Hi
Hello ladies and gents,
Long-time no see, a lot has been happening in my life over the last 11 months or so.
How are we all doing?
Me not so well lately, very sad the last couple of days. more on that later. I don't know where to start really...be warned this is fairly long post, sorry..writing it out here and getting peoples views helps more than you know.. so thanks for reading this.
I guess the only place to start, as with most things, in the beginning.... I am very bad with dates these days. Anyway, several months ago I invited my nephew over for dinner and told him about me. it was very nerve wracking to say the least. and I admitted many things about me, that I have never admitted to anyone other than my therapist. He took it well, admitted he has been going thru the same thing and explained it was one of the main reasons of his troubles at home. it blew me away, and I gave him lots of advice and where to go to get therapy.
Around a week or two later, he was having very bad time at home. So, I invited him to move in with me. But one of the provisions was too take it slow. I don't want my family to find out about me, or us till we are ready for them to know we are transitioning. Because they are very smart, and it won't take long to put one and one together and come up with the right answer. That I have to take it slow, at least till my divorce is finalized and one other thing is finalized before my family finds out. If they found out earlier, it will impact me badly and I don't want to lose what little I have left. And I advised him to see a doc and go get counselling, and to most of all be totally honest with the therapist, he did just that. That week I went to see mine and asked about HRT and was told well next month I will give you your letter. I got home and told him I am getting my letter next. He told me he will get his sooner (privately I thought not so much, you have much to work thru).
Time moved on, and over the next month we both started laser, he started shaving his arms and legs and other body hair... and his mom (my oldest sister) got suspicious when he visited, and each time he went over she got more and more so. Till finally she messaged him and asked him out right, I told him its best not to lie and tell the truth. I was very upset they found out so soon, I was fairly upset and felt betrayed. Even after our agreement. So, he told her the truth, his family were upset and didn't take it very well. And apparently during one of their conversations they asked if I am doing the same thing. I was upset about this, apparently, he said no. I felt betrayed by all of this. So, after my counselling appoint, I sat down with him and told him he betrayed my trust. I didn't want anyone to find out till many months down the track, after my divorce and we are both in a position with friends to cope with the loss of my family. And now they are questioning me as well. But I deflect them with the truth, but stopping short of admitting I am trans. What he does, doesn't just affect him, it affects everyone around him. And what he has done may very well affect my divorce and access to my children. So, I asked him to move out in 30 days please.
Things started getting a little cold between us after this. I got 2 weeks leave, and in that time I bought myself a brand new i5 7600k computer. It set me back around $1500, it was meant to be my rig for editing videos, blog and other things. My computer is my life these days. sad really, but I do a lot on it daily. Anyway, he decided to go stay with at a friend's place for that week, but before all this he gave his pc to his dad, sold his ps4. So off he went, a few days later (me working on my new pc) he comes over with his friend to pick up clothes. And he was a dodgy dude, and I felt really uncomfortable the whole time they were here. I thought crap when I go to back to work 10 to 1 my pc will be gone one day when I get home. And I wouldn't be able to prove he took it, cause he will claim the house was locked... gulp. A day or so later I found out my nephew went to his moms' house and simply took his pc back he had given his dad. That pissed me off and really upset my brother in law, the little
>-bleeped-<e, his dad used the rig to do his photo editing (he has a big follower base on Instagram.
So I took my screen over, i5 7400 CPU, brand new computer case that was left over from my upgrade. and gave them the CPU for a later upgrade when they can get the board to get it going. and put his old computer back together with a new case. But what the heck do I do about my new upgrade. I decided since it was gonna be stolen I may as well give it to my sister who was using and old rig. So I walked in and gave it to her, she was blown away. That weekend he came over and I asked him, are you moving in with these people and he said yes. I asked him for his house keys and he simply handed them over to me and took most of his things, I also warned him that one of his female friends is falling in love with him and too be careful. but his bed, table was still here.
A few weeks later, I contacted him and asked when is he gonna grab the rest of his stuff and he gave me a date. Then wondered why my second sister wasn't answering. I explained she has her own family and doesn't always answer straight away. Then he told me he was gonna borrow her car to move his stuff. I reminded him, that's her pride and she won't lend it out. He went off at me "who was talking
>-bleeped-<e about me to her." and I was like, no one it's how it is. It's her car and she can decide who will driver her car. well that went down badly.
The day arrived for him to fetch his stuff, he knocked. I opened the door for him and he simply walked in, his female friend with him and they began loading his car. My sister and her husband arrived with their 4x4 and trailer and we loaded the up. once all was done he left, not even a thank you for everything, not a thing. He didn't even vacuum his room, left it a mess. He left behind his guitar, tools and several items. I messaged him, and he said chuck them. So I had the guitar gifted too someone who wanted one to learn to play and the other bits and pieces back to his family and the rubbish bin.
