Stevi's Saga

[HappyMoni]

Been trying to do what I can to make progress without upsetting things too greatly in my wifes life while we bide our time for our daughter to come around.

I have become serious now about the name and gender marker changes.  I have searched around the internet to find the forms I need.  I have contacted the county clerk of courts to be sure of what I need for the name change.  There is some preliminary stuff I need to do before I can petition for a name change.  I need to get a report from both the FBI and the SBI.  Those two applications need a finger print card submitted along with them.  So that is my Monday morning project.  I will visit either the very local town's police station or the county police station to get my finger prints taken.  That is the bio-metric marker that those agencies use to search their databases for my criminal records.  I am sure they won't find much.  I have never run afoul of the law and I can't recall ever having my prints taken before.  My hope is to have those two applications in the mail by end of business on Monday.

After those two applications are on their way, I'll start on the other forms for the name change.  Most of it is boilerplate but I need two county residents to sign affidavits as to my character.  I am not a gregarious person so I have not made many friends around these parts.  An added complication is that the forms have the matter involved, that is, name change, on the forms.  That complicates things a bit.  It will mean that I may have to out myself to whomever I go to with these forms.  I am not ready to to do that yet, but I may have no choice.  Might have to go to more than two people before I get two who are "willing to participate" in my transition.  Not everyone in this North Carolina town is all that tolerant.  I have some options so i'll have to figure it out.

Stevi

Wow Stevi, it doesn't seem like they make things easy. What's the state motto there? 'We help you even if we have to go kicking and screaming?' Oh, North Carolina, got it. Could you use a therapist as a reference?
Moni

[Stevi]

Donna and Moni,

These affidavits are for the legal name change.  Not the gender marker related stuff.  The signers need to live in the same county as I do.  My neighbors, essentially.  They are attesting as to my character.  Thing is, the form has the reason I am seeking the character reference- a name change.  If they ask why a name change or to what new name I can't very well say it is none of their business, can I?  I won't lie to them.  If what I am doing goes against their grain, I am exposed.  A little scary but I guess I'll get through it.

I have begun attending a UU Fellowship in the nearest large community.  That group is not in my county but there may be a couple of my-county-residents attending that would be willing to help me out after they do get better acquainted with me.  I attended for the first time this past Sunday and found a very accepting group of people that seemed to be eager to get to know me.  I plan on going back again tomorrow.  I have some time to wait for the criminal reports to get back so I'll let that possibility mature a little.

Stevi.

PS Hope no one minds but I am going carry on with this as a sort of log.  So, it may at times look like I am talking to myself.  Don't hesitate to interrupt me, though.
PPS Moni, I just added your name and mine to the spellcheck dictionary so this computer doesn't think so badly of us.

[Stevi]

Our daughter has made contact.  Very promising.

She did dump quite a big load on us.   My revelation triggered an avalanche on her part about her issues from her childhood through the present.  Three very dense pages of words drenched in emotion and pain.  Now, the three of us have to work through a lot of failings, unrealized, (maybe, unrealistic) expectations, secrets and hurts.

There is much to do and the road will be long, rough and tearful, I am sure.

Hope lives,

Stevi

[HappyMoni]

Stevi,
   Glad to hear that she made contact. It sounds like your coming out could potentially benefit her with resolving some of the issues that were lying beneath the surface for her. Hopefully you all can work through this without it getting  real ugly. It does show that you matter to her, even if it shows up as anger to start. I recommend you really  listen to her. If you get defensive and shut her down, it may go badly. Chances  are just her being able to express her thoughts will help.
   When I changed my name I had to publish it in the local paper. They asked why I wanted the name change in the paperwork. It was recommended that the best answer is to write, "Personal Preference." Don't know if that would be enough for a new neighbor or contact, but it might be worth a shot.
Moni

[Stevi]

Moni,

Our daughter's letter has much in it that is accusatory.  I am trying hard to keep in mind that mostly, it stems from a difference in perspective and a lack of understanding of all the circumstances.  I am by nature a sympathetic, empathetic and forgiving person.  I will have no real trouble making the allowances I need to make.  My memory is not good enough to permit me to hold a grudge.  On the other hand, my wife takes things personally and is easily hurt and never forgets an offence or mistake.  That nature has been a problem in my transition (nothing is ever really over and done with but can be put back on the table at any time) and could be a problem with her dealing with this rough patch in her relationship with her daughter.  Sometimes, it is best to forgive, forget and move forward.

