....it's a oneway ticket to happiness

[stephanie_craxford]

I've been on my RLT for a little over six months now, completly out, HRT, therapy, electro etc... etc...  That is short by some accounts, but so far for me it has been a life time.  To say that the past three months have been a strain would be a gross understatement.   To put it mildly, work has been hell on earth, the pressures have been building so much that I finally had a small melt down yesterday when I got home.

Don't get me wrong, the pressures involved the work load coupled with my transition, not work itself.  We have an acute driver shortage and this week alone I've been run ragged training new bus drivers to try and keep pace.  On top of that we had two vehicle accidents that I had to investigate, and on top of that I had four Driver Safety Workshops to conduct all week for the employees.

So it came to a head yesterday.  I get up each day at 4:00 AM, breakfast, shower, hair, make-up, and out the door for a 40 minute drive to town and into work by 6:00 AM, 6:30 I start training.  Finish work between 4:30 PM and 4:45 PM, home by 6:00 PM... yah, yah, I know it sucks to be me   (I know - at least I have a job - pay sucks).

My days are long, and at the same time I'm in full transition, fighting those battles along with the battles at work, trying to balance each so that one doesn't affect the other.  It got sooooooooo damn hard today, it seems that things were just coming to a point  that I thought that I would lose my mind if the pressure didn't stop.  My manager asked me what was wrong and I told her that I just get the feeling that I'm being kept under a microscope, that everyone is watching me, watching what I'm doing, how I'm doing, what I'm doing...

Anyway I got home that night and there was a Birthday card in the mail from my mom in England (It's later this month - no cards please - just money ).  I read the card and I burst into tears.  I can truly say that I have never, ever cried so hard.

This is what the card said:

For a truly Special Daughter

I hope that if I told you
It would come as no surprise
That Daughter you mean more to me
Than you could ever realise.

If only it were possible
Within a simple card,
To say you're rather special
And held with such regard...

I could search the whole world over
To look for something new,
And never find the perfect wish
For a Daughter as special as you.

Up until yesterday my transition and my RLT had being going very well, no problems, no fears, but don't ever believe anyone who says it's easy.  IT'S NOT, and the pressures, pain and suffering that one has to endure is at times life threatening.  There is no turning back, it's a one way ticket to happiness, but you had better be ready for the ride of your life, it's hard to step off a speeding train.

Steph

P.S.  Things are back to normal now, for now  

[Sara]

Hi Stephanie, I cried too when I read those words and they sound comforting and your mom picked that one out especially for you. Dont get down as all this does is hamper the good things in your life. They do say that we as preops go through a lot more depression and self torture than anyone else on the planet and they are right as we have a lot of pressure on us due to all the big changes in our lives. We understand how each other feels and what each other is going through but it is hard for others to even come close to empathy.

I had a really bad yesterday and it felt like my whole world was about to end so maybe there is something in the air and you caught it from me.

Smile and be happy!

Sara.

[molly]

Steph:

Not only are you a truely special daughter, your a truely special woman!  Hang in there girl, your an inspiration to many of us.  Very nice card from your mom.

Sometimes a good cry is what is needed to release the emotional pressures.

Molly

[Sheila]

Hi Steph,
  Very nice card from mom. She really cares and understands, you are truely a lucky gilr indeed.
  It is hard to transition on the job, especially the kind of job you have. You must realise that hormones do take an effect on your daily life. You do get a little paranoid at times and when those times come just sit down and relax and think of happy thoughts, mine is to go off and get a chocolate Breve. I still have those moments, but I know they are just moments and I have to contain my thoughts. Sometimes it's hard when you have some children your trying to drive home and one of them lets out with some blood curdling scream that you know for sure that someone got killed on your bus. I really sympathize with you and what you are going through, teenage years at the ripe age of 50. It was meant for the young at heart, cause ours have a hard time comming to grips with it. Take care hon-BIG HUGS
Sheila

[melissa_girl]

Wow Stephanie.  I'm sorry you are had such a hard time.  At least you received a wonderful card.  Just the fact that your mother sent one to her "daughter" says she truly accepts who you are.
I hope the rest of your RLT goes a lot smoother than today.

Melissa

[Cassandra]

Well that got me all teared up. You're a lucky woman Steph. Be of good cheer.

Cassie

[Dennis]

OK Steph, I don't cry anymore since doing T, but that got a lump in my throat. Yeah, ok, the eyes got a tad moist as well. But just moist, then I cleared my throat a lot and it went away.

That is so cool. Beyond cool, cause I know you have an English mum. You must really be a special and loved daughter for your mum to do that.

