Cassandra's Tale - The Making of a Brave New Girl

[Anne Blake]

Yes Kathy but they still taste good when the real thing is not available.

Cassie, I love hearing your story. So many of us can tell the same tale with different words and players but reliving the feelings brings both tears and strength to each of us. But enough with the cliff hangers...please! I was never any good at eating a chocolate treat one nibble at a time.

Tia Anne

[SassyCassie]

Cassie, I love hearing your story. So many of us can tell the same tale with different words and players but reliving the feelings brings both tears and strength to each of us. But enough with the cliff hangers...please! I was never any good at eating a chocolate treat one nibble at a time.

I didn't want to just unleash a deluge of stuff upon the forum. It's so active here and there's so much to read! Besides, once I catch up with real-time, the journal entries won't be coming quite as frequently. Early on, I was writing in it a lot, mainly as an outlet because I had absolutely no one I could talk to about any of that stuff. As I came out to more and more of my friends, I at least had someone to share these things with. Still, to this day I keep writing the more significant stuff in my journal.

Should I finish each one in a dramatic 1930's radio announcer voice? Maybe I should say something like, "Tune in tomorrow for the next thrilling episode of 'Cassandra's Tale', brought to you by our friends at Ajax!"

On a more serious note though, what you mentioned reminds me of a notion I had the first time I had actually interacted with any trans folks. It was at the first T-Network gathering I went to last year - the same group through which Steph and I met. I realized that even though we were all at different stages of our journeys and came from myriad backgrounds, we all hit many of the same waypoints - crossdressing, wardrobe purges, overcompensating, etc.

I won't keep you in suspense for too much longer. 😉 Stay tuned for the next episode this evening!

[SassyCassie]

December 25, 2016
Still trying to hold it together for another few days. It's not easy.

I just had another breakdown. It's been simmering since yesterday and finally, the dam broke just a few minutes ago.

December 26, 2016
The first step.

Well, I did it. We had "The Talk" tonight. I was fumbling for a bit and probably oversimplified some things, but it turned out to not be the disaster I was so terrified of. I bawled my eyes out at a few points early on but we were communicating at least. She took it better than I expected but then again, this is just a first step.

I feel better now. The prospect of this talk has been weighing on me for some time now.

December 28, 2016 - 12:06am
I sent a request for information to {Local therapist}'s office this afternoon. No reply as yet but they might still be off for the holidays.

The next batch arrived from {REDACTED} today. My last {REDACTED} ran out yesterday afternoon, but I started on the {REDACTED}'s today. Only a day's delay shouldn't be much of a shock, if any. I can't help but still debate the wisdom of continuing this way, but I don't want to give up yet.

[SassyCassie]

December 28, 2016 - 11:28pm
I guess I spoke too soon.

She blew up on me tonight, all platitudes of understanding gone right out the window. She brought up several instances in which I made some rather impulsive choices - one of which was buying the property up north. She said she was so pissed at me for buying it but didn't say anything because it was my money I spent.

She also asked me if I had even thought about asking if it mattered what she thought about this decision I was making. I froze, and my non-answer was taken for just the answer she seemed to have been expecting. The response was, "That's what I thought."

She went into how she feels like the rug got pulled out from under her and how all of the plans for our future have suddenly been thrown away. It's as though we were retiring next week or something like that.

What also came up was what she gave up to be with me, primarily the whole having kids thing, and that I had made it clear that I didn't want any kids and she learned to live with that. I didn't want any kids because I was afraid what my temper might drive me to do to them. I don't want to perpetuate a cycle of the same type of upbringing I had. The words had the desired effect in making me feel like such a {EXPLETIVE} after all of what she sacrificed out of love for me. Everyone in her family has lots of kids and in some cases, grandkids, so I can see the kind of pressure that might be bearing on her.

I suggested that we could still have a life together if I did decide to go through with the transition, but that was met with the brick wall of her family never being able to accept us as a couple that way. That and she "wanted a husband, not a wife". That struck a chord with me and after some pondering, I have to wonder if she's even in love with *me* or just what I represent - stability, normality, a future together that could be depicted on any of a number of TV commercials peddling some kind of IRA or investment portfolio.

