Jo Bloggs (formally The Rambles of Shambles)

[Shambles]

Need a single place to collect my thoughts rather than posting lots of different topics.. Not expecting anyone to actualy read this btw 

I wanted to go and get either some nail varnish or lipstick yesterday (Bering in mind that i have not got anything like this atm) its a sunday so shop tills dont open until 10 but shops will open up at 930 to get your stuff, got a few other things and walked towards the lady stuff.... walked past..... down again.... walked past.... whats the deal! im now laughing to myself in the shop down another isle. its pritty messed up when something stops you doing something, wasnt anyone i knew in there although people round here have a tendency to pop up at no notice but could feel other females eyes on me even though they blatantly wasn't. A guy walked past me ans smiled when i was walking the other way, was a guy to guy 'alright' kinda greeting but could imagine it like he was smiling to the real me. Anyway grabbed some cotton wool pad things and got the hell out of there.

New years eve last night and i was thinking i need to come out to my wife, perfect opportunity, bit of booze and she was't in a mood. Thought well its now or never..... i took the never option, put me on a downer at 1130 when i realised i havent got the balls to talk about it.

Now labels, sometimes i hate these others im interested to how's best to describe myself, i mean how do you tell a cis person, what words to use. Am i a trans-woman or maybe trans-femme? I cant trust my brain as it has kept this a secret from me for 35 years so need to rely on thoughts and facts now. I mean i know im on the girl side of the spectrum but where? in the middle of that or right at the end? could i be happy as trans-femme and transition in some way? or as trans-femme and not transition at all? or is it trans-woman and its all the way baby! All i know is that i dont want to me a freak in society, theres the best intention to find yourself and be true to you but at the end of the day there's this big big urge to just fit in. the only way i could rock up as a girl would either be in a wig or a propperly shaved head.... i mean shaved right off to hide male pattern baldness

Moods, do get mood swings, partly to do with meds im on partly to do with general situations at home, work and well this whole situation. The lows, well im not suicidal i can say that, i couldnt do that to myself but when the lows hit i do think sometimes i might be easier if i just have a heart attack right there or something lol. im not worried about these lows, i can recognise them when they hit and know it'll pass.

Weight, 20st 8 at worst or 288 lbs, lost 2 stone(28lb) before xmas but put around 9 back on so its back loosing wieght for 2018... that kinda rhymes!. Goal is to loose 8 stone or 112 lb, i know thats my biggest bug bear atm and would make alot of things better for me.

Hair OMG hair, its becoming a bit obsessive atm, using a combination of epilator, cream and tweezers. epilator on legs is fantastic, but chest - god dam! so so many ingrowing hairs and skin looks repulsive now, it'll heal but with me more slowly than you due to my immune system. i do feel better now most of my body hair is now gone though but find myself looking towards my eyebrows and how they look to masculine but i know i cant touch them atm or they'll be some fallout and ill be wanting to go freeze myself in vault 111

anyway its a new year, and more than ever a new me. Im not going to call these resolutions as you and i know they dont work. These are my goals in 2018, this is what i know i need to achieve for my own sanity

1) come out to wife
2) come out to others
3) loose that 111lbs, or atleast whats safe in 12 months
4) develop my business more and leave my current job
5) try experimenting with make up / clothes
6) figure out what i am
7) get into a hair routine and dont be obsessive every day
8 ) let me be me

I was trying to make it to 10 but 8 is good

Congratulations if you actually read all that or to be fair even if you skipped after awhile to the end . Im not expecting any relies to my rambles, not looking for anything advise but feel free to share as im always open but just wanted to alteast form a framework to go foward

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Shambles.  Happy New Year!

Don't beat yourself up over not (yet) coming out to your wife.  That's a hard one, probably the hardest to do.  It took me six months to get up the nerve to do it.  Be kind to yourself, but keep trying.  You'll get there.

I like your list.  #8 is what it is all about.  You'll get there!

I hope 2018 is as good for you as 2017 was for me.

[Devlyn]

I've been known to take a few gambles, so the rambles of Shambles feels like my scrambles through the brambles. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[Bari Jo]

Hi shambles, it's fun reading the new posts like this.  I've been tempted to post an all inclusive for myself,sofemme but I've had such highs and lows I'm afraid to put them all together.  It would read like a horror story.

I think it's good to not come out on new year's, you made the right call.  Everybody has a preconceived idea how a holiday should go, abd throwing in the trans curve ball can be very stressful added onto the holiday.  You'll have time for another day.

I've had lots of exoerience with hair removal and can attest that epilating did remove the hair longest before visible regrowth of the temporary types.  Yes though you've got to exfoliate often to avoid the ingrown hairs.  Even then it's going to happen.  I used to emulate my face before I got serious with hrt and electrolysis.  Now I only do the permanent methods in my face.  A plus about the rest of your hair on hrt is that it grows in much more slowly and thinner hair.  The ingrown will be fewer on hrt if you want to epilate still.

