Hi. I am 16, born "female", and I think I might be transgender? I need help figuring it out because it would change practically my entire life.
So, let me start with this : I've been debating this for about 2 ish years(?) but I have been kind of off or different for my entire life. As a kid, I did play with barbies and dolls and stuffed animals, but I also had a major interest in superheroes, action figures and toy race cars. While I know that this is not what defines gender as a whole, it's something I hear about a lot in the trans community and thought I'd mention it.
I mainly wear boys clothes, in fact I usually go straight to the male clothing section when forced to go shopping (usually I shop online with my mom). However, I love dresses and heels, and don't mind a bit of makeup. This is definitely something that's confused me, because I read that a lot of FTM people hate those two items of clothing. I just wish my boy clothes would fit "right", and my chest wouldn't get in the way. That's the other thing, I hate the word "boobs" or acknowledging that that's what they are. I have to call it my chest, otherwise I get depressed.
As far as my hair and body go, I HATE my chest, but don't mind my genitals. As a kid, I don't remember ever hating my chest, at least not until I got into high school. I've talked to my mom (we're very close) about my dysphoria and she was shocked to hear that I would go so far as surgery for my chest. She compares it to plastic surgery, and disproves slightly, but is totally open to LGBT+ concepts, so it isn't that she doesn't accept me, it's just that she doesn't understand. Ever since I found out about top surgery, I've wanted it, and I've wanted a flat chest, and I've wanted to go shirtless at the beach and not have my period ever ever again.
This is where it gets tricky.
I should say that one of my favorite bands is My Chemical Romance (this is relevant, please keep reading). The reason I mention this is because the lead singer, Gerard Way, is a major influence to me and my style, along with Frank Iero, and Twenty One Pilots' Tyler Joseph and Josh Dun. I have my hair cut similarly to Gerard's and draw major inspiration in the fact that these boys don't have to be hyper-masculine to be boys, y'know? It has only been recently (the past couple years or so) that I came to realize that I didn't want to marry any of them, or have crushes on boys like the other girls did, in fact when I thought about it I wanted to DATE girls (I have since come out as bisexual to my parents, who are very supportive) and I realized that I want to look like these men. These bands and their band members are not an obsession, and I don't want to look JUST like them, I just want to be able to have tattoos like they do, take off my shirt like they do, and look like they do with their hair and bodies.
I discovered FTM people in 8th grade and the idea of it has been bothering me ever since. Am I one? What do I do if I am? I want to cut my hair short, but I am terrified that I will look bad or ugly or that my feminine features will be enhanced. I am Asian-American, making it very hard for me to find people to look up to in media or otherwise, especially in the transgender community. I usually don't shave my legs and armpits, however I have recently continued due to a lot of peer pressure and just generally feeling self conscious.
I am lucky enough to attend a very open arts school, where LGBT+ is common knowledge. In fact, nearly everyone I know is LGBQ, and I know at least three transgender (FTM) people my age. That said, while I know my transition would be accepted at school, I am terrified how it will affect my home life if I do discover that I am transgender.
I'm sorry, I know this is a lot, but I have some more information that's affecting my decision and identity.
So, my family cannot afford a therapist of any sort. I have consulted with my parents, and it's just not an option. My school counselor isn't very open to LGBT concepts, crossing her out as well. My gender identity has been a longtime influence of severe depression, dysphoria and anxiety.
After a lot of research, I identified (and currently identify) as Androgynous at school, but that title just doesn't quite feel right, along with other titles like "Genderqueer", "Genderfluid", "Demi-Boy", etc. I have always loved small things like playing a video game as a male character, going out on Halloween as a male character (ie. Kylo Ren, zombies, etc), and reading books with male main characters where I can just lose myself in that world and other people see me as male. Male facial structures are the only thing I draw, and drawing females just feels awkward and makes me self conscious. When I draw males, I feel like I'm drawing someone that represents me, and when I draw women, it's more of a love interest character.
My friends are mostly male, with only two or three very close female friends, one of which is a girl that I consider my sister who has known me for years, and the rest being six or seven close male friends.
I am terrified that I am transgender. Would it mean that I can no longer wear the dresses that I love? Would my personality change after T? Will I regret transitioning if I choose to transition? Would my friends look at me differently? Would I realize after transitioning that I was wrong? These questions and more have put me in a severe disconnect from reality, depression, and lead me to things like self harm.
I can't see a future for myself and I don't know what to do.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REPLY.
Thank you. Sorry if this was dramatic or long.