In the end, she basically threw down the gauntlet and issued an ultimatum that I had to choose between "us" or me and that there were no other options. This backed me into a corner and brought not an insignificant amount of pressure to bear.

[Anne Blake]

Wow Cassie, tough times! So many times the stories on Susan's come out real time and we can offer support and compassion, with your writings being just over a year old it is sad reading. Your name of SassyCassie and the happiness in your photo and online comments suggests that you have made it through these struggles stronger than ever. At the point of writing, Dec of '16, did you have any support to turn to? It sure makes me want to hug you now! I am just so glad that you are growing through this all.

Tia Anne

[Jayne01]

Hi Cassie, I'm Jayne. It's a pleasure to meet you. I have just caught up on your thread. Seriously, have you been stalking me? About 90% of what I've read of your story so far could be about me. You also have a talent with words. Much of what you have said is exactly how I have felt put into the perfect choice of words.

Oh, and don't be fooled by Kathy's claim to being normal. It's something she tries to pass off to others, but we know better. She is just as nutty as the rest of us! [emoji12]

Jayne

[SassyCassie]

Wow Cassie, tough times! So many times the stories on Susan's come out real time and we can offer support and compassion, with your writings being just over a year old it is sad reading. Your name of SassyCassie and the happiness in your photo and online comments suggests that you have made it through these struggles stronger than ever. At the point of writing, Dec of '16, did you have any support to turn to? It sure makes me want to hug you now! I am just so glad that you are growing through this all.

It was a sad time, to be sure. The night I came out to her, I told her in a voice racked with sobs that I had held off on telling her for the past week because I didn't want to ruin the holiday and I was afraid it would be our last Christmas together. At the time I wrote that, I hadn't come out to anyone else, not even my closest friends, so I really had no one to talk to about this. When I tried to talk more to my wife about it and share some of the books I had read, she wouldn't hear of it. I wasn't even seeing a therapist yet either, so really the only outlet I had was my journal. What a help it was back then too!

Thank you for the offered hug! I never turn those down! I'm still going through my own ups and downs as you can imagine, so I'll have plenty to share in the days to come.

That picture has a story to it as well, but that will be for a future post during which I talk about the weather.  😉

[SassyCassie]

Hi Cassie, I'm Jayne. It's a pleasure to meet you. I have just caught up on your thread. Seriously, have you been stalking me? About 90% of what I've read of your story so far could be about me. You also have a talent with words. Much of what you have said is exactly how I have felt put into the perfect choice of words.

Hello Jayne, nice to meet you as well. Thank you for taking the time to read my story so far, amid the volume of other material on this forum! Sadly, this part of the story does seem to be all-too-common for folks such as we. I can't help but be a tiny bit jealous of people whose relationships not only survive but thrive after one partner transitions to their true self. That singular, pivotal event though, when she laid into me and gave it to me with both barrels, highlighted a lot of other things that were wrong with our relationship yet had gone unaddressed for a number of years. We're still friends, however we're still legally married and yesterday was our 6 year anniversary. It was celebrated with mutual silence.

Oh, and don't be fooled by Kathy's claim to being normal. It's something she tries to pass off to others, but we know better. She is just as nutty as the rest of us! [emoji12]

I can probably fit in here without too much effort, then. On Facebook, once or twice a month, I post thoughts under the heading of  "Musings of a Perfectly Sane Cat Lady". 😀

[SassyCassie]

December 29, 2016
It's on the calendar.

No reply from {Local therapist}'s office, so I contacted {Second Local Therapist}, who got back to me quickly via text. I have an appointment set up to see him on Friday, the 6th. I'll be paying out-of-pocket with my FSA card, but that might not be a bad thing on account that it keeps this off the books with the insurance company.


January 3, 2017
It's been really hard to concentrate on work today.

This thing is consuming so much of my thought process, I'm barely able to function right now. Hopefully getting some of it out here will help.