Bari Jo

[Rachel]

Hi,

First things first, breath. I have learned that 5 minutes of meditation helps to clear my mind and help me feel better when things get close.

Can you see a gender therapist? It may help in putting things into perspective. For example, you are beating yourself up for not buying nail polish. I remember  going into a Walmart to but just one thing female. I went just when the store opened. I walked in and around the female clothing and out the store. The closer I go to the clothing them more I thought others were watching and my face got hot. I was a wreck and for not buying some cloths.

Transition is built one success at a time. I realize now no one cares. They may look at you but when I look back they turn away. I buy age appropriate clothing that looks nice. What I do with my money is my business.

At some point people addressed me a mam or miss. I am a transwoman and transsexual. I like myself and I am nice to others and respectful. Others know that and treat me the same. It took me years to lose my self hate and the feeling of shame. Why would I be ashamed to be a woman? Why would I hate myself for being a woman? I had internalized transphobia and I felt the woman are looked down upon by men.

Dealing with transphobia means dealing with how you see yourself.

Dealing with my feeling men look down on woman is from male socialization. I have learned that there is an onion thin difference between male and female (paraphrase from Jenny Borland). I need to be me and that includes being female. There are as many costs as benefits.


I am tall and I need to lose about 2 stone. I lost about 10 stones in my past about 19 years ago. You can do it. I know if I cut out sugar, breads and flour and eat a salad at every meal I lose weight. Even with no T in my body and on a high dose of E.

Good luck in the new year; remember to breath and only work on one thing at a time.

[Shambles]

You know devlyn hugs are the best type )

Rachel, i am taking the small wins approach, dont think i could deal with this all at once. Theripist isnt in the near future, no time or money for this and if went through the nhs route thats 13 months + away anyway. Yes it would help get to answers sooner but honestly i dont want to rush to an end point... not yet. Ive identified theres a problem and working towards the answers. My biggest two things are the wife and weight. I no ill loose the weight and i will talk to her at some point.

The thing is with my wife i think she will be acepting right away, i think she wont really care. Its just the words from me a like a cat being frozen in the car headlights thats coming towards it. In a weird it might even be good for our relationship as its not good atm as man and wife.

Jo i want to epelate under arms next rarther than cream there but the thought of the pain for the 1st time when all the hair is there is horrid!

Ive also been thinking about names alot as male name is too male. Theres a couple i like as can be taken either way and cant see myself with a highly femme name right now. Looking at maybe Jamie or Joanne (but always shorten to Jo). Im leaning towards Jo right now but im not going to decide that just yet

[HappyMoni]

Shambles (Jo)?,
   Hi, my name is Monica, or Moni. I think a lot of us if not all on this site understand the fear you have. You are driven to go forward yet fearful of blowing up what you have. That first step is the hardest. Maybe it might help to know that when you come out to her, it does not have to be with an answer for who or what you are. An admittance of struggling with gender issues and asking your partner to help you figure it out might be easier than a pronouncement of, "I am trans!" It would be less pressure and allows for movement for you to move in a direction one way or another. It is obviously painful for you to keep this secret. Why not share how it makes you feel. A loving spouse usually wants to help when their partner is hurting. Of course there are no guarantees, but running from it is not a good answer. You are very wise to view it a step at a time. Good luck.

[Rachel]

You can always change your name later if the one you choose no longer fits. I chose Cynthia at first and when it came time to legally change my name I switched to Rachel ( My boss and HR had a hard time with the second switch, why I have no idea). I have two friends that uses Jo. One is a cop and out and the other a musician and out. 

[Roll]

I think you'll enjoy having a you thread, it is easier to post stuff that you may not otherwise and it helps to get everything, even the little stuff, off your chest!!

But also, a big hug from this direction as well! I hope this year you accomplish everything on your list and so much more!

[Yakayla]

I totally get it that it hard to take these steps. But you just got to push through it. First time I bought make up I was really nervous. Ended up only getting a third of what I wanted. But then the second time I was only a little nervous. Now I could care less. The point I'm getting at is that the first time is always the hardest. And then after that, you're like why was I so nervous to begin with. I was also hiding for 30 years. And now it's just like why? I don't want to force you into doing something you aren't ready for. But it the thing is, you sound ready. But you're holding back, just do it get it over with and see that it is what you needed to do. Be strong! There's nothing wrong with being scared, as long as you don't let it stop you.

[Bari Jo]

Jo i want to epelate under arms next rarther than cream there but the thought of the pain for the 1st time when all the hair is there is horrid!