I just finished up an email to our daughter.  I tried to stay focused and be conciliatory in tone.  I am avoiding sounding like I am trying to "justify" myself while acknowledging that she has suffered much.  She dumped a lot on us and I cannot begin to address it all and do it well.  I am not sure I can do it well just a small piece at a time.

Your "Personal Preference"  reason has quite some merit. Thank you for that thought.

Have you come down from on top of the frig yet?

Stevi

[Stevi]

My mission for today was to get my finger prints and get the applications for the two criminal reports I need for my Name Change petition.  I ran into a couple of speed bumps.

First one was the local town police no longer take finger prints.  The officer I spoke with told me they no longer have an ink and roll'em station on site.  I have no idea what they do if they have to process someone that has done something particularly offensive. The officer told me that I would need to go into the county's law enforcement office to have them taken there electronically.  I told him I knew where that was located and thanked him for his help.  (I had a backup plan in place.) As I turned to leave, he returned a "You're welcome, Ma'am.

I was not presenting overtly female so it was unexpected.  But, pleasing.  I was in a  pair of jeans, red sweater with a light unzipped jacket.  My hard-to-manage Miss Clairol blondish hair is shoulder length and I had it more up around my face than pulled behind my ears.  Other than a detectable bust if you pay attention and a pair of small jeweled studs in my ears I was not really trying to tip the scale to the feminine side.  While I don't have a particular problem with gendering if I put in a bit of effort, this was encouraging.

After that dead end, I headed into the county office to hit another speed bump.  There, I quickly found out that they do the fingerprinting.  Just not on Mondays.  I need to go in on Tuesdays or Thursdays, 9 to 4.  Before I left I found out that their fee was $5.00 cash for the service.

All  the information about this has talked about using an official FD-285 finger print card.  My brief discussion with the first officer indicated that the fingerprints are now taken electronically and stored somewhere that I can access them.  I have to sort that out tomorrow when I intend to try again.

So, I am, from day one, already behind schedule. 

Stevi

[Stevi]

Had a couple of heating service guys come this afternoon.  I thought the heat pump was not performing as well as it should be.  As they were working on it, I hung around to watch over what they were up to and at the ready to turn things on and off as required.  I was still in my jeans and red sweater from my outing this morning but it was warmer so I had shed the jacket I had on earlier in the day.   I stood right beside them.  Chatted and joked.  Asked for explanations.  Once one of them had to get my attention.  He addressed me as Ma'am.  Later, as they were wrapping things up, I was on my way into the house to get my checkbook and I overheard one of them say to the other, "She went into get a check to pay for it."  Wow! Either these two North Carolina country workin' stiffs have given me a big dose of "Whatever floats your boat." or I am beginning to pull this off.  Either way, I'll take it.

Stevi

[Stevi]

I took care of the finger prints today and got the two requests for review of my criminal records into the mail.

If anyone wishes to know, the fingerprinting was simple.  I stopped by the law enforcement facility in the county seat.  They digitally scanned my prints in a variety of groups and printed them out on their special card stock official form.  So, the online form I hunted down and printed out was not necessary.  I needed two copies and paid $5.00 each for them.

I assembled the request paperwork for the North Carolina SBI (State Bureau of Investigation).  The form is a simple half page request for the information.  It needed to be accompanied with a copy of my prints and a certified check or a money order in the amount of $14.00.  I stopped at the bank on the way home and obtained that.

I had to go back home before heading into the post office because I had made an error in my FBI report request.  There are two ways to get the FBI's report.  One is to directly request it from the FBI.  The other is to use what is called a channeler.  From what I read in my searches, it seems the channeler can get my report more quickly.  The cost is pretty much the same.  The channeler's services cost me $39.95.  They have some faster delivery options that you can pay extra for if you wish them.