I'm so worried at this point as to what the future may hold. Is it a peaceful paradise, filled with bunnies and chirping birds? Is it a barren wasteland of regret, filled with missed opportunities and choices that should have been made long ago?

All I see right now is a yawning chasm of uncertainty looming ahead. Maybe I need to try harder on what I can do right now and that is to use work as a distraction.


January 5, 2017
Another rough day.

Had another day with difficulty in concentration. I guess these are mood swings brought on by the estrogen. I'm sitting on the porch with my cat and got to thinking about how anyone could just kick out such a good little friend like him. Started crying again and thinking how cruel people can be and at the same time how lucky I am to have had such an awesome friend just show up on my doorstep those few years ago. Here I go again. 😭

I had another cat who was my little buddy for about 10 years. He was with me through some pretty hard times. Unfortunately, he suffered liver failure at the end of those years. I still miss him terribly. Maybe we're sent companions like these when we hit our rough patches in life, when we really need them.

My first therapy appointment is tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it with equal measures of hope and dread, though I know most of that is just fear of the unknown.

[Jayne01]

OMG Cassie, with every diary entry you have posted, it reminds me of myself. The exact same thought process, even to the point of me paying for my therapist out of pocket to keep it off the books. Wondering what the future holds, the fear, wondering what could have been, distracting myself. It is probably a story that most of us have experienced in our own ways.

I am sorry you have had to experience these difficult times. Nobody should ever have to go through that. At the same time, I am reading this thread with great interest. You have a great talent with words. If you remove the reference to cats, you could rename this thread to "Jayne's Tale - The Making of a Brave New Girl".

I won't keep posting how much I can relate to your story, but I am sure I will feel that way with each new post you make.

Jayne

[Laurie]

 Cassie you have me spellbound waiting to read more.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[SassyCassie]

January 6, 2017
Had my first appointment with the counselor today.

In spite of my initial trepidation, it went very well. I felt comfortable opening up to him almost immediately.

At first, I said I didn't know how this was supposed to work. He told me to think of it as a job interview and that I'm interviewing him as a prelude to hiring him as my therapist. With that, we got started with a little question and answer session then we got into more detail about my past.

After conversing about various things, touching upon my decision to use the desire for transition at the very least as motivation to exercise more and eat less and lose weight in the process. I figured if my conclusions were off-base and there was something else deep down that was the actual issue, I'd still be in better physical health. That's never a bad thing, especially after letting myself go for so many years.

It turns out that my feelings were pretty much confirmed regarding my being transgendered. I don't know whether it's something I knew deep down inside but refused to accept until recently or maybe I was just  unable to see it. I find myself wishing I had figured all of this out 20 years ago but then again, I would probably not have had all the moments of pain and joy I experienced during that time. If, as they say, our experiences shape who we are, I would be an entirely different person now, gender notwithstanding.

In the end, I had already decided that this therapist could help me and we agreed to set up regular sessions.

As an aside, he asked what medication I was on a and the only one I mentioned was the lisinopril. I didn't mention the {REDACTED} or the {REDACTED} patches, though I should bring that up next time.

[SassyCassie]

January 7, 2017
I've been getting a bit more bold with the makeup.

The week before last, I had a zit show up on my chin, probably due to hormonal changes. Maybe that means my skin chemistry is starting to shift? If so, that would mean it's not by far the last zit that will be making an appearance.

Anyway, to cover it up or at least subdue it's glaring redness, I used a little bit of that foundation I bought a while back. I just used a tiny amount and blended it in until the skin was a nice and even tone. I liked the result at that point, as opposed to the previous times I used that foundation and apparently used too much. I realized the old principle of less-is-more and kept that in mind on subsequent mornings where I used foundation to cover more and more of my face. Friday, I used the pink-tinted primer on my facial hair areas (the Homer Simpson muzzle, in other words) and blended out the foundation over it to cover everything below my eyes. I think it turned out pretty well and gave me a nice even skin tone. I thought it then looked odd with so little color in my cheeks but I'm not ready to go to work with foundation *and* blush on. The guys may not notice but the women at work certainly will.

