Stevi's Saga

[Donna]

Well, today, I dropped by the HR office at my employer.  I felt I should check out policies since at some point, probably sooner than later, they will need to have my new legal  name.  I do most of my work remotely so it will not be often that I will interact in person with any of them.  However, the engineer I work with is also responsible for my payroll entries.  That means he will see a name change on the account for me.  I needed to know if I was ok with the company in general and if my working relationship was in immediate jeprody.  I am safe for the present.  It is possible that my work with the engineer will not be renewed if he has a problem with me.  All he has to do is call someone else next time he needs someone to do the things I do for him.  I don't really think there will be a problem, but you never know.  I think I will need to have talk with him by Thursday afternoon.  The HR  person offered to sit in when I choose to tell him.

My disclosure to HR was amazingly relaxed and we'll received.  Her greatest concern was if I was happy.

Stevi

Great news about work. Hopefully the engineer will be cool with the new you. My wife was so concerned about me coming out at work but it was really no big deal and everyone has fully accepted it. I know my job and they know that, they know it makes no difference to
them how I look or what I call myself as long as the job is done. My contract was renewed for another two year term and I won bids on several new big jobs. None of my other clients has had any concerns. I've kept the same company name for simplicity and just added Donna as the point of contact. I guess now in my own secretary.

[Stevi]

My wife and her best friend spent the day together while I tackled my employer's project.  Good news!  I have gotten a handle on the problems that have been causing so much consternation.  The system is doing the very basic things I need it to do.  Now, I have to fill in the details.  But there is even better news.  At the end of my wife's day, just as the returned to our hotel, my wife took a very deep breath and told her best friend what was up with me.  At first, her friend feared that one of us had serious health problems or that my wife and I were parting ways.  After my wife got it all out, her friend was relieved.  Me being trandgender was No Problem! 

I received an email from her.  It simply said, "Hey Lady! Love you, Lumpy"  (Lumpy is her self-ascribed self-depricating nickname)

Today was a really good day,
Stevi

[HappyMoni]

Fantastic Stevi, I'm so glad it went well. I had a number of people relieved that I was only transgender and not sick or dying or moving away.

[Stevi]

I had a talk with my HR person this afternoon.  She asked what I needed from them.  My face to face interaction with the many fellow employees with which I have a long history are very infrequent.  At this point I just need assurance that my future with the company is safe and the one person I interact with most often is informed and given the guidance for proper interactions with me.

Unless and until I need to interact more extensively with fellow employees I don't think I will press for a plant-wide announcement.  Maybe, though, it might be wise to have HR bring the department heads up to speed about transgender issues in general and my status in particular.  I will, I think, be coming out to many more people, soon, and the rumor mill might make things awkward if there aren't enough ears attuned to get it under control.

The plan is for my HR contact and the plant manager to take about a week to collect their thoughts then they will sit down with my work associate and inform him.

Stevi

[Stevi]

My wife and I met up this evening with my wife's best friend. Had dinner and a great time around the table.  Just we three girls.  Nothing special.  Really special.

Stevi

[Paige]

Hi Stevi,

I've been following your thread with a lot of interest.  Being a 55 year old with adult daughters, your story has a lot of similarities.  I haven't transitioned, just low dose E, but you definitely are inspiring. 

Glad it's working out for you.
Paige

[Stevi]

Paige,

I am glad you found somethng or two in all of my muttering that was of some help to you.  It has been helpful to me to just be able to "let it out" to ears and hearts that care and understand.

As loving parents, we really do not wish to bring any trials or travails on our children.  Sometimes, though, the best we can do is the lesser of two bad alternatives.  I really believe that my daughter would much rather have a happy parent in a different form than an unhappy parent.

My wife and I arrived at our daughter's place at about 3 pm today.  I will begin work on her condo while she is cruising the Carribean for 8 days beginning tomorrow.  I am going to paint the living roomand dinigroom then pull up the carpet and lay some wood flooring down in its place.  It seems I need to do what I can for my "little girl."

"Little Girl"-     In the email my daughter sent and I reported on early in this thread, she dashed my belief that I had done an acceptable job for her while she really was a little girl.  I have, for some years now, been affectionately calling her my "little girl."  Since that email form her, I have not been able to use the term as a term of endearment to her.  I am unsure about what the term mans to her.  Did it evoke in her what it is that I meant when I said it.  My meaning was that I was there for her to do the things I did for her when she was truly a little girl.  It seems that, in her mind, that I did not do what she needed me to do back then.  I, now, have doubts as to whether I would be bringing up bad memories for her instead of the reassurances I intend.

Our interactions seem to be fine.  I am consiously making an effort to demonstrate to her that I am still who she needs me to be for her.  We have had a few "woman to woman" moments and she had not flinched.  She seems to be taking it in stride.  I am dressed down.  I changed from a dress and some unequivically feminine jewelry to jeans and a tee shirt and some innocuous posts in my ears in place of the dangly earings before she got home.  So, I am not, by any means, pushing the envelope in my appearance..