Ive also been thinking about names alot as male name is too male. Theres a couple i like as can be taken either way and cant see myself with a highly femme name right now. Looking at maybe Jamie or Joanne (but always shorten to Jo). Im leaning towards Jo right now but im not going to decide that just yet

Underarm hair, at least for me wasn't very painful to epilate.  However if you get and ingrown there that is very painful.  I would just shave there or use cream.

As for names, Jamie is great.  One of the prettiest actresses just changed her stage name from James to Jamie.  Yes her father gave her a boys name even though she's cis female.  Jamie King.  As for shortening to Jo, you can have it.  I'll stick with Bari, or Bar:)

Bari Jo

[CarlyMcx]

Hi Jo (Shambles) I'm Carly! 

In the fall of 2014 I was where you are now.  It took me six months of trying to fully come out to my wife, nine more months of cross dressing at home before I went in for therapy, and I started hormones (finally, big exhale) in June, 2016, at the age of 53.

This is a marathon, not a sprint, so feel free to take your time and stop to smell the flowers along the way.

I started out by buying stuff online, panties, nail polish, wigs, lipstick, and eventually skinny jeans and other clothing.  But nothing beats being able to see and try stuff in the store.

I don't know where you live, but everywhere I've been the SA's have been friendly and understanding.  And some have been excited to meet me.  To a lot of them, seeing one of us is like spotting a unicorn.

If you are shopping for makeup, go to Ulta, Sephora or MAC.  They are all known to be trans friendly companies.

And don't worry about your hair or your size.  Here's an article about a friend — she is a rock star of the trans movement here in Cali.  http://www.wehoville.com/2017/11/06/transgender-vet-will-speak-at-weho-veterans-day-ceremony/.

So just be yourself and rock it.

[Shambles]

You know every time i read any messages like these i want to rely to them all but it tends to be hard when im normally on my phone

To a lot of them, seeing one of us is like spotting a unicorn.

rolf that made me giggle

at the age of 53.

It always amazes me you look at someone's profile pic and you think you have a rough idea of there age then they say something like this, 54 /55 now - wow! i though you was in your mid 20's

And don't worry about your hair or your size.  Here's an article about a friend — she is a rock star of the trans movement here in Cali.  http://www.wehoville.com/2017/11/06/transgender-vet-will-speak-at-weho-veterans-day-ceremony/.

So just be yourself and rock it.

I'll check out that link, im not worried about my height, im 5ft 8 but my weight is my main med - long term issue, im not too bothered about it though - i know i just contradicted myself there but when i look at myself now i dont see me, well expect for the eyes. I know im in there somewhere, and like the dysphoria with my general body i dont see all that fat as me - again im in there somewhere. It's going to go!

  As for shortening to Jo, you can have it.  I'll stick with Bari, or Bar:)

Dont worry i'm not going to nick you name ))

[Shambles]

Ive started to notice how my personality is changing after being out to myself, dont think its just that im out of my zombie man mode ive been in for so long.

At work i had a comment around how i dressed, apparently im a lot smarter now, the phrase was "are you having an existental crissis" of couse i shrugged it off with a smile. The perfume my boss wore today was amizing and wanted to ask her what it was but didnt incase it came accross as weird and out of charecter.

Even with suppressing really girly moments but still letting me be happy in the given situation its like the energy i give off has changed, i feel like a couple of people respond to me as female not male even though im not out to anyone. So bizare. I dont know if this is true or its all in my head but it definatly feels like a change from just my own personallity.

Even sat next to someone i would consider a good friend, shes in her teens and im in my 30s. I know nothing will ever happen betwen us but for these few hours it was like two teenage girls having a laugh as they worked. Im sure to anyone else it might have looked like flirting but was a fun few hours.

For a long time when i wasnt out to myself i always had a thoughts that someting might be seriously wrong with my mind, something like weird sexual deviance that was never acted on, some kind of freak with secrects i cant share with everyone. I realise now that isnt the case and if i live an average time im not even 1/2 way though it and theres still time to make some gender changes.

Im happy tonight, today has been good for quite a few reasons.

For the people who didnt come out to themselves until there 30s or later did you ever experaince the part above about how people "seam" to view you when only out to yourself and not the respective people?

[HappyMoni]

Jo,
   I am not sure if this was the same as what you are saying, but when I came out to my best friend from high school he said that it all made sense  now. He sensed something in my personality and it fit well with my news. He was not shocked  although he wasn't expecting it. Early on I was always called sensitive. Well, it was a criticism, like I should not be that way. Multiple  people have told me that that aspect of my personality, seen now, is a better fit. A stereotype of a sensitive woman thing, I guess! I look back and know I desperately tried not to let the cat out of the bag.
Moni

[Cassi]

Your comment about being labeled "Sensitive" struck a chord with me.  Over the years I had also had been told that.

