Hi, I am 15 years old, and I am pre everything. I have been binding for around 3 years now, and it hasn't always been a smooth trip. I started with ace wraps for a couple weeks before a friend got a relatively cheap binder for me. After a year or so, it became pretty flimsy, so I stopped wearing it for awhile (this was before coming out to my school and people around me). When I was 13 and tried to wear it again because of excruciating dysphoria, it was giving me back pain, and I couldn't wear it more than one day in a row. Over the summer before starting tenth grade, I didn't have a binder, period. So I resorted back to ace because it was all I had, and I was practically going insane with all the dysphoria crushing me. I did this probably 10 hours a day for like 6 weeks. It was hell, and I knew my back was killing me and that I could barely breathe with it, but we all know how dysphoria makes us do dumb things. By surprise, my absolutely amazing mother (I love her so much) bought me a high quality binder from underworks. This year has been the first that I am out to everyone, my school and classmates included. It's been heaven so far, but I can't NOT wear my binder all the time without wanting to scream, so I think I've been wearing it too much. Probably 8 or 9 hours daily, including exercise and the terrible chest cold I'm suffering. It's so so stupid, and I'm really screwing myself up, but I can't stop. My entire back, top to bottom, is in so much pain all the time, and breathing is so hard that I nearly black out after running up the stairs, and I exercise (swimming without binder) 16 hours a week. My worry is that if I go to the doctor and find out something's out of wack with my ribs and back, I won't be allowed to bind anymore. I genuinely think that would tip me past the breaking point. As with many trans kids, I've got some issues. As self-destructive as I already seem, I get intrusive thoughts. The thing is, my intrusive thoughts are primarily based around my chest and hips. The strongest one I have is of cutting my breasts off, something that I know I'm not alone in. I'm horrified that if I go into an episode of... whatever it happens to be that day, I'll do something and ruin my chances of ever getting top surgery. It's just so damn far away, though. My parents understandably won't allow surgery until I'm 18, but I'm so frustrated that I can't even begin putting it into works. I have been trying to bind less frequently as of late, but I think I've already done a considerable amount of damage and I'm always in pain. How am I supposed to tell my mom that I hurt myself with the amazing gift she gave me? I guess I'm asking for a good way to phrase the situation to her. Any ideas?