I am, I suppose, OK with it.  I just wish I was fnally at a point where I was no longer accommodating the needs of others so much.

As I stated up-thread.
Patience,
Stevi,
Patience

[HappyMoni]

Hi Stevi,
   I had a chat with my youngest son today. I talked about what is in store for me looks wise this summer. I was wearing a cold shoulder dress with some cute straps across the front. I told him that I am taking another leap forward in how I will look this summer. For one thing, I'm getting boobs. I am not wearing a burka around him so he needed to be aware that I will be respectful of his feelings, but I am going to dress the way I want with slight variations when he is around. (No bikini's, etc.) He again thanked me for my gradualist approach and that he was pretty used to whatever I wore now. I'm full time almost 2 years and it has been a gradual loosening up on me restricting myself. I think you making this gradual for your daughter will pay dividends  in the end. It is sad that your pet name for her is something you don't feel like you can use any more.
Moni

[Stevi]

Moni,

I am pleased that your relationship with your son is good and your presentation is "acceptable' so far.  Slow and steady.

I am trying to be patient with my daughter.  This morning, my wife told me that, last night, while I was "out of the room", she and our daughter had a bit of a conversation and I was among the topics.  My wife was cryptic but encouraging about what they spoke about.  Our daughter had expressed some "ideas" regarding me but was very cautious that she would be able to bring them into being.  My wife was cryptic because she did not want me to get my hopes up about specific "ideas" just in case our daughter could not follow through.  She did want me to know that there is reason to hope.  Our daughter appears to be trying.  I think, in time, my daughter will get fully on board.

Stevi

[Stevi]

I made the following entry in Rachel_Christina's thread  "Total acceptance from Significant Other"   I am including it here as part of my ongoing thought process regarding my transition.



I am relatively fortunate.  My wife took it hard.  After a break-in period she, reluctantly supports.  She does things for Stevi but she really would rather not any of this was in her life.  In the past, when things were going badly for us and I wavered in my resolve, she made comments to me along the lines of "I will not stop you from doing this if it is what you need to do."  Sounds supportive but often feels like an "I'll help you do this but I really don't like it and you are making me miserable but don't mind me and my needs."  She doesn't convey any sense that she is the least bit happy that I am doing what I need to do.

Last night was a bit of a bad night so I am a bit down this morning and that may be part of the reason my tone is negative.  Most of the time, things go well for us.  We usually have a good time and life is pretty good.   I know she is struggling with a lot of things and this bail of straw has not made life easier for her.  She doesn't stop my progress.  I am going more slowly than I would like, for her sake, but, I am moving forward.  She has difficulty with using my new name and proper pronouns.  She tries but I think, by now, she could do better.  I understand that she has her outlook on the way things should be.  I just have this sense she cannot or doesn't want to let go of the old and embrace the new.

Verdict:  50% supportive

Stevi

[Julie -2010]

"I'll help you do this but I really don't like it and you are making me miserable but don't mind me and my needs."  She doesn't convey any sense that she is the least bit happy that I am doing what I need to do.

This is how I feel some of the time with my wife as well.  She really isn't interested enough to get to know me well.  She says she wants me to be happy but I know she hates this whole thing and so I don't think she puts any effort into it.  I'm not saying she has to be so happy and our previous life has to be wiped away.  Stevi, good luck with your path, I know it is not easy.
Julie

[Stevi]

Julia,

I just deleted a diatribe about my wife and replaced it with this simple "Julia, Good luck to you on your path, as well."

My mood is still crappy.

Stevi

[Paige]

Paige,

I am glad you found somethng or two in all of my muttering that was of some help to you.  It has been helpful to me to just be able to "let it out" to ears and hearts that care and understand.

As loving parents, we really do not wish to bring any trials or travails on our children.  Sometimes, though, the best we can do is the lesser of two bad alternatives.  I really believe that my daughter would much rather have a happy parent in a different form than an unhappy parent.

My wife and I arrived at our daughter's place at about 3 pm today.  I will begin work on her condo while she is cruising the Carribean for 8 days beginning tomorrow.  I am going to paint the living roomand dinigroom then pull up the carpet and lay some wood flooring down in its place.  It seems I need to do what I can for my "little girl."

"Little Girl"-     In the email my daughter sent and I reported on early in this thread, she dashed my belief that I had done an acceptable job for her while she really was a little girl.  I have, for some years now, been affectionately calling her my "little girl."  Since that email form her, I have not been able to use the term as a term of endearment to her.  I am unsure about what the term mans to her.  Did it evoke in her what it is that I meant when I said it.  My meaning was that I was there for her to do the things I did for her when she was truly a little girl.  It seems that, in her mind, that I did not do what she needed me to do back then.  I, now, have doubts as to whether I would be bringing up bad memories for her instead of the reassurances I intend.

