Grrr, why is this so complicated?

[Roll]

Thank you, I love the red hair too.  I wear a pony tail a lot of the time to keep it out of my face and for work.  I need to practice braiding.  I would love to do wind braids, but I am not sure I could do them myself and my wife looked at me like I was crazy when I mentioned it once before.  This stuff is where I truly miss not having been socialized female.  I could have learned and tried out so much of this stuff.

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Watching my sister play with different hair styles and do like fun hidden dyed spots (she has normal hair, then flips it over and its rainbow!) kills me. Missing out on that time as kids and teens is a true loss. :/

[amberwaves]

So sick and tired of working my butt off to fall farther behind and watch others pull ahead of me.  I'm a nice person, a good worker, and way over educated and over qualified.  Screw this crap.  Not ->-bleeped-<- happy [emoji34][emoji34][emoji34][emoji34][emoji34][emoji34][emoji34][emoji34][emoji34][emoji34][emoji34][emoji34][emoji34][emoji34][emoji34][emoji34][emoji34][emoji34][emoji34][emoji34]

Edit: Just venting.  Guess it's time to start looking for greener pastures.  Emphasis on the green.  Also, 2.7% dropped to 0.27% so eff me I guess.

[amberwaves]

And as expected anger fades to a deep self loathing and depression.  FML.  Going to try to sleep and abrogate everything.  Seems to be what I'm best at anyway.

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[amberwaves]

And as expected anger fades to a deep self loathing and depression.  FML.  Going to try to sleep and abrogate everything.  Seems to be what I'm best at anyway.

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Yay sleeping worked.  So much better when I don't have too much T in my system.  That send to extend the duration of those spells by a few days.  I'm still pretty upset about things but I am functional and in a decent mood overall.  I wish I would have known that hrt would help the mood problems this much years ago.

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[amberwaves]

Today has been a weird day.  I didn't get much good sleep so kind of tired.  I was actually on time for a therapy appointment.  That doesn't happen.  I enjoy my therapy sessions but I am also beginning to dread them to a small degree. 

We are working on dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) skills at the moment.  Currently working on mindfulness.  I know I need to learn and practice these skills, but I just don't want to.  Rationally it's the right move and beneficial as all heck, but something inside me recoils in horror.  I am visibly uncomfortable being put on the spot talking about this stuff.  I can't seem to do any practice outside of session. 

We worked through an exercise and I nearly started to panic about 2/3 of the way through.  I felt like I was failing at it and my brain (and body) just ran with that.  I don't like failing or even the remotest possibility of it.  I have such impossibly high standards for myself that any failure is magnified to the point of me just feeling like a complete and general failure and a waste.  This leads to the anger and shame cycle starting.  Some days I wonder if I'll ever move past this.  I honestly doubt my strength in this regard.  Dealing with depression and sorrow, pile it on I'm ->-bleeped-<- Atlas, but to learn to accept myself and continue to expose myself to this discomfort?  I am as weak as an infant.

It's not unusual to walk away from a session in a decidedly "off" mood.  Examining this mood is tough because there is a lot going on.  I've been fighting to keep it above neutral, but slowly losing that fight.  I don't want to wallow in this or be miserable (for once).  I want to talk to someone both for the distraction and to spew out my thoughts, but then I realize I have no friends.  Everyone I could talk to is at work right now.  Also, I don't feel like anyone actually wants to hear me whine, mope, and use them as a sounding board for my own thoughts.  In reality, i want validation that any of this makes sense.  I feel hollow right now as my sense of worth has been challenged.  It's odd to realize how fragile I really am.  Like Achilles, I am nigh impervious except for a fatal flaw.

Other stuff has happened and I would like to update, but can't muster the motivation at the moment.

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[Cassi]

 

[Northern Star Girl ✅]

@ amberwaves:  regarding your latest posting and all that is going through your mind regarding therapy and other issues....   hang in there girl.... we all know that transitioning is not easy.   There are some that have an easier time than yourself and there are many others that are having a tougher time.   
Your journey is your own and is different that anyone else.
It is nice for you to be able to write down and voice your thoughts on here, using it as your journal...  by doing so it can clear your mind and lift burdens.
Best wishes to you as you continue on your journey.,
Aspiringperson

[Jenntrans]

So sick and tired of working my butt off to fall farther behind and watch others pull ahead of me.  I'm a nice person, a good worker, and way over educated and over qualified.  Screw this crap.  Not ->-bleeped-<- happy [emoji34][emoji34][emoji34][emoji34][emoji34][emoji34][emoji34][emoji34][emoji34][emoji34][emoji34][emoji34][emoji34][emoji34][emoji34][emoji34][emoji34][emoji34][emoji34][emoji34]

Edit: Just venting.  Guess it's time to start looking for greener pastures.  Emphasis on the green.  Also, 2.7% dropped to 0.27% so eff me I guess.

