When is the right time to come out to your kids?

[jennie.ayana]

I'm in my early 40's and have been on HRT for about 2 1/2 years, but I'm not out publicly -not even my family knows.
I've told my wife and depending on the day of the week she supports me as long as I don't show it, or talk about it or make any indications of my affinity for feminine things.  (And one friend I've known for years)
There's been changes on me that I'm sure someone looking for something would've noticed...long hair, breasts (I try to hide as much as I can in front of others)...but I haven't as much as hinted to dad wanting to be herself.
Lately, -for a few months now, I've this 'thing, feeling eating away..telling me that I should tell them, and shouldn't deceive them anymore. My kids are grown (though they're still my babies) one is almost out of college,  his sister is in 9th grade. The older is gay and is moving out with his boyfriend after college. The little one is gender non-conforming, she's told me that she's no, though she couldn't explain it; and I personally think she's dealing with identify issues, been with the therapist on and off since 6th grade.
I don't know when the right time is. I fear I may cause her more identity issues. I don't know how the older one will react. And to top it off, when I commented it to my wife before starting HRT,  she told me to wait till after she finishes high school for me to do anything publicly, and that if I ever decided to live as a woman,  that would be it for us, And above all else, do not tell the kids the truth till I've decided - if ever, to transition publicly.
What do I Do?
How have any of you handle the coming out part? How did the others take it?

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[LizK]

Hi jennie.ayana

I had a great big long post written to you and of course the page refreshed and I lost it so will try and remember what I had written.

I told my kids when they were 21 and 22 and they were scared, confused, curious and in the end my greatest allies. I simple sat them down one day and told them what was going on. It was a few days later that they questions started and my eldest took a bit more time. They will cope...they most likely just want you to have happiness..as my daughter said "its the same chocolate just in a cuter wrapper"

10 years prior I was wanting to transition and my wife asked me to wait until the kids were older and at the time I figured I reallyu was still unsure so this was the perfect excuse to dive back into the cupboard but with the understanding that it didn't mean never but just not now...however she did purge my wardrobe shortly after this but that is a subject for another time.

2 1/2 years on HRT without being able to explore who you really are and what you like must be very hard to do. My wife is one of the strongest parts of my support network and instead of us drifting further apart my transition had the unexpect side effect of bringing us closer together. I am sure she always thought it would be the end of us but once she realised that a happier and healthier version of me was emerging she also relaxed and began to enjoy our time together more and more. She had her difficulties as would be expected and some days she says it all seems a bit strasnge but these episodes seemed to be getting less frequent with time.  I hope you can see you way to being able to be yourself...

Take care

Liz

[jennie.ayana]

Thank you for your kind words. As I read, I reminisce of past events and the similarity of our experiences. You've given me a fresh perspective, thank you

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[jennie.ayana]

When is it a right time to come up to your kids - UPDATE

So the other night, after comming back from a date night with my wife, and having had a few drinks...she said something that must've upset me about non binary people, (I can't remember, I'm sure it wasn't that important) but my daughter was also visually upset. So I said let's go out for a walk, maybe ice cream....to my surprise she jumped to the opportunity...it was getting late at night...
Anyways, during our walk she opened up to me, we talked for hours it seemed, she told me things I suspected but wasn't sure of...how she wishes she could move away, how much she fears her mom and thinks she's abusive...she cried a lot...i don't think we have ever talked like that, we both opened up...at a certain point...because the  conversation led up to it...she says she doesn't like the person looking back in the mirror....i asked if she would like to see someone else...then she responds with 'how about you, 'would you like to see someone else in the mirror'....(I'm about to cry writing this)
She says, "I tell you, if you tell me and no questions or elaborations..." She tells me she identifies as gender non binary, and for the moment they like girls, that they sometimes feels as a male and sometimes  as a girl, but preffers to dress androgynous....(by this point they're crying)
I walked over and hugged them and told them I loved them...no matter what...that they're still my baby...
Then they asked 'what about you?"
It appears very anticlimactic now thinking back at how distressed I was thinking about this moment; the reveal just came bursting out like water bubbling to the surface...'I'm transgender' I said.
They walked over to me open arms, and hugged me said they lived me and support me all the way....


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