Our interactions seem to be fine.  I am consiously making an effort to demonstrate to her that I am still who she needs me to be for her.  We have had a few "woman to woman" moments and she had not flinched.  She seems to be taking it in stride.  I am dressed down.  I changed from a dress and some unequivically feminine jewelry to jeans and a tee shirt and some innocuous posts in my ears in place of the dangly earings before she got home.  So, I am not, by any means, pushing the envelope in my appearance..

I am, I suppose, OK with it.  I just wish I was fnally at a point where I was no longer accommodating the needs of others so much.

As I stated up-thread.
Patience,
Stevi,
Patience

Hi Stevi,

Thanks for your response.   I wouldn't call it muttering, you've posted a lot of wise comments on how to deal with family and society.  Transitioning is not an easy thing especially for us older gals.  No one has all the answers but your honesty, empathy and patience are good examples for all of us.

Regarding the "Little Girl" nickname you have for your daughter,  I have similar names for my daughters and I worry too if they'll be comfortable with me continuing to use those names if I transition.  Whenever I get to the point where I think I have to transition, I stop in my tracks because I'm so worried about how my daughters will react.  I'm glad you are working things out with your daughter.

Take care,
Paige

[Stevi]

Paige,

I am pleased that you found some wisdom in my muttering.  Sixty-eight years seems to have accomplished a little in this old brain.

The reach of the influence of the transgender condition in our lives and those we care about is far and wide.  Would you have foreseen the possibility of a pet name being a problem?

I hope you find an acceptable resolution to your dilemma that allows you to make progress.

Stevi

[Stevi]

DONE!

I sent an email off to the Clerk of the Superior Court of Pamlico County, North Carolina.  I asked if the name change order I petitioned for was issued in my absence as we had arranged when I submitted my paperwork.

His reply---   Done!

So, as of today, April 30th, 2018, I am now Stephanie Rushelle Jones.

Joyously,
Stephanie R Jones   a.k.a.  Stevi

[HappyMoni]

I made the following entry in Rachel_Christina's thread  "Total acceptance from Significant Other"   I am including it here as part of my ongoing thought process regarding my transition.



I am relatively fortunate.  My wife took it hard.  After a break-in period she, reluctantly supports.  She does things for Stevi but she really would rather not any of this was in her life.  In the past, when things were going badly for us and I wavered in my resolve, she made comments to me along the lines of "I will not stop you from doing this if it is what you need to do."  Sounds supportive but often feels like an "I'll help you do this but I really don't like it and you are making me miserable but don't mind me and my needs."  She doesn't convey any sense that she is the least bit happy that I am doing what I need to do.

Last night was a bit of a bad night so I am a bit down this morning and that may be part of the reason my tone is negative.  Most of the time, things go well for us.  We usually have a good time and life is pretty good.   I know she is struggling with a lot of things and this bail of straw has not made life easier for her.  She doesn't stop my progress.  I am going more slowly than I would like, for her sake, but, I am moving forward.  She has difficulty with using my new name and proper pronouns.  She tries but I think, by now, she could do better.  I understand that she has her outlook on the way things should be.  I just have this sense she cannot or doesn't want to let go of the old and embrace the new.

Verdict:  50% supportive

Stevi

I can't imagine how hard this is for a spouse/ partner. I think a gradual approach to someone less than enthusiastic is the best way. I tend to think time will either help them get used to things or make them bail. I hope your new reality will start to become the  new normal for both of you.

[Stevi]

She baked a cake!   Not really, my wife bought and decorated an ice cream cake for Stephanie's new name being official, legal, actual.  In general, she is on board with what I am doing.  Sometimes she needs a little adjustment period as I take each step forward.  The adjustment periods do seem to be getting shorter.  I am thankful for that.

Stevi

[Susan Baum]

An ice cream cake? Cool, way cool.
I guess you spent the evening chillin' out...
(my bad)
Congratulations on the name change, Stevi.

Susan

[Stevi]

Susan,

Thank you.  Yeah, it was a pleasant surprise when she brought out the "cake."  It was cool!

I am still on a high from this latest step.  I do get a bit of a breather in that I am traveling and won't be able to actually get the court order in my hands until this coming Monday or Tuesday.  My next step is to see if my new physician, whom I will meet for the first time on Thursday, will give me a letter that satisfies the four agencies I need to go to change my name AND gender marker.  There is not much I can do until that takes place.

Stevi

[Paige]

DONE!

I sent an email off to the Clerk of the Superior Court of Pamlico County, North Carolina.  I asked if the name change order I petitioned for was issued in my absence as we had arranged when I submitted my paperwork.

His reply---   Done!

So, as of today, April 30th, 2018, I am now Stephanie Rushelle Jones.

Joyously,
Stephanie R Jones   a.k.a.  Stevi

Amazing, you're truly an inspiration Stephanie R Jones 😊 😊 😊 😊

Paige 😊