What is your relationship with your deadname? (aka birth name)
Do some of your family/friends still use it? What do you feel like when you are called that? Do you ever see it written down anymore? Are there situations you still have to use it (like contacting relatives)?
What do you feel when you see/hear that name?
Do you still recognize it when you see it somewhere (as somenone else's name, such as in movie credits, in a magazine...)?
Or are you one of those lucky ones who decided to keep theirs & are happy with it,
?
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I stopped using it at 13. But haven't still been able to legally change it. (About to, though.)
Actually I don't anymore even recognize it 'as my name' if I see said name written somewhere. I am really not that person. So the name is like any other.
My family members still use it. Whenever I hear said name said aloud as applied to me - it feels the same as someone told me: **** you! and expected me to react to that. By calling me that you are not only making a statement that I don't have a right to my own name - hearing that name actually wipes away my whole human value as a person to be respected. That's how I feel. It's just one word - but it has a multitude of meanings, starting with: You are not a man. You are a woman. You look like a woman. etc.etc.etc. It's like you sign all that by deciding to call me that.
If someone who I don't know (like a doctor) calls me that, it feels exactly as bad - but at least I know that person meant no harm. It doesn't help with the feeling, though.
Each time I hear it it's like a smack in the face.
Having to use that name legally is like being forced to use anyone's ID that's not MINE. That's not my name. Period. So not only do I feel violated by having to use that - I also feel I'm using some other person's ID & information. I feel no connection to it whatsoever. It feels utterly ridiculous!
And when I get mail with that name for example, or see that written down somewhere (as my name) - I get this flash of extreme anger & feel like pulling my hair or strangling someone.
I will not purposely use that name anywhere, ever. I feel like it's some gruesome joke that it's on my ID/files. And anyone who uses that name or sees it I feel like killing, basically.
So - totally neutral in general (no connection whatsoever) - and extreme anger when applied to me.
If there's one thing that makes you start on bad terms with me - it's saying that name aloud in my presence. It makes me instantly hate you, even if you meant no harm or didn't know.
What about you guys?
Mod Edit- Please watch your language
