My wife and I arrived at our daughter's house before she got home. Per my wife's request (insistence) and my desire to not be overwhelming or confrontational, I was dressed in slacks and a shirt with jeweled snaps instead of buttons. The shirt has a looser fit than a lot of my wardrobe and has conveniently placed pockets that camouflage the, otherwise, notable girls. I had removed the more overtly feminine jewelry in favor of a simple gold chain necklace and bracelet set. The three of us had a pleasant evening talking about all kinds of things. Her work, her revised treatment for her facial inflammation (which seems to be working well), our recent travels, her upcoming cruise, our plans to get to New Jersey for some on-site work and some family visiting, the renovation I am planning to do for her, etc. No mention of the issues that I know need to be addressed. Her issues with my transition and her issues with our "failed" parenting.
I am having a difficult time with determining what to do or say and when to begin to address what I am sure needs to be addressed. My transition needs to keep moving forward. I can see the end and I am getting impatient. Still, I am trying my best to be mindful of my wife's and daughter's needs. Also, I have great apprehensions about screwing it all up by doing it all wrong.
Up thread, a little ways, I related that my wife was reading through the thread. When she finished, she came over to me and was actually smiling. I had written some things that she found reassuring. Her greatest anxieties, I think, revolve around her fear's that I will desert her, not love her any more. Some of the things I said, I think, were reassuring in that regard.
However, after we talked a little bit, she, again, stated that she did not see where I was any happier. I disagree. I know that inside I am happier. I was sure that it was obvious on the outside, as well. But, maybe, not as much I think. Maybe, it is being masked by the worries that accompany each small step that I celebrate. Each step forward is quickly accompanied by a new concern. Coming out to my daughter was followed by this "walking on eggshells" in trying to get past her issues with it. The other day, I completed all I needed to do for my name change but wait for ten days. I was ecstatic. My wife quickly moved on to the next problem. Worry, unnecessary worry, about what that means for our marriage certificate. I remarked that, soon, I would need to notify the bureaucrats and businesses that I had changed my name. A process I was looking forward to tackling while being fully aware that it is no small task to touch all the necessary bases. There will be some cost involved but my wife's take on it was "That will cost us a fortune." I did not get any time to revel in my accomplishment. She did not even take a moment to congratulate me before I was to be overshadowed by her next concern. My worry is not for the various steps of my transition so much as it is for the others around me that are impacted by each step.
I don't know that this entry went the way I thought it would when I started it. Sorry 'bout that. Rant over.
Stevi