People showing little compassion and/or love and it hurts

[ZiaAngel375]

Hi  this is my first post here and I'm sorry it's on this but I have been up till now 2am in the morning struggling with insomnia and watching videos on people transitioning or living a life they want like I try to do and like a idiot I scroll to the comments.

Maybe since I'm 23 and young to the world in general I don't know what I'm talking about but I feel I need to talk to someone and hope to be heard. Therapy helps but only so much, I am sorry but I still prefer talking and listening to a person who isn't trying to pry my brain nor help my depression issues out. So once again I apologize for seeming to rant but I want to know am I right to feel this way.

I was watching a video on a sweet girl named Rebecca and how she felt she knew how she was and how her parents support her. As usual I do this to better understand why I feel this way also but why it affects me now more than it did when I was a child and how as I come more open its harder to put a mask on to please people. As I finished I scrolled down and read comments and the way people react by calling her "him" and saying other very hurtful things brought such sadness to my heart I found myself unable to sleep.

After a bit I remember how it was when my parents found out and how my father tried disown in me and explaining how disrespectful and how wrong it is to mutilate myself is that it made me think about my situation now. Currently they talk and help me but believe it's all in the past that I was rebelling or something that I shouldn't assume they were thinking. I think how can I explain this to them, how to explain how I feel, how to explain that it's not their fault or me attacking them but rather me trying to find happiness and beauty with and for myself like they want. Sure they explain how they see me as wonderful as their son but I don't see myself that way and never really felt that way. It wasn't as strong now but it was always difficult finding what I felt I like about myself more so physically than mentally. As I opened to who I am it's not the opposite and I even find myself sexy to where "yes I know it's vain to say" I feel sexy. I've never felt that way till I really presented as a woman, as myself.

I feel I know what to say, but I'm worried that since I'm young it is not only blown off but maybe I'm wrong since I don't have the age of experience that people who have lived longer and experienced more have. I want to talk about how I see love as a compassion for giving and investing without expecting to receive anything but the same love back. I feel that way about my ex wife who I still feel such deep attachment to like that even though it appears she doesn't feel like that about me. It's through this love and compassion I let people be who they are because it brings joy to them and that is a gift enough for me. It's sad people don't see that way and I want to explain that love and compassion doesn't always give you some fulfillment but it's a investment into something or someone else in hope they feel some sort of goodness from it. Even if it's just calling someone by how they want to be called or even just loving a child as your child.

I'm not asking people to conform but to use what everyone has and that's the love and compassion within them. It hurts to see such slandering for someone else. I've gotten used to names that hurt me from being picked on in school and being in the military. Bit for someone even like me, with the pain and distrust of people I have from my experiences I still want to be loved and to love. I may not believe in a higher power and life is for naught but it doesn't mean I can't live the way that feel right. I live from my compassion and how I feel on the inside even though genetics said otherwise. I treat the physical side as a challenge I have to overcome for myself if I want to be someone I can look and say I worked for this and I love all of me. I just wish I and any others like me could feel that compassion back that we give so openly. We aren't perfect but we do feel and we do love. Why is it so hard to understand that?

[Charlie Nicki]

Hi ZiaAngel, first of all welcome.

Second, I've realized it is in our best interest to try and not read hateful comments posted online...I had a similar experience recently, here in my country a transwoman participated in a reality show and became famous, and she was featured in a video interview posted on Instagram and there were so many hateful comments, people saying "no matter what you do, you will always be a man" and things of that nature. It hurt me, it made me think about how I am going to deal with such hatred when it happens to me. It's sad really, but all we can do is get a thicker skin and hold our heads high.

About your parents, I can't really help you much with that, I will just tell you that you should come out whenever you feel you need to, and whenever you feel is safer. Don't need to rush it if it's gonna hurt you.

[HappyMoni]

Hi Zia,
   I can really feel the pain and upheaval in your words. I welcome you to the site and think it is good for you to share. I hope you will continue as talking to people with similar experience can help put things in perspective. People here understand what it is to be trans. They  make comments from knowledge, not ignorance like the comments you have read. Maybe a focus on people who are understanding will help you be at peace with yourself. You have to determine what path is best for your life and seek out those who do support. I have found being as positive as you can helps with being trans. Focusing on the idiot's comments is like focusing on the worst possible view of life. Your feelings on your gender are valid, and no one should try to tell you otherwise. Oh, my name is Moni. I hope you will stay around  and chat. Gosh, that wasn't 'prying your brain' I hope. Didn't mean to if I did. lol

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. There Are None So Blind As Those Who Will Not See comes to mind in cases like this. I often think about it when I see posts made in ignorance. All of my life I have tried to see issues from both sides. I don't often agree with one side but I can understand why they might think that was if they miss a part of the puzzle. I try to explain this without being critical but they are blind to the information I present as they were blind to the argument the first time they saw it.

I make me wonder about an all knowing god who is judging me. What information am I missing that causes a flaw in my judgement. Hopefully none because I do my best to understand both sides of an argument before judging.

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