Unsure of what to do and seeking advice.

[1412]

    Hello, first off this will be a sort of long post and looking back on what I've written you it's mostly dumb anyway, so feel free to skip to the TLDR.

    I've been having an extremely hard time lately and wanted a bit of advice. I have very little doubt that I'm trans but I just can't bring myself to do anything about it. It's crippling my dating life (as in I've turned down everyone who's ever asked me out because I'm not comfortable with the role I'm expected to fill)(a fact that has damaged my relationship with my father who tries to live vicariously through me) and I've already come out to my mother but there's a massive roadblock, my job. I've only ever had one job, I'm a professional boxer. When I say that I love boxing that doesn't come close to explaining things, I've spent more money on boxing equipment then I did on my car, it's on my mind practically every waking moment and most importantly, I'm legitimately extremely happy when I'm doing it. I love training, I love sparring, and I love fighting. It's really the only thing that keeps me going, whenever I start to think about things I don't want to (This being the number one thing) I just go box and the thoughts leave. Even writing this my heart is fluttering, I can't help but smile just thinking about boxing. I can't lose boxing. It is everything to me.
    But I don't think I can just live off of boxing either. Whenever I can't train, like when I'm trying to go to bed I just feel so full of self hatred and can't help but cry and then I feel like a pathetic loser for being so weak. This has lead to me staying up until 4 or 5 in the morning before waking up at 8 to start training. Whenever I take time to eat I feel horrible, so I started eating just one meal a day to minimize the time I'm not training. I never hang out with my friends and I don't have much of a relationship with my family because I just can't let myself think. If I'm not training I usually listen to boxing matches in my headphones (Frazier V Foreman is my personal favorite), without my headphones I'm just so tense and I start to feel like I'm going to cry again. I feel like I'm in a downward spiral, I can't even drive without thinking of all the things I could crash into to make my brain shut up. I've been to a therapist before and she diagnosed me with depression but I stopped seeing her after that because I was worried I'd lose my boxing license. I'd rather not see another.
    When I let myself follow my thoughts about if I were a girl, it feels nice. But then I remember boxing and my brain gets flooded with all the reasons I need to be a man. I need to box, I need to make my parents proud. If I wasn't a guy I'd have nothing. I'd have no money, I have no identity without boxing, I'd still be stuck with no friends and I'd lose my only reason to live. And then I end up arguing with myself, 'I'm too tall to look like a girl anyway' (6'2"), 'but I've always had a really small frame with narrow shoulders and a small waist' (I fight at welterweight, 147 lbs), 'but I'm probably too old for it anyway' (I just started college). I just don't know what to do. When it comes to that 'if there was a button you could click that would instantly change your sex would you click it?' probably, but I just can't say for sure I wouldn't regret it.
     Sorry about the long post, and an even bigger apology if I put this in the wrong section or something along those lines. I know that strangers on the internet can't tell me everything about what I should do, but I'd really appreciate a bit of advice. Thanks for taking the time to read this.
   
T.L.D.R. How should you handle a massive aspect of your life holding you back from doing anything about being trans?

[Jessica]

Hi 1412 🙋‍♀️ Welcome to Susan's Place!  I'm Jessica.
Everyone has their own reasons to be who they are, and their likes and dislikes are still part of them.  There is no reason you can't pursue your dreams as the person you are.

I see your new here, so I'll post some links that may help you get better acquainted with the site. Pay attention to the site rules they can be of great help and don't forget the link highlighted red.  It has answers to questions that are commonly asked.  Then join in on a topic you find interesting and learn and share.

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[1412]

Hello Jessica, thank you for the info. It is very helpful since this is my first time on this site.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's place. What is the most important thing in your life? What is the second most important thing? For me, once I reached the point in my life where it was possible for me to transition, that was the most important thing in my life. For others it's not always the case. For some time in therapy helps them set their priorities before starting a transition. Others find prior commitments like raising a family need to be addressed before they start their transition. Still others aren't uncomfortable enough and my live the remainder of their life without a transition.

This isn't going to be an easy answer to find but you need to consider this carefully and a therapist would help to set your priorities. 

[Amaki]

Not sure if this is what you are asking but my whole life Ive felt this way but my whole life I was told what to think or how to act, and I mean my whole life. It wasnt until I got out of the military 5 years ago that I was able to be myself (whatever that meant) being raised in the early 90's was a challenge in itself it was hard to be BI/ Gay or a lesbian and now that being trans is (it was never not there but) is more open its still rough. I feel that having time to myself and having someone to truly talk to helped a lot. As of this Thursday I intend (as a walk in) to go to the VA and talk to my 'mental health' care doctor and tell him/her everything and try and convince them to give me a full work up so I can maybe start HRT this summer so I can actually be myself (the me I see when I dream and not the me in the mirror...) 

[DustKitten]

Female boxing is a thing; at 6'2" I imagine you'd have a reach advantage if you wanted to try that (though they may only accept post-op women). Trans atheletes aren't unheard of; the Olympics allows trans people to compete if they've had GRS and at least 2 years of hormones.

You should look up Fallon Fox. She's a transgender MMA fighter; there's been some controversy over her competing since some people argue that, since she went through puberty as a guy, her bones are denser and thicker than they would have been if she were born female, and that supposedly gives her an unfair advantage. I think it's bull since after a couple of years on hormones pretty much all trans women are smaller and weaker than they were before, but trans women on average are stronger than normal women, partly because we tend to lead more active lifestyles.

Edit: I actually like boxing too  though I haven't watched much of it. I sparred with a few ROTC friends back in college.