Gender Fluid thoughts vs Temp Stable GD

[Shambles]

Before starting HRT or Knowing you was defiantly FTM or MTF did you ever toy with the idea of being gender fluid?

For me i cant say for certain as a write this if i am 100% MTF or fluid.

Do i consider myself more F than M ? yes
Do i hate how i look now? yes
do i want to make lifelong changes? yes

This all points to MTF but here's the thing, i've been highly stressed at home since November, all of a sudden the water has gone calm with the acceptance of SO.

Do i want to remove nail varnish and go back to being male in other respects? no
Do i want to remove beard and get hair transplant when i can figure out how to afford it? hell yes

This might just be a case of waiting to see what the GD monster throws at me next and just enjoy the ride for the time being but did the calm points in your transition make you to think you might not need to transition the whole way?

I'm not in denial about being trans, i accept that 100%, what sort of questions can i ask myself to answer this or should i just enjoy it while it lasts? I mean it might just be the release of the stress that's causing these feeling rather than GD it'self. I know if i take a step back from where i am now i wont be happy and would be the wrong thing to do but i find myself asking do i just need to do a couple of more steps or is there a big staircase to climb still?

Jo

[Mumei]

Awesome.

[KathyLauren]

I never had any thought of being genderfluid or non-binary.  All along, I was female, period. 

Now, being well along in my transition, I see that the reality is less binary than I had thought.  I am more than 90% female, but there is male baggage that I will never be totally rid of, and that baggage is no less a part of my than the rest of me.

I identify as a woman, not as non-binary.  I attend the femme sessions of the support group, not the non-binary ones.  But I see for myself now that the spectrum is indeed a continuum.  I am close to, but not exactly at one end of it.

[pamelatransuk]

No Joanne I never considered NB/GF. I was definitely sure about MTF but my therapist still needed to confirm and I agreed that she should confirm. Then I started HRT.

After we accept ourselves completely and no longer have any attempt to rebury, we still have some doubts and they are only temporary and normal as we face a major but really wonderful change.

It appears to me you have those temporary and certainly minor doubts.

Please don't worry. You are on the right road. I believe you have correctly identified as MTF.

Pamela

[Tess100]

Hi Shambles, I identify with being gender fluid at this time.  Perhaps that will change as time goes by but it is where I am now.

[Shambles]

Im prity sure it just come from the lack of emotes atm, its weird ive been super charged up with lots recently and now its just blank. Not happy but not sad. I should be realy happy that SO jas changed her view point but ill take the calm. Before when i was feeling empty it was more to do with the act of male and living as ppl expected but this is different.

I did think about buying a baseball cap for the summer but then started to think how nice would a headscalf be instead so i know im not burying things

[VickyS]

Before starting HRT or Knowing you was defiantly FTM or MTF did you ever toy with the idea of being gender fluid?

Yes, I came out to my mum 2 years ago as bisexual and gender fluid.  Since October 2017 I realised that any fluidity I have takes me from being female to gender neutral, when I try to push towards the male end of the spectrum (for social unavoidable reasons) it drives me into a deep depression and dark thoughts re-emerge.  These thoughts disappear when I am on the female end of the spectrum and I become happy again.

This might just be a case of waiting to see what the GD monster throws at me next and just enjoy the ride for the time being but did the calm points in your transition make you to think you might not need to transition the whole way?

Totally.  The calm points DO make me consider if I am actually trans then I think I could live as male and it upsets me.  I know internally it's not me truly. I used to live like that but I really can't now.  I think like this:  well, I can just live with no body hair and painted nails, but I like wearing ladies underwear and socks and I'd love to really grow my hair out past my shoulder blades and have it split between down and a cute little ponytail, that's ok, I could live with that.  Then I think I REALLY need to get rid of the facial hair, so I'll continue with the electrolysis then I will be fine, then I hate the effects testosterone is having on me, so I'll get T-blockers, then having a flat chest is really uncomfortable for me as sometimes I ACHE to have boobs, so I'll have to start estrogen, then if I have pronounced boobs, I'll HAVE to present as female as it would look weird trying to present male with boobs.  Then, erm, I have arrived and will have transitioned.  That's my train of thought generally.

I'm not in denial about being trans, i accept that 100%, what sort of questions can i ask myself to answer this or should i just enjoy it while it lasts? I mean it might just be the release of the stress that's causing these feeling rather than GD it'self. I know if i take a step back from where i am now i wont be happy and would be the wrong thing to do but i find myself asking do i just need to do a couple of more steps or is there a big staircase to climb still?

Baby steps, as a very wise woman on here is find of saying, it's a marathon, not a sprint!  Just do what you need to to feel happy.  Not everyone goes 100% and what exactly is 100% anyway? we are all different and need different things.  Just relax and enjoy the ride while whacking the GD in the face with a big stick!  If you try to step back and find you get depressed, then the only way is forward.