Oh no! Not that old rag again
. Did I "always know?" Of course not. I make light of it, but it is of great import to me in this day and time.
To be sure, what I did know, was that I was a person. Not really identifying as one gender, or sexual preference, or even as queer, I was more bent on survival...the wicked step mother syndrome applid to my sister and I (I was 3 when she showed up and she remains in our lives to this day albiet we keep her at a distance. We aren't mean to her, after all she is not but a little old lady now. Return cruelty was never an option given that we love our father dearly).
Yes, I always wanted to be like my sister. I adored her pretty clothes and her friends and her toys. But was it a conscious gender identity issue? No, I don't think so. Although, if I think about it hard enough I waver in my certainty.
I wore sis's cast off clothes in the late 60's and early 70's, those that would fit me and that remained servicable, that is to say. My step mother would give them to me as summer or play clothes for the most part. Occasionally a really nice item made it's way to my closet. She is two years older than I, my sister. So as a child her clothes could be mine for a bit. No dresses or under garments or sleepwear, I particlarly remember a blue knit sleeveless top with the zipper in the back and a pair of long shorts with side zipper...and a pair of shoes. This was when I was 10-13. I was jealous that my chest did not fill out the knit top as well as hers. Not really a sexual thing, just a pretty appearnace that I didn't have. I'd sneak girls underwear when I could, and sanitary pads to go with them; certainly not an obsession. I longed for plain white cotton panties rather than the boxers and briefs that bunched up so uncomfortably. I certainly didn't dare to ask for femminine garments of any type. Although in hindsight, I would have asked had the wicked stepmother not been a control freak. We'll maybe adress the abusive parent in another post? Is there a thread for that?
But you have to remember put this all in context, my sister and I were clamped down, both of us etremely naive. We didn't understand the economics of a lower lower middle class household budget. Even through puberty, sex or gender was not really an issue to us. My stars! We only had a TV (black and white) through the summers of '68 through '70, basically while Dad ws in 'Nam. My over protective step mother saw to it that we had no interaction with other than relatives and church, she greatly influenced the information we were exposed to. My dad is a sweetheart and always has been. He recognized that he needed a caretaker for his children. I don't think I've said, but my dad was an Army Sargeant. During my young days we spent 6 years stationed in Germany, living in the military dependents communities.
I didn't question my gender. I did as I was told, I wore what I had. Of course I presented as a boy, even if i was picked on and bullied for my submissive nature. I found myself in school days being very much a loner since my sister was my best friend and we had not a chance of extra cirricular friendships. Puberty wasn't especially trying, but I definately noticed girls... not in an obsesive way, but envious in the choice in garments they had and in the way they were treated. I REALLY hated the agressive and domineering of other boys. Interactions with others in high school...
I've got to go now. I'll pick up the tale later if I get a positive response. If you want me to shut it.... I can do that too.
-Richelle
