Music has always been a part of how I process my emotions. As a newly self aware transgender person, there were a few of my favorite songs that have come to represent the changes I experience.
Blowing in the Wind by Bob Dylan
This song is about crossing the obvious and the ephemeral to show how we create our own answers. It starts out asking things like how many roads does one walk down and how many years does a mountain exist. By the end its asking things like how many years can a people exist till they are free and how many times can a you turn your head a pretend you dont see. This is really representative both of our my feelings about life and the fact I was in denial about my gender for so long.
Specific lines like "how many times can a man turn his head" are on the nose about my feelings. Cause as a bigender person, i do feel I have a man in me. Their main purpose was just floating me to the point I was brave enought to find myself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paranoia by Chance the Wrapper
I often get a chorus or breakdown that is representative of my emotions stuck in my head. It's my subconscious way of knocking me over the head till I get it. Not really subtle, but the breakdown of this song just puts the feeling so well.
"I know, you're scared
You should ask us if we're scared too
I know you're scared
Me too"
I've had such a wonderful personal growth since I came out, but it's also scary of course.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Been to Canaan by Carol King
This is a pretty little song about paradise. Something about the freedom of the place and the nature makes me feel very at home. Singing Joni Mitchell and Carol King was a big part of learning about my femininity. This line in particular speaks to me
"Though I'm content with myself
Sometimes I long to be somewhere else
I try to do what I can
But with our day-to-day demands
We all need a promised land"
I don't have a lot of dysphoria but I do long to change. It's funny how a verse that is about vacation is seen through such a different because of the wording.
Also, this has nothing to do the original song, but I read about the pagan worship of Cybele that was once very important in Canaan. These worshippers would take extreme measures to express their gender identities in a time when they had so many fewer resources. This was inspiring because it made me realize how many people throughout time have gone through these struggles. So there are a lot of personal layers that make this one meaningful.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Boxer by Simon and Garfunkel (i usually listen to bob dylan's)
This song has always related to me in terms of struggling to make it living in the world and trying to stay with your ideals while also being a survivor. It has always been catchy and an anthem for living against the grain.
As a bigender trangender woman, sometimes the specific uses of boy and man relate to me. Like i do feel like "when i left my home and family i was no more than a boy/in the company of strangers." I was just a stranger to myself. Lastly, that plaintive ending is relatable to any one
"In the clearing stands a boxer
And a fighter by his trade
And he carries the reminders
Of ev'ry glove that laid him down
And cut him till he cried out
In his anger and his shame
"I am leaving, I am leaving"
But the fighter still remains"
This is relatable to anyone, but the imagery of taking hits, and leaving only to return strike true. It took me a long time to accept my feelings, and it felt a bit like having to tap out only to finally comeback and conquer my arena. Still get my ass kicked now and again, but I'm not leaving.
Anyway, thank you for reading. Music as expression is important to me so it means a lot to be able to share his.
Hugs and kisses,
Lady Love
