Hi everyone!
I found this little gem of a website while researching transgender issues. I believe I am transsexual. I don't think I choose this condition. I'm actually feeling a little sad but also mixed with being happy too. The sad part is I am processing my life presently, and how I got to where I am today. The happy part is a feeling of relief that I am beginning to accept who I am.
Since this is the introduction I guess a little on how I got to where I am. I'm 38 and I've had this condition all my life. It started out with my mothers jewelry box when I don't know how young. I would have to climb onto a bed to see myself in the mirror, and it was somewhere between kindergarten and grade 2, as we had moved and I was in a new elementary school in grade 3.
Growing up and right until near the end of high school, anything I could get my hands on being clothes or make up. I would try it out and keep it hidden I had to many female things that my parents must of knew thinking back now. But they never said anything. I had a part time job that sometimes involved using paint, when I would clean up I'd even paint my nails for a moment then wash it all off and go back to work lol.
Experimentation went a bit further after high school including sexuality with both boys and girls. Then it all abruptly ended, I developed a strong amnesia, alcoholism, marijuana use and was placed on paxil for depression which I went cold turkey off of after about a year. I nearly killed myself twice while on anti-depressants during that time frame.
The happiness part is it is all behind me and I see a bright future, the sad part is the drug use and amnesia was the result of verbal, physical and sexual abuse as a child. I'll spare and bad details it all ties together on how I found this website today and where I'm headed.
As a result of being also a abused child around the age of 11 I thought the gender dysphoria was a result of child abuse, and I had a over bearing step father, that helped form me into a alpha male. I even went into the military, was nearly a cop, had a business and am successful in construction work and even did some boxing. Anything that was of female desires for myself I suppressed and would double up on in the form of maleness.
I only come to realize now at my age, that the gender dysphoria was always there, and it made me easy prey as a child. Yes I understand it's not my fault you can't blame a kid for those things.
With this recent understanding of my own history, and finding the site and lots of good people and information here. I thought this would be a good first step just to put the truth out there.
Thank you for reading
Ashley
PS. I really like to find others who are like myself who want to be on HRT and like to make the transition.