This morning, I did my entire face with foundation  (still no blush) and my favorite neutral lipstick. I think I'm getting better at this stuff. 😙

January 8, 2017
It's all about security.

Something occurred to me just now.

Maybe my having gotten into the information security field is because keeping things hidden has become such a way of life for me. At this point, it's become second nature - more akin to breathing than something that requires conscious effort.

Now, I get paid to help others keep things hidden. 

January 8, 2017
Watched the first episode of Emerald City tonight.

Very good show so far.

There was a bit of a twist toward the very end where the boy, "Tip" is rescued from the Apothecary and escapes into the woods with his friend Jack and a small supply of the medicine being given to him. The scene begins with Jack looking for Tip and he spies someone wearing Tip's jacket. He gives chase and after cornering the supposed jacket thief, he sees that Tip has turned into a girl.

My first thought at that revelation was, "Oh, crap."  I wonder what my wife is going to make of that - if she's going to make the connection between that and my situation.

[SassyCassie]

January 12, 2017 - 1:17am
Teetering on the edge.

It's late so I need to be brief but I wanted to get this out.

I wonder if the estrogen I've been taking serves the purpose of being that final push I needed into acceptance of who I really am. Given the potential risks of monkeying with body chemistry, I'd say it was more of a shove. Maybe a subconscious desire to show the controlling side of me just what potential I'm keeping locked away.

January 12, 2017 - 11:59am
Self-use of pronouns...

It just occurred to me this morning that I've never really felt comfortable in referring to myself as a guy. No, "if you need anything, I'm your guy" or "back when I was a little boy..."

It also grated on me when someone addressed me as, "young man", though that was generally in a school setting and most often preceded something said in a condescending manner.

I remember the awkward feeling having never fully gone away when people started to address me as "sir" either.

January 12, 2017 - 10:11pm
Mistaken identity or not?

Tonight when we were having dinner at Tijuana Flats, one of the servers came to our table and asked, "Are you ladies still doing okay or do you need some refills?" She was standing off to my left and could only have seen my face in profile. I was delighted to be addressed that way, but didn't want to turn toward her and elicit the usual apology for calling us both ladies, but I felt like I was being rude as hell.

Earlier that day, I wanted to tell the cashier that she had pretty eye makeup. She seemed to be having a crappy day, and it may have helped but I was afraid it might come off as creepy. I'm kind of sorry I kept quiet but you never know.

[SassyCassie]

Cassie you have me spellbound waiting to read more.

Sorry about the delay in posting - it's been a busy day today, partially in preparation for what is sure to be a busy and emotionally draining weekend. I posted several more, just in case I'm too wiped out to post any more over the weekend.

[SassyCassie]

Jan 17 2017, 03.48pm
Second appointment today.

I'm just going to go for full disclosure this time so there won't be any issues or misunderstandings going forward. I came here for help and I shouldn't hold back anything that may be crucial to progressing down my chosen path.


Jan 20 2017, 10.33pm
My wife and I had another discussion tonight after going out with some of my coworkers.

The highlight of this one was a question that was asked:

When she asked me if I had fun tonight, I said, "Yes".

When she asked me if I would have "had more fun in tits and a dress" I said, "It would have been about the same."

She shot back, "Then why do you want to change?"

"This isn't about having fun," I replied.

I couldn't help but feel put off by her effort to compress all of my motivations into a simple, neatly wrapped box. I decided to start winding down the conversation at that point.


Jan 15 2017, 11.04pm
Anniversary dinner at the Cloak and Blaster.

We went and had dinner at the Cloak and Blaster tonight for our anniversary. I have to say, it was refreshing to be among Nerds and Weirdos again. It's been such a long, long time. I forgot what it was like.

[SassyCassie]

Jan 21 2017, 07.45pm
Plumbing with the girls.

Among other things today, I replaced the faucet in our upstairs kitchen. The difference between this job and others in the past is I was totally en femme through the whole thing. I had on what I affectionately call my "hoochie mama shorts" and a pink cami over my 42C fake breasts.