[Shambles]

If i had to sum up how i feel in a nutshell i would be-

A warm, sentitive  glow that radiates pure empathy.

Somtimes i feel like an alien on startrek that only has selfless thughouts, you no the ones where another race takes advantage of them and the captain need to step in

[Cassi]

Aye Captain!  We've given Shambles all that she can take and the thughouts are depleting the dilythemin crystals.

Beam her aboard Scottie!

[jessica95]

Need a single place to collect my thoughts rather than posting lots of different topics.. Not expecting anyone to actualy read this btw 

I wanted to go and get either some nail varnish or lipstick yesterday (Bering in mind that i have not got anything like this atm) its a sunday so shop tills dont open until 10 but shops will open up at 930 to get your stuff, got a few other things and walked towards the lady stuff.... walked past..... down again.... walked past.... whats the deal! im now laughing to myself in the shop down another isle. its pritty messed up when something stops you doing something, wasnt anyone i knew in there although people round here have a tendency to pop up at no notice but could feel other females eyes on me even though they blatantly wasn't. A guy walked past me ans smiled when i was walking the other way, was a guy to guy 'alright' kinda greeting but could imagine it like he was smiling to the real me. Anyway grabbed some cotton wool pad things and got the hell out of there.

New years eve last night and i was thinking i need to come out to my wife, perfect opportunity, bit of booze and she was't in a mood. Thought well its now or never..... i took the never option, put me on a downer at 1130 when i realised i havent got the balls to talk about it.

Now labels, sometimes i hate these others im interested to how's best to describe myself, i mean how do you tell a cis person, what words to use. Am i a trans-woman or maybe trans-femme? I cant trust my brain as it has kept this a secret from me for 35 years so need to rely on thoughts and facts now. I mean i know im on the girl side of the spectrum but where? in the middle of that or right at the end? could i be happy as trans-femme and transition in some way? or as trans-femme and not transition at all? or is it trans-woman and its all the way baby! All i know is that i dont want to me a freak in society, theres the best intention to find yourself and be true to you but at the end of the day there's this big big urge to just fit in. the only way i could rock up as a girl would either be in a wig or a propperly shaved head.... i mean shaved right off to hide male pattern baldness

Moods, do get mood swings, partly to do with meds im on partly to do with general situations at home, work and well this whole situation. The lows, well im not suicidal i can say that, i couldnt do that to myself but when the lows hit i do think sometimes i might be easier if i just have a heart attack right there or something lol. im not worried about these lows, i can recognise them when they hit and know it'll pass.

Weight, 20st 8 at worst or 288 lbs, lost 2 stone(28lb) before xmas but put around 9 back on so its back loosing wieght for 2018... that kinda rhymes!. Goal is to loose 8 stone or 112 lb, i know thats my biggest bug bear atm and would make alot of things better for me.

Hair OMG hair, its becoming a bit obsessive atm, using a combination of epilator, cream and tweezers. epilator on legs is fantastic, but chest - god dam! so so many ingrowing hairs and skin looks repulsive now, it'll heal but with me more slowly than you due to my immune system. i do feel better now most of my body hair is now gone though but find myself looking towards my eyebrows and how they look to masculine but i know i cant touch them atm or they'll be some fallout and ill be wanting to go freeze myself in vault 111

anyway its a new year, and more than ever a new me. Im not going to call these resolutions as you and i know they dont work. These are my goals in 2018, this is what i know i need to achieve for my own sanity

1) come out to wife
2) come out to others
3) loose that 111lbs, or atleast whats safe in 12 months
4) develop my business more and leave my current job
5) try experimenting with make up / clothes
6) figure out what i am
7) get into a hair routine and dont be obsessive every day
8 ) let me be me

I was trying to make it to 10 but 8 is good

Congratulations if you actually read all that or to be fair even if you skipped after awhile to the end . Im not expecting any relies to my rambles, not looking for anything advise but feel free to share as im always open but just wanted to alteast form a framework to go foward

Dont give up and keep pushing forward, and please come out to everyone about you being a woman.

[Bari Jo]

For the people who didnt come out to themselves until there 30s or later did you ever experaince the part above about how people "seam" to view you when only out to yourself and not the respective people?

If I understand this question.  I've had many coworkers seem to notice me only once I was at peace with myself and am transitioning.  I've also had the experience where I sat with the cute girls at work and felt comfortable.  On the other hand there is one guy at work that has reacted negatively to me.  I'm not out at work, and I only notice this stuff now.  Maybe he has always been reacting this way to me, but he definitely tries to not be around me.

Yes, you comment of thinking there was something wrong with you, I had that for decades.  It's a lot of weight lifted accepting yourself

Bari Jo