Yeah it sux sometimes when you know more than others yet they get pushed ahead. That is the same with whatever career or job you have. I have been through the same crap. I have worked in safety and saw someone with a big company passed over me because I knew more about the actual safety of driving trucks than a 5 year driver. But it is easier to nold that person's mind to the companies will than it would have been with mine which was 12 years and no accidents or tickets. Not even a log book violation.

Yeah it pisses you off but... if you want to get ahead just play as dumb as everyone else is. Or do like I did and go out on your own. That is easy with trucking but not so easy in other industries. But never settle. Take the risks if need be. It is a lot of work for the first year or two and you have a lot of proving to do but I have three trucks that pull nothing but heavy, high, wide and long loads. I had to beg for business and had to invest so much in equipment that  I basically ate bologna sandwiches and one meal a day for the first year. Then the money started coming in after the first month and I could start making my payments. Trucking is different because mostly it takes 45 days to get paid in that industry on your own yet the state and fed require everything like plates, permits, taxes and so on right now. So it took six months to totally catch up. All the while I still had to make payroll and my drivers a percentage and want a check every week so I had to borrow, beg and explain in the first two months. But I just never could see pulling freight for 1 dollar per mile when OD loads pay at least five times that and a lot of times 20 times that.

But if you are overqualified and unhappy then trade the job security and risk going out on your own where you are the one in charge. It isn't pretty for the first year but after that, you will be surprised at the tax write offs on businesses. Trucking itself is a loss so even if I have a good year I still have losses. So be happy even if it means being miserable for a little while. At least you are working for yourself and your own future instead of someone else's.

You ready for a good laugh. I own my own business and still lease trucks to an oilfield company and the safety man for that company calls me for advice especially when it comes to OD loads. He calls me to give road tests because he don't even have a GD CDL. Yet he is in charge of Safety because he has a diploma from a college. I charge the company 40 bucks per road test. I am also a qualified third party tester in my state to pass the test to obtain a CDL. So I am a little experienced in what I do.

But no one ever got anywhere settling for security and a steady paycheck. That leads to bitching about your job and your unhappiness that you mentioned. My ex was the same way and her daddy too. Both used to constantly bitch about their jobs, who was in charge and so on. I really shot upward and beyond after our divorce. Even as an O/O she did not want me to own more than one truck that I drove and I heard all the BS excuses. Then I would have to pay more drivers and then here is more equipment to maintain and on and on. The best thing I ever did was tell her I was trans because then she wanted a divorce and low and behold now I am way more successful than I ever would have been if I would have stayed with her. Oh and I am not rich by a long shot but I am happy and comfortable. But yes I still bitch about work and equipment and so on but it really ain't no big thing now, just a little venting is all.

[amberwaves]

Well it seems my absence the last few days has been noted.  I haven't been avoiding updating or wallowing in misery, just been busy.  Lots of work, sick kids, and the rare evening alone with my wife.  Things have been going good overall.  Today at work I got 6 compliments on my earrings.  I seriously only paid $2 for them, but they look fancy.  Here's a quick and terrible quality photo.  Please excuse the appearance, it's been a long day of work and kids and burning trash for 2 hours.



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[Northern Star Girl ✅]

Well it seems my absence the last few days has been noted.  I haven't been avoiding updating or wallowing in misery, just been busy.  Lots of work, sick kids, and the rare evening alone with my wife.  Things have been going good overall.  Today at work I got 6 compliments on my earrings.  I seriously only paid $2 for them, but they look fancy.  Here's a quick and terrible quality photo.  Please excuse the appearance, it's been a long day of work and kids and burning trash for 2 hours.



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@ amberwaves:  Yes, your absence was certainly noted.  Lots of work is good, right? More hours?  More money?
I like your picture that you posted with your pigtails and you wearing those very cute and colorful earbobs... wow, only $2 !!!!   I love dangly earrings and I like bargains!
Aspiringperson

[Roll]

Well it seems my absence the last few days has been noted.  I haven't been avoiding updating or wallowing in misery, just been busy.  Lots of work, sick kids, and the rare evening alone with my wife.  Things have been going good overall.  Today at work I got 6 compliments on my earrings.  I seriously only paid $2 for them, but they look fancy.  Here's a quick and terrible quality photo.  Please excuse the appearance, it's been a long day of work and kids and burning trash for 2 hours.