What I learned from this experience is that I should have taken apart the drain pipes from the get-go. I only did this when installing the new faucet - I removed the old one via some contortionist action and more than a little profanity. What I find notable about that is, though I may have been swearing like a sailor, I was never truly enraged over the situation. Ordinarily, I probably would have broken something out of frustration.

For the installation of the new faucet, I did pull out the drain pipes and drop the disposal. That made the job soooo much easier.

I never really lost my cool during the whole job and I'm pretty proud of that. I have a feeling that I can thank the girlie go-go juice for that. 😉

Another observation I made is that I can't fit my upper torso into a sink cabinet with 42C breasts. 😍
Not once did I ever consider taking them off because of that fact - something I'm also proud of.

I really hope this is, in fact, becoming my new "normal".


Jan 22 2017, 08.26pm
Second round.

I applied my last {REDACTED} patch this morning. I think either my body is getting accustomed to it or maybe my testosterone level has come up a bit. I'm not finding myself to be as emotional as I was when I first started the hormone dosage. On the other hand, I haven't really reverted to raging about the little things that happen from day to day.

I seem to be a bit more concerned about how others are feeling, though I have been hesitant to act on such feelings in some instances. Maybe it's just as well. I can ease people into interacting with a more empathetic version of me instead of making it a sudden, jarring shock.

I do seem to be having more 'up' days than 'down' days. I suppose I might be getting used to the notion of being not only transgender but actually a trans-woman. The stories I've been reading of others who have transitioned have been a wonderful inspiration to me and makes me believe more every day that I'm on the right track.


Jan 26 2017, 07.57pm
Went to the T-Network gathering at Mellow Mushroom last night. I was a bit nervous about going and had made an alternate plan in case I had to bail or lost the nerve. It turned out that I didn't have to resort to that. I was off to a slow start, and I had had another newbie to the group practically talk my ear off right in the door, but she had a lot to share after having transitioned back in the 80's. We exchanged Facebook info and I grabbed a seat at the only available table way in the back.

I sat there, cognizant of the rapidly dwindling level of amber liquid in my glass, and watching the wait staff studiously ignoring me, undoubtedly under the assumption that I must be someone else else's problem. After enduring their disregard for the third or fourth pass, I asked the people at the next table to grab their server, spin him around, and send him in my direction, since I felt like I was blending into the furniture.

I had almost given up on the evening when a couple more new people showed up and came back to the only table with empty seats - mine. We started off chatting and a few others joined in. Conversations flowed as well as the aforementioned amber liquid did once I had recovered from my apparent status as persona non grata. The folks I talked to were very warm and friendly with lots of stories to tell and plenty of words of encouragement for the future.

Two big takeaways from the event i had were a feeling of elation at the prospect that I might actually be some kind of normal. That and just seeing how unknowingly and without any kind of road map to guide us, so many of us have trod almost identical paths through life, albeit at different times.

[SassyCassie]

Jan 27 2017, 07.44pm
Leading the charge? Seriously?

I'm backdating this entry a bit since I've only now taken the time to think about this concept. I told my therapist that I had reviewed the employee policy manual at work and found very little in it with regard to gender...stuff. I told him that all I could find was mention of protection against discrimination based on sexual preference but nothing even remotely to do with gender expression or identity. I also noted that the last revision was back in 2009.

He suggested that I may have to lead the proverbial charge as far as my employer is concerned. Me? A leader? Seriously? About the only charges I've led involve deciding where to go for lunch, and that's already like trying to herd cats without the benefit of a can of tuna.

Still, if I am going to have to set precedents here and make sure they live up to all their talk of "diversity" and "inclusion", and all the other Human Resources buzzwords they so freely throw around, then I've got a hell of a lot to learn in a short amount of time. I'm going to have to become a fixture at all of the local transgender professional group presentations and mixers and networking events and such.