Some day, I have to hie my ass out to Ontario, find out where the hell Enterprise is, and convince you and your wonderful partner to go out for coffee.

Dennis

[Kimberly]

^{*hugs Steph*}

[stephanie_craxford]

Thanks everyone.

Although my transition had nothing to do with this directly, it's amazing how life's stresses can build and build without you knowing it.  Gillian knew there was something wrong even when I said "nothing" when she asked.  As I mentioned in another topic I'm feeling great again.  We went out to a bar in town last night and sat had a few glasses of wine, a great meal, and great company.  Got to remember to count my blessings, and I really mean count my blessings.

My bit of turmoil was nothing compared to the suffering that dear friends are enduring at this moment.

Steph

[Hazumu]

Dang! this sounds like a me-too post, but I'll try to add something to the discussion--

<PROFOUND>
Five years ago, when I decided to learn Japanese (arguably the hardest language for English-users to learn,) I got some advice about achieving fluency in the language -- "Think 'Ten year' project, or more".  The advice-givers went on to say that it would be a humongus struggle to learn, but that the only way to learn it was to dig in, attack on all fronts, and don't give up.

Oddly, this advice has given me the gumption to keep going.  Any time I get frustrated and think, "Dammit!  I'm not making any progress, and it's eating all my free time!",  I remember "Ten year project" and, after a break, pick it up and keep going.

What's this got to do with transition?  When I had my epiphany, I thought about all the bad $#!^ that could happen -- I mean I really thought about enduring stares and whispers (or worse) the rest of my life, of losing some friends and possibly some family, maybe being unemployed, and all the other bad things that RealLife™ could dish out to a TS girl -- only in amplified form.

And all the bad $#!^ I could imagine didn't deter me from my decision.  I hope that, like with learning Japanese, it'll be a source of strength as I climb the various mountains on the road to substantially completing transition (I believe one never completes transition, it's just that after 4 or 5 years the pace of change becomes almost negligible.)

The curiosity of others towards the transitioning or transitioned is only natural.  I don't think there's much wrong with healthy, benign curiosity -- but you (the rhetorical 'you') need to set limits and make it known that you really want to just be accepted, and at some point the questions/comments cross a line and become too much.  Steph, maybe if you attach a price to the questioning, like having the questioner buy you lunch or something, will moderate the curiosity a bit and keep your resentment from building up...  (Of course, malignant/malevolent 'questions' are another topic.)

I'll add one more thing on the topic of happiness.  I noticed an immediate pay-off to my decision to no longer censor myself and to eagerly/diligently pursue transition.  Just from acting on that decision, I feel a lot better about myself.  I find I'm a lot more spontaneous (a good thing) without the bad ole' traffic cop telling me, "Watch out!  They'll think you're a fag!" -- And I'm no longer consumed by wondering what it is that's 'wrong' with me, why I don't (didn't) 'get it', why I don't (didn't) quite seem to fit in.

As my body begins feminizing (I should begin HRT within a month,) I'm sure the crap I imagined happening will start to randomly happen.  But there are good things that I'm also anticipating.  I think (and am hopeful) that the good things -- the increased hapiness and contentedness -- will far outweigh the bad stuff.
</PROFOUND>

I now return control of this topic to you 

Haz

P.S., the lab that did my baseline tests faxed the report to the wrong doctor, putting the start of HRT off by a week.  RealLife™ does have a habit of intruding...

[stephanie_craxford]

Steph, maybe if you attach a price to the questioning, like having the questioner buy you lunch or something, will moderate the curiosity a bit and keep your resentment from building up...  (Of course, malignant/malevolent 'questions' are another topic.)

Hey there Haz,

While I'm sure that there are those who are still curious, I don't know for sure "Who"   I supose I could take everyone out to dinner, but to do that they would have to give me a pay raise and then they would really be resentful   However that's really a great idea.

When I came out at work last year there was an information session put on by management for all employees explaining my situation and what was going to happen etc...  Everyone was in attendance and it went over pretty well.  While I was the hot topic around the water cooler for about a week, life has slipped into the routine   However I've had several people who have been genuinely curious about me and I've answered all their questions honestly and openly.  I know that there are those who would rather not discuss the subject but that's OK too.

I just get the feeling that I'm being kept under a microscope, that everyone is watching me, watching what I'm doing, how I'm doing, what I'm doing...

And it was just a feeling...

Thanks so much Haz,

Steph

[Joseph]

Steph, you really have cool mom.  Thanks for sharing!! 

Joseph