After getting my corrections made I stopped by the post office and got the requests on their way.  The process is underway.

While I was out I had to make a stop to pay a bill.  I have been stopping by to pay this particular bill for a number of years and I always take a little time to chat with the two girls in the office when I do.  This time, I had additional business.  I decided I would approach them about the possibility of signing the "affidavits of character" for me.  I was completely open and above board about it all.  First, I asked if they were residents of the county I live in.  Check. I told them up front that I was OK with it if they could not do what I was going to ask them to do. (It is my belief that no one should be expected to violate their conscience, even if I disagree with the rational they use, unless they are doing real harm to someone else.)  I then told them I needed the affidavits as part of my legal name change and that my new name would be Stephanie Rushelle Jones. This was information on the affidavits they would be signing and have notarized.  They both happily agreed.  I left the forms with them.  One of the ladies is a notary and can take care of the form for the other.  But a notary can't notarize for herself so she will take the form to another notary.  I should be able to pick them up after Easter.  It is a relief and turned out to be no big deal.

Stevi,

[HappyMoni]

Stevi,
   Yeah on the workmen gendering correctly. Yeah on getting the character references. For a while there I thought I was gonna have to move there to help you out. I can verify that you are indeed a character. Its funny how the things we  stress over sometimes turn out to be nothing, and the unexpected little things can drive you crazy.
Monica

[Stevi]

Monica,

Are you really still on top of the fridge?  I thought you were out on parole.

Stevi

[Stevi]

In keeping with the idea that this is my log, I feel I need to make an entry here about an email I sent off to my wife's pastor. "My wife's pastor" needs a bit of explanation.  We began attending the local Methodist church when we moved into this area about eight years ago.  Methodism is in my wife's upbringing.  I am not a Methodist but it was a place I could socialize.  Basically good, friendly people.  I attended with her.  With everything going on in our lives we just kinda stopped going.

I am seeing a real need for my wife to get out more so I decided to send an email off to the not-so-new pastor whom we have never met to get a feel for whether we could resume attending.  I revealed to him that I was transgender and asked questions of him about his personal take on my condition, the general conference's position and what the local congregation members might think of my wife returning to the fold with me, as I am, in tow.  The purpose of returning is to find a supporting, loving place.  No way are we looking for condemnation.  Neither are we looking to start a ruckus.

This morning I received a  reply.  It was not preachy as in fire and damnation.  He told me the Methodist General Conference has rule about the roles of homosexuals in the ministry and marriage rites.  There is a conflict going on within the conference about how to handle LGBTQ things going forward.  It is on some agenda to be dealt with next February.  There is little guidance in the rules of the church specifically regarding transgender.

The pastor's own views are that his role is to assist a person in a relationship with God.  Not to be the morality police for individuals or society at large.  He told me some of his grandson's homosexuality and his love for his grandson.  He says he believes all are of spiritual worth.  He believes God is able to bring about what God wants in people's lives.  So it seems he can be welcoming.  Not as sure he will be an staunch ally if things get tough, though.

He could not be as encouraging when it comes to the congregation. To his knowledge, the congregation had not been confronted by the issue of transgender people actually sitting in the church pews.  I cannot encourage my wife to step into a possible meat grinder so I will need more assurance about a warm reception in general.

I sent the pastor a reply with some thoughts in it but told him I would need to think this over and I would get back to him.  I am wondering if he might consider getting to know me a little better.  Maybe, some sermon or study that would prepare the congregation for a new challenge to their imitation of Christ in their lives.   A fear their response when the theoretical becomes the real.

Stevi

[Stevi]

I can't believe just how much I have had to say lately.  Even if I am talking to myself.  I finally see the day coming that I can just be.  I am taking steps that were daunting to even think about a short time ago.