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You call that a terrible photo? Girl, you are gorgeous! (Not sure if I can pull off "Girl!", I'm not sure I'm sassy enough. )

[amberwaves]

You call that a terrible photo? Girl, you are gorgeous! (Not sure if I can pull off "Girl!", I'm not sure I'm sassy enough. )

I think you can pull off "Girl".  Thanks for the compliment.  Gorgeous is rarely an adjective I associate with myself.  Terrible may be an overstatement, but objectively it's not a good photo.  It's blurry, my makeup is messy, and my hair is all over the place.  Plus with that angle I can see the magnitude of my schnoz and the (very slight) Adam's apple I possess.  Decades of poor body image turn you into a horrible self critic.

Now I feel like one of those girls who speaks negative about themselves to fish for compliments.  Seriously, that's not the case, though I do like compliments.  One of my coworkers yesterday (who historically is very antisocial and kind of a witch with a b) told me I looked pretty yesterday.

@ amberwaves:  Yes, your absence was certainly noted.  Lots of work is good, right? More hours?  More money?
I like your picture that you posted with your pigtails and you wearing those very cute and colorful earbobs... wow, only $2 !!!!   I love dangly earrings and I like bargains!
Aspiringperson

Lots of work is nice and does = money, but lately it's not my income that is truly deficient.  Thanks I like the pig tails and the earrings too.  Sometimes I feel like I might be too old for the pig tails, but then I say eff it, imma wear em anyway.

Thanks ladies.  I'm off to get my butt stomped at work today [emoji13]

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[Roll]

I think you can pull off "Girl".  Thanks for the compliment.  Gorgeous is rarely an adjective I associate with myself.  Terrible may be an overstatement, but objectively it's not a good photo.  It's blurry, my makeup is messy, and my hair is all over the place.  Plus with that angle I can see the magnitude of my schnoz and the (very slight) Adam's apple I possess.  Decades of poor body image turn you into a horrible self critic.

Now I feel like one of those girls who speaks negative about themselves to fish for compliments.  Seriously, that's not the case, though I do like compliments.  One of my coworkers yesterday (who historically is very antisocial and kind of a witch with a b) told me I looked pretty yesterday.

Oh wow, you sound exactly like my sister! I'll tell you exactly what I tell her: You weren't fishing for compliments, and I don't say them when I don't mean them! I didn't see blurry, or messy makeup, or frizzy hair. I definitely didn't see any nose or trachea issues (seriously, I don't at all)!  (Actually, except for the trachea part, I even have to tell her all of those things. )

[amberwaves]

New update.  Screw today. Screw everything.  I just give up. I don't want to talk about it right now.  Just fml and further confirmation that there is no way to win this stupid rigged game.

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[amberwaves]

Oh wow, you sound exactly like my sister! I'll tell you exactly what I tell her: You weren't fishing for compliments, and I don't say them when I don't mean them! I didn't see blurry, or messy makeup, or frizzy hair. I definitely didn't see any nose or trachea issues (seriously, I don't at all)!  (Actually, except for the trachea part, I even have to tell her all of those things. )

Thanks.  I barely have an Adams Apple.  Just the way I'm holding my head you can sort of see it.  I honestly don't fret about it, just found it weird I could actually see it for once.

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[Northern Star Girl ✅]

New update.  Screw today. Screw everything.  I just give up. I don't want to talk about it right now.  Just fml and further confirmation that there is no way to win this stupid rigged game.

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Hang in there amberwaves, it is early today, there is lots of day left for things to get better... be positive!!!
Sending positive vibes your way.  I will be looking for a good report from you later today.
Aspiringperson

[amberwaves]

Hang in there amberwaves, it is early today, there is lots of day left for things to get better... be positive!!!
Sending positive vibes your way.  I will be looking for a good report from you later today.
Aspiringperson

Unless your positive vibes bring the $10,000 tax return the government just keifed with it, don't bother.  The only thing keeping me functional today is lots of Adderall.  After that wears off [emoji20]

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[Jenntrans]

Unless your positive vibes bring the $10,000 tax return the government just keifed with it, don't bother.  The only thing keeping me functional today is lots of Adderall.  After that wears off [emoji20]

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10 grand is a lot of money. If you own a business or work in an industry that is regulated by the government then that really pisses someone off. You will eventually get it after a lot of grandstanding from both parties. Eventually they will pay it but never ever depend on a tax return to live on. Always expect them at anytime to be late. But you will get it if it is owed to you. Eventually...

[Cassi]

Financial planning could make it easier by reducing your withholding to be closer to what you would owe at the end of the year.  As I recall, what was withheld and what was owed can't have a difference of more than $500 otherwise you'll get penalized.

This is US IRS stuff, not AUS, CA, UK, etc.

[amberwaves]

but never ever depend on a tax return to live on.

Well no ->-bleeped-<- Sherlock because having BPD (known for impulse and self defeating behavior) and ADHD (known for impulsive behavior and poor planning) make it so frickin easy to run your finances.  I suck at it and have for as long as I've been an adult.  I'm so glad you told me what I already know, but am completely unable to actually do.

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