The following couple of weeks, I was still seething about what he did to his dad. Give him a pc and then take it back. Anyway, several packages arrived for him at my house. So I contacted him and told him I have several packages for him. He wanted them, I also asked for my Panasonic sound bar back. He got really pissed, claimed I gave it to him. I recall no such thing. Then he wanted me to leave his stuff on my front door step, he would then fetch his items and leave the bar for me. I said no, the house is a corner street home and it will stolen and we will blame each other. Things went downhill from there. Back and forth I still refused to leave his stuff on the front door step, I said no way. He then threatened to release all the recordings of our conversations to my EX wife, have a great life sucker/a#$##le. I told him, is that supposed to scare me, you blackmail me. I was shaking with pure anger. A family member threating me with blackmail, that instant I nearly went to the cops and reported him for his threating me with blackmail. But I chose not too as it was my sisters child. So I told him a better idea, I will place his packages on the back-door step. He can then fetch his stuff and leave my sound bar there. I also calmly informed him, once we have done this exchange I have no desire to ever speak to him again, also please don't contact my children. He told me I can't do that, and yes I can as I am their parent. From that moment you are no longer family or blood, you went too far by threating me with blackmail. You can never come back from that, have a great life and all the best for the future. There is no coming back from that ever, esp. if you record family and threaten them with it. I have since forgiven him, but I can never trust him, nor do I want him in my life ever period. Immediately after this conversation I deleted my blog and removed him from everything electronic. I just recently restarted my blog
That weekend I told my family to be careful when talking to him as he records everything you send or say to him in his presence (it's not illegal to do so in my state, as long as you don't use it for illegal stuff). I found out, he has been doing what he did to me to his parents and sister for years. If I had known that I would of def gone to the cops. Don't frack with my siblings, I will always love them and protect them no matter what may come. When I spoke to my kids, I warned them too, and they immediately block him on social media and all games. my oldest was **** that
>-bleeped-<, and blocked him straight away. I also warned my ex.
Several weeks go by, and then one day out of the blue my ex-wife called me and asked if it's true. I went into mild shock at that question and asked, "Is what true?". And she said the trans stuff, and I said yes why? She told me my nephew was pissed my kids won't talk to him and he gave her all the communications he recorded between us to her. the fb messages, sound recordings everything. In one foul swoop he ruined my chances for an equitable divorce, the prick. We spoke (my Ex and I) for three hours, in a way it was a relief that I don't have to hide from her anymore. But she guessed that was the reason we separated, see I told her all about this when we got together 17 years ago and the separation 14 years ago. She put it all together over the last year or so. She told me, doesn't matter whether she agrees with it or not, she won't block communications with my kids. And what are my plans for the future, I told her truthfully at the time I don't know (I do now). but I will def tell my children before I tell my family, that gonna be interesting.
A couple of weeks later my eldest sister came over to visit, and she told me about my nephew being rejected for HRT because of Factor V. That sunk my heart (as I may have the same condition), and made plans to see my doc asap. She also told me a story that her son was visiting, he used her computer and didn't log off Facebook and she read everything between me and him (heck I may have done the same thing if I were in that position). I was shocked, but resigned to it none the same. She wondered why I never spoke about this In South Africa when I was younger. And I looked at her and said in South Africa? Dad in the Air Force (gave her Are you for real look). She went oh right, I told her I am seeing a Christian shrink and working thru stuff, she left but she did offer to chat with me if I ever need too. But I know what ever I tell her, my mom and dad eventually know too. figured that out 18months ago.
I never believed that story she told me, still don't. I bet anything he sent the stuff to her as well. what worried me was my parents, who were on holiday across the country since this all started (him moving in). Did he send that to them as well??? My guess is yes, he did, and they are waiting for me to say something. They were due to come home couple weeks after her coming over (that was mid-September). But since then nothing, not a word.
Then this last weekend I went over for dinner on Sunday, and skyped my kids. one for my second eldest son, whos' birthday is tomorrow. but also, because my parents have not spoken to my kids in months. And during this I showed them my long hair, and one said his bro should cut it off. My Dad agreed and was very negative and aggressive about my long hair ever since I started growing it. For the last two visits he has been very aggressive and negative. Leads me to believe they know, he sent them the confidential stuff as well. That's one reason for me being down, the other is the usual and the fact I know I am unlovable and tad lonely. I have always known I am ugly (at the moment) and unlovable, who would love me if they knew everything about me? My parents love the thought of a son, and love me because they must. I love who I am, everything about me, but I accept reality. But that's another topic.
And the other day I saw an FB post he had short hair. My guess is he is trying to get in their good books soo he can move home. He has lost his jobs and had to go bankrupt. If he does move back, I def wont visit...If he is at the family Christmas dinner I will simply get up and leave. my doc said if the is there he will tell them all. And I didn't really know what to say that. but I will own up to it then and leave, with a broken heart accepting the fact I just lost my entire family (except second eldest sister). He would do just that, I expect nothing less, anything to make himself look good. I am sure he is blaming me for everything, kind of born from how my brother-in-law has been treating me lately.
He fails to realise, its him and his behaviour. He also failed to realise that my wife and I have known each other for 18 years, had kids together, it would take a lot more to destroy that. That kind of time, and knowing each other for so long, so much history is hard to destroy. It hasn't destroyed our ability to talk to each other and simply talk from time to time. When my wife asked me if what she got was true, my eldest (who is moving back to Australia to live me) overheard the conversation (thin walls). And he is fine with it (he knows two trans in his school), no matter what he told her he will always love me.
