Greetings,
Allow me to clarify one thing before I begin to introduce myself : I made an account here several months ago, if my memory serves me well. However since I didn't feel accepted here, I deleted the account on a whim. From my own perspective, I think it wasn't a good idea at all and this feeling of not being accepted here was undoubtedly something delusional. I created a new account because I thought the time has come to return here. I hope you and I could see it as a new beginning.
Now let's begin my presentation. I am a young trans-woman in her twenties who is struggling with the process of transitioning. After several years of denial and self-loathing in depression I am starting slowly to accept the fact that I am transgender even though it required me a lot of introspection at the cost of my mental health. I've always had this excruciating sense of feeling like an alien within my own skin, and as time goes away, I were thoroughly disgusted by this appearance I couldn't consider as my own. It's as if I were trapped in something estranged to my true nature and it threw me into the depths of despair. Unfortunately I didn't grow up in an unhealthy environment. My father is what you would call the absolute archetype of the misogynistic who despised women and treated them as if they were worthless tools destined to serve me. He's always been someone as ruthless as violent, and the idea of manipulating those who were supposed to be his loved ones didn't bother him the slightest. I guess he would have been more dangerous than ever if he learnt all about my intention of transition. Fortunately I am lucky enough that he's not in my life anymore.
It's a different story with my Mother. Despite being absolutely not violent and ruthless, she's extremely narrow-minded when it comes to dealing with LGBTQ issues. From her own perspective filled with a myriad of lies and prejudices she sees transgender people as degenerates whose existence is a blasphemy. I tried to repress my gender dysphoria as much as possible. But I now it's utterly impossible. Excepting to deny who you are deep down is a delusion. And repressing your true nature is a straight road towards depression and unhappiness. I think I spent too much time of my existence being unhappy because all those years of loneliness, and I want to blossom majestically as I want to be as authentic as possible with my inner self. I've always thought deep inside I wasn't a man and a woman, and going through puberty with a body estranged to who I really was has been something awfully nightmarish as if I were doomed to watch this cage of flesh being twisted bit by bit. I hated my genes. I hated the fact that I couldn't associate my feminine/androgynous mind with that thing supposed to be me. There has always been a huge dissociation between my mind and my body. Even right now I still feel the conflict between the two of them. I am always struggling with things such as depersonalization and derealization. I feel like I am unreal or that the world outside me including its habitants is nothing but a pure product of my tortured mind. My inner world has always felt more real than that we call reality. This ambiguity between those two worlds is something I've always felt deep down me.
What makes me afraid of coming out are mostly practical things. With my dyspraxia and my anxiety issues, it's extremely hard for me to care of material, concrete things since I am only comfortable with abstract things. However I guess if I want to transition I have to deal with them. I've been living like a hermit since many years of my existence, and I am bit disconnected from all of this. I guess immersing myself deeper and deeper in my depression and gender dysphoria really impacted me on an emotional level. I guess if they were at least several things in order for me to cope with dysphoria, I'd feel at least less restless than I usually am.
Thanks for reading me. I will stop here from the time being.