This is the same thing I should have been doing with similar events in my chosen profession but never really gave a {EXPLETIVE} about. Now I'm suddenly caring about forcing myself to get out there and participate in these kinds of things and am maybe even a bit enthusiastic about doing so to boot! What a frightening {EXPLETIVE}ing thought!

I guess all I need is the right motivation to get in there and make {EXPLETIVE} happen.

I'm scared and apprehensive but i know I'm still going to get in there and do it because this is my future. If I'm going to have to be a representative of the transgender community to my workplace then I'm going to be a {EXPLETIVE} good one!


Jan 29 2017, 08.50pm
We went to Universal today to cash in some more value of our annual passes.

I went kind of dressed with lips, eyes, and hair done. Not overtly feminine but definitely giving subtle hints. As I was trying to find the exit from the Harry Potter flying bench ride, I got 'sirred' multiple times by a surly-seeming female park staffer. It annoyed me then and continued to do so for the rest of the evening. It shouldn't have but the fact remains...

There must be something to this thing Abby West refers to as "passing privilege" and, sadly, I ain't got it.

I know that Rome wasn't built in a day, as the saying goes, and neither will be Cassandra. She will be born through the fires of doubt and adversity.


Feb 04 2017, 04.35pm
Hair appointment today.
I went and got my hair done today. Just a cut and color but my roots are hidden away again and my purple highlights are back, baby!

As a bonus, I also had my stylist wax my eyebrows into a nice tapered arch - much more toward the feminine side than I had done previously. I'm really happy with the way they look now! About the only thing missing for me to have the whole pampered lady treatment today would have been to go get my nails done too. Another milestone for another day, I suppose.

While I was in there, waiting for the dye to set in my hair, a woman came in and sat down in the chair next to me. She had a little girl with her whom I assumed was her daughter. They were both getting their hair done that day. When that little girl walked over to the sit-down hair dryers with her mother, I couldn't help but notice the joy on her mother's face and in her eyes at sharing such a mother-daughter bonding moment during this very female rite of passage - a rite of passage which I never had. I couldn't help but give a little smile of happiness for them but at the same time my eyes misted up a bit - granted, not as much as they are right now, writing this.

Speaking of rites of passage, I can see that, as a trans-woman, it could be seen as a rite of passage in not only having a hairdresser, but also subsequently coming out to them when the time is right. I had wanted to spill the whole story to mine, but I really couldn't find what felt like the right moment. Maybe at a later date when I ask her for a much more feminine hairstyle - one which will help camouflage my rather high, masculine hairline. I've got to face it, I don't really have a forehead, I've got more of a five-head going on right now. Hopefully the {REDACTED}will help with that somewhat.


Feb 05 2017, 08.20pm
More on coming out.
Last night in a text conversation, I told my wife that I had had a long chat with a couple who were longtime friends of mine. I'll refer to them as "I" and "S". Of course she asked what it was about. I said that I told them about me being transgender. She went into complete dead silence until an hour later when I got to Target.

I can't help but wonder what that silence was about. Her demeanor today gave me a clue though. I guess it's okay for her to tell "D" (A mutual friend) but not okay for me to tell my friends? Now I kind of wonder what exactly she told "D" about me. I wonder if she's upset that I've made it clear that this genie is not just going to be stuffed back into the bottle. Maybe she told her that this is some little quirk I'm having to work through or some other similarly ignorant claptrap.

Then again maybe I'm being overly sensitive?

[SassyCassie]

Feb 04 2017, 08.30pm
More tearing off of band-aids.
The long-anticipated and much-rehearsed coming out talk with "I" and "S" finally happened tonight.

They were in town to buy a Fire box for their TV and we met for dinner afterward. It went rather well. They were very understanding about the whole thing and very supportive. I think I explained my situation a lot better this time around than when I told Kim. I also told them about some of the conversations my wife and I had and some of the not-so-nice things she had to say like the "tits and a dress" comment. They were as disappointed as I was in hearing some of that stuff.

When we decided to call it a night, we hugged all around and they offered me a place to stay if I need to get out of the house for a while.