Stevi

[Tommi]

When Christians try to throw "God doesn't make mistakes," My thought is "then he must have made me transgender to help you learn compassion, love,a nd acceptance through diversity."
I have no faith, and it pisss me of when people use theirs to justify hate. I hope this turns out well, for you.
While it is sad that homosexuality is still such an issue, at least he's gendering you correctly

Sent from my VS988 using Tapatalk

[Stevi]

Tommi,

The "God does not make mistakes" declaration is so incredibly shallow.  I am a Christian, although I am a heretic in most of their opinions, and it pisses me off, too.

My effort to find a supportive Christian environment is going to be tricky.  I do not need the Christian environment but I do need to make connections with caring, compassionate people.  It is a shame that we need so hesitant and cautious in engaging with people who pride themselves in their "Christ-like love" for others.

I have also been exploring the Unitarian Universalist option.  Problem is the distance to travel to the nearest fellowship.  Makes it harder to frequently interact with members of that very accepting group.  The Methodist church is only a couple miles away and has more activities readily available to us for our participation.

Stevi

[Stevi]

I hope the moderators aren't put out by this post.  I don't want a lot of discussion about this either.  I just need to record, for myself, and let you all get to know a little better how my mind works.

A big reason I think "God does not make mistakes." is such a shallow mantra is that "God makes us all flawed by design."  When they say, "God does not make mistakes." what they are really saying is that there is something terribly wrong with me and it is my doing, not God's." The mantra does not even begin to correspond to reality. Think about it.  Whom do you know that is perfect in every way?  Many are born with severe physical or mental problems in which they had absolutely not choice.

No, we are all flawed in some fashion and to some degree.  Our flaws serve two purposes.  At least they should.  First, we should be humbled to know we are less than perfect.  We should be less certain that we know all the answers and more willing to consider that we might be mistaken.  Second, if we are aware that we, ourselves, are flawed and in need of sympathy, empathy, compassion, tolerance and help from others from time to time, we should be more able to be sympathetic, empathetic, compassionate, tolerant and helpful toward others when their needs arise.

It is sad, though, that so many, Christian and non-Christian, alike, are not able to learn those lessons.

Stevi

[Michelle_P]

Stevi, I hope someone doesn't try the 'God doesn't make mistakes' line on you.

I've had this pulled on me a few times.  My response is generally based on Matthew, "The Parable of the Talents".

God does not make mistakes.  God does test us, and those around us, through His gifts.  He may grant us gifts to use in our lives, if only we can recognize them. What we do with those gifts matters.

Recall the "Parable of the talents".  A man going on a journey calls his three servants together.  He entrusts 5 talents (a talent is about 80 pounds of silver, roughly 20 years wages at the time.) to one servant he sees as being very able, 2 talents to a capable servant, and one talent to the third servant.  Then, he leaves.  The servant with 5 talents invests them, and makes another 5 talents.  The servant with 2 talents invests them, and earns another 2 talents.  The third servant buries his talent, fearful of risking it.   The man returns after a long period and settles accounts with them.  The first servant returns 10 talents, the original 5 plus the investment gain, and the man praises him, granting him a high position.  The second servant returns 4 talents, the original 2 plus the gain, and the man praises and promotes him as well.  The third servant returns the original talent he buried.  The man decries his wicked and slothful ways, takes the one talent from him and gives it to the servant with the 10 talents.  "For to everyone who has will more be given, and he will have an abundance. But from the one who has not, even what he has will be taken away.  And cast the worthless servant into the outer darkness. In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth."

Now, when I was created, I had a family that was fairly well off, a good home, and I would develop with an intelligent and curious mind, the potential for a good education, as a white male.  I think God looked at this and thought "OK, this one has it pretty easy, and needs a special challenge to fully develop.  I think I'll give this one the soul of a woman and see what they do with that."  God caused my mother and doctor to use a new medication, DES, that made my brain ready to receive a female soul.

Now, having been granted this gift, and realizing what I have, what am I to do with it?  Shall I bury it, hiding it from the light, so at the end of my days I can only return this gift, unused and uninvested?   Or should I bring this gift into the light of day, use it to it's fullest extent, to let it grow and flourish, for the benefit of myself and those around me, so I may return this gift manyfold at the end of my days?

