Hello,
Well having moved from lurker to poster, I thought I could post an intro.
I am really old. 60. I was 5 or 6 when I first realized that I was a girl, but that my body didn't seem to agree. In the 60s and 70s there were no resources I knew of that could tell me anything about these seemingly strange ideas in my head. IN elementary school I wore as many girl's clothes as I could convince my mother to buy. Mostly shoes and jeans. IN junior high, when the other girls started shaving their legs, so did I. But when the hair under my arms and on my face started to grow, I knew my body was going to betray me. This led to my only suicide attempt, stopped by a friend who didn't even know why.
In High School and college, I tried hard to be "normal." In college, I finally had access to an academic library that showed me Harry Benjamin's books and gave me a name to pin to my difference. I dated women, and married. Had two daughters, and all the time, knowing there was conflict. Interestingly, even now, if I had the chance to go back and do it all differently, because of my daughters, I would not go back. There is no alternative future I want to live in that does not include my daughters.
After marriage, I came out to my wife. Yep. A really crappy way to do things. Although she is far from supportive, she is still married to me, and seems to still love me deeply. I have said for the past 30 years that if she left me, I would totally understand, and probably agree with her.
30 years ago, I started self-medicating, knowing it was a stupid thing to do. At the time, it seemed the only thing to do. 20 years ago I started working with actual doctors for part of my HRT -- the Spiro part -- but continued with my self-medicating. 2 years ago, I decided that I was too old to lie. So, I came totally clean with the PCP and every doctor since. Going with that was the decision to grow my part-time nature. While it is probably not possible to be me completely at work, I have continued to expand the time I am me versus the time I am that other guy who seems to carry me around.
To me, the most amazing change in the trans world is the level of acceptance and openness we have today. I know there is still tons of blatant persecution and much worse. But it is nothing like 40 years ago. I am a homely man, and an ugly woman, who will never pass in western society. But I can go almost anywhere in public without nearly the fear I used to have. Today people barely notice me. Even teen-aged girls in malls barely notice me. It's mind boggling. And the openness even on the Internet is unbelievable. Just this forum. It amazes me. "They" say that only about .6% of the population is trans. If that's true, every single one of the English speaking ones is on Medium or here at Susan's. :-)
Anyway, too long, and too much for an intro. If you made it this far, thanks for your perseverance!
Kate