I've got to say too that I told them I had been going to work daily with foundation on my face for over a month now. Stacy asked me what foundation I was using because she couldn't even tell that I had any on. That was another affirming moment for me, having another woman ask me about my makeup. I'm still smiling at that.

I don't have a whole lot in the way of friends but the ones I do have are awesome.


Feb 15 2017, 10.01pm
Since we were cooking this morning for the employees' birthday breakfast, I decided to try putting my hair up in a twist with a claw clip holding it in place. Another slight step toward the feminine side and no one batted an eye at it.

That doesn't necessarily mean nobody's talking but you know what? Let them talk. It felt like one of those little affirming moments to me.
Author's note: I don't know how to make an image show up here, and I'm in a bit of a rush this morning. Here's a link to the picture from that morning. I'll fix it later once I figure things out a bit more.
https😕/www.dropbox.com/s/0sr5rtkbihuknry/making_beignets_02152017.jpeg?dl=0



Feb 16 2017, 11.01am
Been feeling sad all morning.

I'm not sure what it is, but I've been on the verge of tears on-and-off since a few minutes after leaving the house thus morning. I saw a dead cat on the side of the road and that may have something to do with it. I keep welling up periodically but still the dam just won't break. I can't focus on anything meaningful or productive and it's frustrating the hell out of me. If I can just slide over that edge into total breakdown, I know I'll feel better but I just can't get there.

It seems like everything is grating on my nerves this morning.

Can't focus
Coffee is lousy
Hair is a perpetual mess

I told myself that maybe I need a day off, but corrected myself with the idea that maybe I just need coffee that doesn't suck.

Feb 18 2017, 10.23am
Author's note: Normally, I censor or modify harsh language in these journal entries but in here, its raw unfiltered state is important to the quote below.
I had to save this just for me. The article itself brought tears to my eyes, but this last paragraph just had me bawling loudly because it spoke to me about hope for the future - Cassandra's future, my future.

"As you get consumed with your life, just know it gets better. It gets beautiful. You have to work for it. I know you are tired, god trust me I do. I know it feels hopeless and like no one understands. I know you can sit in a crowded room and still feel completely alone. You have to keep walking. Thinking about that next step. This can be metaphoric or it can literally mean it takes all of what you are to take the next physical step. You are not alone. You are not helpless. You are a beautiful vivid soul that is waiting to shine to the world. Know that you will find peace and love. You will see the stars in the sky. You will walk proudly and know that you swam through a river of ->-bleeped-<- and came out clean on the other side. (Yes I stole that. Thanks Stephen King)

I believe in you! Stay strong!"

The rest of the article is here: http😕/transgenderuniverse.com/2016/09/21/dear-brothers-and-sisters/

[SassyCassie]

February 21, 2017 - 11:09pm
Tough night tonight. We talked about what the future holds for us.

It hurts to admit it but it's looking more and more like there won't BE an 'us' in the future. I'm already committed to my path and she acknowledges this with sadness. She's also stated that she doesn't want what stands at the what she sees as the end of my journey.

It started this evening when I went upstairs to get comfortable and change out of my work clothes. I came downstairs wearing a nice tunic over a bra with my breast forms in place and jeggings down below. Her whole demeanor changed at that point. She became quiet and withdrawn. After we ate and watched a few things on Hulu, she was ready to go to bed. I could feel her pulling away from me slightly as we hugged and I offered to tuck her into bed as I had on countless occasions before. She took this offer apathetically, but I persisted. When we got into the bedroom, that's when she started crying. I asked what was wrong and got no answer, even though I already knew damned well what was wrong. I had no clue what to do next, so I sat there stroking her hair for a bit while she sniffled quietly.

After a time, she opened up and said that every time she sees me dressed like that, it felt almost like a slap in the face and that it makes her uncomfortable, now both at home and the days I go out and my attire strays too far toward the feminine side.

I asked why this is the case when she had no problem when it was just crossdressing at home. She said that that didn't represent such a drastic lifestyle change as it does now. She's also still hung up on the fear of running into someone she may know from work. I can't help but feel treated like the stereotype of a husband who likes to walk around the house in a dress from time to time but keeps it hidden so as to not be an embarrassment to the family. An embarrassment that can be managed with a dismissive wave of the hand and a platitude of, "Him? Oh, he's harmless. He just does that at home."

