One year ago today I finally figured out I'm transgender: nonbinary: bi-gender AFAB. The most amazing thing is that once I figured out I'm not cis, it took me all of an hour to figure out *exactly* where I fit in the transgender spectrum. I am both female and male. Even though I was 47, there was no adjustment for me, no upset or doubt. It was immediately liberating, a relief to finally have an answer to why I'd felt so out of place from childhood. My identity settled into my bones easily. Perhaps because I never knew it was there to hide it. I've just gone with it, never knowing what it was. When I started coming out to family and friends, a common response was "yeah, that makes sense" or "I didn't have a name for it, but I knew it." Sometimes I think I was the last to know.
Over the last year that led me to explore exactly what I wanted to do with this knowledge. Did I want to make any kind of transition? Presentation (clothes, hair, etc)? Hormonal? Medical/surgical? I experimented a bit. I tried testosterone, and it was right, until it wasn't. I bought some men's clothes. Got my hair cut short.
For a while I was kinda stuck in the middle, situationally one or the other for short periods of time, but usually both, not really a mix in the middle like an androgyne person, but able to see/feel/be both sides more or less equally. Then I went on the strongest masc swing of my life. I felt like I was a transguy, completely. I couldn't see the girl in me at all, except for my continued love of all things girly and sparkly. I loved my testosterone, and began to consider a full physical transition. It lasted several months. Then I went on the first *totally girl* swing of my life. It was my dearest wish from the time I hit puberty to really FEEL like a girl. I would much rather be cis female than any other option. And I loved it. I quit testosterone and went *full girly* and it felt as amazing as I imagined it would. I'm still on that swing. At the moment I feel like I'm cis female, but I know my guy side will eventually come back. I still haven't decided what to do about hormones. I don't want to go back and forth with my gender swings; that can't be healthy.
I've also figured out that while my guy side is a guy, and wants to *be* a guy socially in non physical appearance ways, for the most part, I don't want to look like a guy. I like my outer girly appearance (perhaps my guy side is okay with it because I'm not particularly naturally feminine in build - a rather masculine, tall woman) and love girly clothes and sparkly things. But I also get an odd dual pleasure out of wearing all guy clothes - and making them look totally femme.
So, one year in and I am amazed to be able to say I've pretty much figured out who I am and what I want. And that I'm mostly already there.
