Hey, my name is Kou and I'm new here. I never really thought I'd try to seek help like this, but I'm horrible with confrontation and heavy topics in person, so here we are.
To begin, I was born female and was pretty okay with it. I was a tomboy from elementary school and onward because my best friend was one at the time and I thought it would be cool to get into that. I grew up playing with dolls and stuffed animals, but I also enjoyed playing with my brother's toys. Up until my teens, I really never had a strong desire to be a boy but I preferred a mix of girly and boyish things.
Now I'm 17, but from age 14 or so, I began questioning my gender. Things began to not feel right, and at first it was mild. I wanted to feel more masculine (and still do). I always enjoyed being viewed as stronger and I remember being happy about being viewed as more masculine than my male classmate/friend. My parents would comment about my broad shoulders and I'd be (and still am) proud about that. For a majority of my life, I prided on being the older sister and good older cousin. I really had no regard towards gender roles and such. Sure, I have depression and anxiety, but it's kinda okay. I was always interested in the concept of transforming or becoming something different and idk, tf comics were pretty entertaining. Surely, I would grow out of my tomboy stage like my mom's friend said, right? Feeling a something like a phantom boner and balls was weird, especially in the middle of class. Having this strange experience of feeling a flat chest underneath my breasts wasn't normal, especially when it fluctuates in strength, but I always thought it was just depression and anxiety acting up on me. But sometimes, I'd feel nauseous at the very existence of my breasts and it'd make me physically gag. I want to be taller, I want to be stronger and muscular, I want to have a deeper voice.
And so, I find these feelings confusing. Usually when I see forum posts or read stories about trans people, there was usually dysphoria in childhood. I don't even know what I'm feeling is gender dysphoria or not, maybe I'm just delusional, I'm not sure. Isn't it strange to have all these sensations starting around 14 when you discover about trans on Tumblr? I'm not sure about it all, I feel like I should be focused on other things but as of recently, I can't stop thinking about it. I remember a couple of my online friends suggested that I might be bigender and tbh, I think that may be a strong possibility. I'm feeling all of this, but I still want to have children of my own, even if it means giving birth like a woman because I can't produce my own sperm. I'm sorry if this trespassed any of the rules, I felt like this was the place to put it because I'm under 18. Thank you to anybody who reads it.