She also stated flat out that she's not going to "be my cheerleader through this."

They say that relationships often end when one partner is transitioning, but I had no idea it was going to happen to us, nor just how quickly it seems to be ending.

I really think I should be crying about this right now, but I'm not doing anything other than getting occasionally misty-eyed. Maybe the full impact hasn't hit me yet or maybe my lack of tears is revealing of something subconscious within me.

I don't know. I just don't know.


February 22, 2017 - 8:04pm
Went to the Transgender in the Workplace Roundtable presentation tonight. I met and chatted briefly with Gina Duncan and a few other folks. It was definitely worth the trip. A lot of good perspectives were heard from both on the trans side and the HR side of the room. Yes, the division was pretty obvious to see. 😆

Before the start, there was a lot of talk about the current political climate as it relates to LGBT folks, trans especially. It got me to thinking about the time I spent in Iran and Libya and how things were in those countries. People are tossing around terms like "dictatorship" and "theocracy" in reference to the current regime in power in our country. Based on my personal experience, they have no idea what either of those really looks like when it's actually right there in your face and you can see every wart on it in crisp detail.

I think I need to write my story about it. Sort of a memoir of that particular part of my life. Maybe even post it to Cassandra's FB.

There's so much to tell though. I'm glad I got that little keyboard. 😉


February 24, 2017 - 10:34pm
Mark this on the calendar, boys and girls! Cassandra got her letter today!!

Today started out to be a great day. I finally caught up on sleep, decided to wear my jeans and purple button-down top. I'm now standing at a total of 68 pounds lost. My hair turned out nicer than I expected. I may even have leveled-up my styling brush skill. 😅 I even treated myself to a couple of bangle bracelets from Alex and Ani. I got the Star of Venus (Love, Beauty, Inspiration) and the Phoenix (Magic, Healing, Rebirth). The Phoenix is especially apropos, especially the 'rebirth' part of it. Rebirth out of fire.

Since my therapy appointment was today, I knew I had to quit putting off making the appointment with the doctor and make that call today. I called and explained my situation and that my therapist had recommended that I get set up with the doctor. The lady I talked to told me I needed to bring a letter from my therapist and I told her it shouldn't be a problem as I had a therapy appointment later in the day.

Well, long story short, I got my letter. THE letter. Yes, THAT letter! We sort of rushed through the whole process and the full impact didn't hit me until I got back to the parking lot at work. I pulled out my copy of the letter and re-read it. The thought of what this represents for me and my future was staggering. I started to cry tears of joy and thought that instead of a quick handshake at the end of our session, I owed my therapist a hug...if he's willing to accept one, that is. 🙂

As a part of drafting the letter, I asked if he was going to put in anything about the fact that I've been dosing myself with [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] and he said he'd leave that between me and the doctor when I go for my appointment. I said that I know I'll probably get some grief from the doctor about it, but I'm prepared to take my lumps and move forward. Who knows, maybe the fact that I've been tracking my dosages and blood pressure levels will be something of a mitigating circumstance as well as the knowledge I''ve gathered on each of the drugs and my rather specific reasoning for choosing the ones I did.

Later this evening, I told  my friend, "I" about it as well. He didn't seem to understand what this means for me and I tried to explain a bit but his response was for the most part, positive. I imagine I somewhat caught him off-guard with that but I'm sure we'll talk about it in the future when we have more time.

In conclusion, today started out as a great day, but it ended as an awesome day! I can only hope that the future holds more and more awesome days in store for me.

Author's note: I still keep my copy of that letter in the case with my tablet keyboard and I pull it out and look at it from time to time. It represents such a HUGE turning point in my life, as you can probably imagine.

I also, to this day, still wear both of those bangle bracelets. They are my inspiration during times of doubt, when the dysphoria has sunk its black claws deep into my psyche.