle within yourself and have instead decided to embrace yourself for who you are. It's the start of a wonderful journey.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[seraph]

Hi Seraph,

I guess I should clarify a little bit and try to take your input with a grain of salt... These feelings and thoughts are always with me and I have been struggling with them 'knowingly' for almost 40 years. There has always been something that I could rely on to help quiet them, things like moving for the career, a child, financial struggles, stuff like that. I could also dig deep into playing my bass and jamming with others. Now as time and age does, things settle, children grow, the career is fine no  moving around, etc. and it gives time for the quieted mind to start reflecting and allowing these feelings to take more of a front/center stage.

So with that, over the past few months these feelings and thoughts that have always been there are like a parade of a drum core coming closer and getting louder and louder, with nothing impacting my life besides my lovely wife they don't want to be ignored anymore. I'm not wantingly just willing to throw everything away. This does require a conversation and hopefully acceptance from my wife. I also live in a very progressive place and work for a very progressive employer.

I also am VERY aware of what I'm asking... It feels like I've already created terrible terrible problems, let my wife down even before opening my mouth. So I am very aware of trading apples and oranges but this whole life and who we are isn't unfortunately as simple as fruit.

I hope this helps.
C

First off, my apology for coming off harsh. My transition have not been easy, I've lost everthing so that why I advise caution. I'm trying to be more positive, I've just gone through a lot of negative expereince. I dont think it suit me or anyone to bring it up. I'm at a point right now, where people are listening to what Im saying and things move in a positive light. I wish the same for you.

[Kelly H]

Hey Claire

I'm new here as well.  I had a similar conversation with my wife of 26 years in May.  Her response was very supportive for a day or so and then turned dark.  It has taken some time to get back on track.  She isn't fully on board with my transition but we both love each other and don't want to throw it all away.

I'm going full time at work in mid November.  She has repeatedly said she won't go out in public with me. My hope is that will change in time