Transexxual but Not Transgender?!!!

[Coyotesdawn]

So, for first pointers I identify as a bigender woman (FAB), even though I don't really identify anywhere in the nonbinary or manly universe as the term bigender would suggest.  The bigender identity moreso relates to my relation to my sexual identity.

Concerning my gender identity, I've always seen myself as a woman, in both a spiritual and cultural sense.  I am always going to believe that I grew up as a girl, and that it is to the betterment of my existence to continue living as and identifying as a woman.  There is just no other gender identity (man, genderqueer, nonbinary, agender, etc) that explains accurately what is in my heart and what summarizes my disposition.

However, I am well convinced, after 4 years of experiences, that I am at least partly transexxual.  I know I suffer from sex dysphoria, and that the dysphoria can cause pretty debilitating psychiatric and somatic symptoms when it flares up.
I know that I've had multiple phantom experiences of being partly or wholly in the body of an intersex or male individual when I am awake and also in my dreams. 
And furthermore I know that binding, dressing, and packing (packing is like taking a xanax sometimes), can relieve my dysphoria, somatic health problems, and stop the phantom experiences....because I am tricking my volatile mind into thinking it is now properly aligned with my body.
What is also unusual about these TS feelings, from a bigender standpoint, is that they follow an inconsistent and upredictable wax/wane cycle.  Weeks to months can go by when I feel female and perfectly aligned with my body, only to have something happen in a matter of minutes where I am suddenly part-male/intersex in my mind.

This leaves a dilemma for me in terms of how to address these conflicting experiences and facets of my identity.  There is some suggestion, through compensatory measures I have already taken, to consider some level of physical transition to help my ailing physical health and dysphoria. 
On the other hand, I am terrified of HRT and most forms of SRS, as I appreciate my body from the outset and have a typically feminine disposition.  I am also extremely reluctant to consider T because of the fear that it will change my mind, personality, and orientation towards my past, present, and future.  I have no desire to put my brain and nervous system in a state that forces me to question my gender identity.
The third concern is the transient nature of these TS feelings, and what would happen if I made any permanent medical decision.  That is, whether it would affect the frequency of these TS experiences, or whether it would backfire and cause 'reverse' dysphoria' if my mind switches back to female frequently. 
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Anyway, those issues summed up in a nutshell, I geuss what I am looking for right now is to hear stories from anyone else who can relate to my situation (specifically, identify as TS but not transgender).  As far as I know, the nature of my identity is not commonplace in the trans* community, and I have almost never come across a narrative that looks comparible to mine.
I'm pretty eager to find ways to address these issues eventually for myself, and am in general looking at the way other people have navigated through these weird experiences might be a good start to this.

[Gertrude]

I guess labels mean different things to different people. I see transgender as an umbrella term.


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[Roll]

Unfortunately, the terminology is imperfect. That is one of the reasons it needs to be self identification for the most part, and you can identify in whatever way you want.

Speaking strictly from the most common definition though, most people would say what you are describing is transgender in the umbrella term sense, even if you continue to identify as female who wants a male body. It's a very catch all term and isn't entirely literal now. (Crossdressers for instance identify as their birth gender, they simple break gender normative dress and presentation. What you are describing is somewhat similar to that, just to a larger degree in being your actual body and not clothes. Though even then, some crossdressers will take steps to present more feminine in terms of modifying their body, while at the same time still identifying as male.)

[Holis]

Hey Roll,

I am undergoing an experience that is also outside the binary gender concept. But speaking of cultural and social construction of gender, I have a lot of "female" and "male" characteristics. I dress male or androgynous and feel comfortable with my body. I like it when people state that I am "less male" and my friends appreciate me for just being an emotional, respectful human being. Concerning my feelings I am drifting between "male" and "female", but I feel in whole as a stable me. When it comes to body changing surgery, I have a particular experience and point of view. I had a circumcision when I was 12/13 and was not really aware of the impact. There were some complications which left me with a muted feeling and ongoing pain down there. Feel not part of me, but is still there. I know that this changed something in me, but now I can decide to be more reflected about it. Since the surgery changed me (felt passiv, powerless) , I can now use the surgery to change me. Here again I am not bound to be "male" or "female", but I have to feel comfortable with myself.

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[Dani]

One big problem many of us have is the strict gender roles that  our particular culture enforces on us. Who says that women are not to be aggressive or men should not be passive? In a free society we can be what ever we want to be.

If physical transformation is not for you for what ever reason, then that is ok if you can accept it. Many of us are driven to transition as much as possible with variable degrees of success. We must accept the limitations of transition surgery or having any surgery is not a good idea. This is where counselors are more than necessary.

Younger people have used the term gender fluid to describe what they feel, which I do not understand, but it make perfectly good sense to them. To each their own.

[Sharon Anne McC]

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Coyotesdawn:

Starting with definitions, 'transgender' usually is the overall umbrella term while 'transsexual' usually refers to the specific endeavour to transition from one sex to the other.

Your essay indicates your worry about hormones and surgeries.  Your caution is on the right track.

You seem open to accept your self in what you wear to present more readily than additional steps of hormones and / or surgery - that 'permanent medical decision'.

Generally:

     -  surgery is irreversible while hormones are reversible.

     -  the results of T are less reversible than the results of E.

Both hormones and surgeries can affect your mental outlook.

Use your youth to explore.  I, too, considered the possibility of being 'gender fluid' or 'non-binary' until I was ready to proceed with transition, hormones, then surgeries; that was the 1960s and 1970s.  Think through your options with professional guidance to be certain that you are comfortable with your decisions as you progress.


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