Now, there are those who would have me bury it, suffer in silence, for this gift makes them uncomfortable.  At The End Of Days, they may very well be cast into the outer darkness.  In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.

Thank you, Jesuits! 

Feel free to steal this post!  Now, I've had some minister types 'strain at gnats' with the line of argument, falling back to some of the Old Testament fire and brimstone.  We can always try to remind them that Jesus dis set the old laws aside when he gave us that mandate to love others, treat others as we would ourselves want to be treated.  Probably won't work with someone who  selects Bible versus to back their predetermined mindset, but that's life...

[Susan Baum]

I hope the moderators aren't put out by this post.  I don't want a lot of discussion about this either.  I just need to record, for myself, and let you all get to know a little better how my mind works.

A big reason I think "God does not make mistakes." is such a shallow mantra is that "God makes us all flawed by design."  When they say, "God does not make mistakes." what they are really saying is that there is something terribly wrong with me and it is my doing, not God's." The mantra does not even begin to correspond to reality. Think about it.  Whom do you know that is perfect in every way?  Many are born with severe physical or mental problems in which they had absolutely not choice.

No, we are all flawed in some fashion and to some degree.  Our flaws serve two purposes.  At least they should.  First, we should be humbled to know we are less than perfect.  We should be less certain that we know all the answers and more willing to consider that we might be mistaken.  Second, if we are aware that we, ourselves, are flawed and in need of sympathy, empathy, compassion, tolerance and help from others from time to time, we should be more able to be sympathetic, empathetic, compassionate, tolerant and helpful toward others when their needs arise.

It is sad, though, that so many, Christian and non-Christian, alike, are not able to learn those lessons.

Stevi

Stevi, your eloquence sent my socks across the room.
Those who have walked the paths that we walk have had to face our flaws as perhaps few others have the courage to do. While everyone's story and paths to self may differ widely, we have only arrived at this place after admitting to ourselves that we have to fix what is wrong.

I hope you and your elder daughter can reconnect. I know firsthand how excruciating it can be for them to shed the real or imagined wrongs parents inevitably inflict on their progeny in the name of love; my eldest's dump was an hour-long tirade that culminated with her foot into my rump at the head of a (thankfully short) stairway! No I was not physically hurt and my love for her has never wavered but some of my anguish yet remains when I recall the incident.

Hugs
Susan

[Stevi]

Michelle,

I don't ever intend to engage in trying to rebut such shallow thinkers other than telling them they are idiots and get back to me when they have actually thought through what they just said.

I, as well, have concluded that my condition is for good.  It has caused me great travail in my life but it has, also, brought me to a place of great compassion for all others, even those that would do me harm.  I may even be able to soften some hearts and educate some minds by exposing them to someone who they know, first hand, has been a god person when I finally do go fully public.

I have long since moved beyond the "letter of the law" to the "spirit of the law" as encapsulated in Jesus's two great commandments and powered by an involuntary, inevitable response to grace.  Love received is amplified and spread abroad.  As inevitable as the response of the apple when its stem can no longer resist the strain.

Stevi

[Stevi]

Susan,

Thank you for your expression of appreciation.

We have searched within as few people ever do.  I am aware that some of us make some really bad choices.  Who doesn't at one time or another?  But, it is insulting to me, when others, who haven't got the first clue, presume to let us know just what it is we should do about it all.

Our daughter did make a couple of exchanges of emails but I fear she has shut down again.   She seems to have been content to dump on us but unwilling to do the work of addressing the issues.  I will give her more time to process.  Patience, Stevi, patience.  Tomorrow is my 68th birthday.  I wonder what she will do with that.  Be prepared for a rant the day after tomorrow as I am not terribly hopeful.  You have all been warned.

Stevi

[Susan Baum]

Stevi,
From one 1950 model to another Happy Birthday. and don't let your daughter upset the day. It is your day to celebrate, so do it!  The advantage we have is we are not as apt to be carded when we order an adult beverage 

Susan