Wish to cut loose (rant)

[SailorMars1994]

Many people here have heard my story, some much more personally . Today, and for a while I been wondering what to do with my mom. I have built up anger, hostility that leaks out. These days my dysphoira is on the down low, so with "him" out of my mind I can actually think (or become overwhelmed) about other life issues. Am I going them is my moms consistent let down to get rid of her husband. My step father is a very self centre narcissist. He has admitted distance for me since I was a kid and has tried to get me out of the picture, or make it known I am not wanted since I was atleast 12. He's dominaeering in every way with the family. Specifically with me. When I was a kid if I coughed a certain way he would be all over me insulting me, my bio dad and everything else. My mom never stopped. I have a sister who will be 12 this summer. I love her to pieces and truth be told I also believe helping create her was the only good my step dad has ever done. However, she has always gotten treated better. Last fall when we moved from Ontario to Manitoba my sister acted out and even called my step father names or would throw objects at him and both he and my mom would calm her down and try to reason with her. In 2008 when we moved from British Columbia to Ontario I was not allowed to show any feelings about it whatsoever ever. If I did I was told to "get over it" or that I can pack my bags and move in with someone who I didn't feel good with, it was a threat to say "shut it ". I wasn't allowed to talk about the bullying I got at my new school or how I missed home and hated our new place, it was just >-bleeped-< up and be happy or else. And it was mostly my mom who said that actually

It was also that same time  that my step dad would hit my two year old sister when she annoyed him, Brock and thrown objects on the house (which involved him being arrested) and also around that time my step dad made heather and threats with a knife in direction to my mom. He was taken out of the house on March 21 2009 and was to have no contact for three months. It wasn't that my mom got courage and put her foot down, it was her friend who made the police thing happened. During the three month of not having contact by law, my mom would sneak over to where he was to come up with a plan to fool the courts on how he has changed . This among other things. He needs control over everything. If my mom has a drink or food he will help himself even when she says don't touch. When my mom drives in her car henwould put his bare feet on the dash and dirtynitnuo but in  his car it had to be 100% clean. He also gets mad, angry even at my mom when she doesn't allow him to drive HER car. As a kid and even up to as recently as February he would dead name me, insult my father, my weight, my career choices , ext ... and my mom just stands there. Then when they do plan to "splitnuo" they tell everyone they know and even begin to look at new places where they can live and even attempt to make new bank account for a "divorce"... it's all a game, a game they play when they are "fed up" and a game that has been going on for like 10 years. They will never split.

Basically I see my mom as a coward who put me through endless hell just for a man. I have told her before that she will have to make a choice between me and him (knowing full well she'll choose him). I haven't made that threat as of late for a few reasons:

- you can't  make someone leave someone, they have to want to do it
-if she does leave him and things go sour for her I know she'll hold it against me
- the has had years to do the right thing

I am thinking of dropping herncold turkey once I can. I'm sorry, but I can't accept her marriage. I could never imagine my SO treating my children, or atleast one of them so bad and staying with said person. Granted her excuse is when she asked me what would make me happy and I said having him out of my life, she said "what about me and (sisters name)" to which I said well what about Ashley? Didn't Ashley deserve better... and she never said anything after. I can't live with this type of cowardice, and I don't see what she sees in him. He's a 48 year old Philipno who plays Star Wars and world of war craft in his underwear while neglecting his family most of the time. He is manipulative and rude and takes out his work issues and personal issues on the family.

I guess I just want to know what I can do to emotionally prepare myself for cuttin ties with my mom cold turkey. I need to move on and can't with her fraudnof anmarriage that has truamotzed me in many ways (I haven't even gotten into 30% of what has even happened, this is just a rant of the basics)

[DustKitten]

As someone who's no longer in contact with their own family, I'd say there's no easy way to leave, even if one comes from an extremely abusive family (which I did). I had nightmares about my parents almost every night for years, and I still get them sometimes. Even so, I still felt like leaving them left a huge hole in my life that nothing else could adequately fill. I'd been living with them my entire life, I'd been told over and over that I had to love them, that a good person would love their family, that I had an obligation to do as they asked and make them happy, and I felt guilty, hurt, alone, and depressed over leaving. It's not something I would recommend to most people.

The only time I would recommend cutting ties is when the consequences of staying would be worse for you than leaving. For me, I realized that every time I interacted with my parents, or with any other family members, I ended up getting feeling insulted, hurt, devalued, and more lonely than I'd been before I talked to them. My nightmares got worse every time I saw or spoke to them. After some time, I realized that staying with the family was wrecking me emotionally, and I stopped talking to them.

If you do need to leave, your mom would probably have one of three reactions to your decision, all of which could hurt you. She could act indifferent to your choice, which would make you feel unloved; she may beg for you to come back, which would make you feel guilty and break your heart; or she may grow openly hostile and attack you, verbally or physically (depending on her personality). You need to be prepared to deal with any of those three scenarios, and anything else that could happen.

Obviously, you also need to be in a place where you can support yourself financially and not have to run back to your mom when you need a place to stay. Having a supporting group of friends helps a lot. You can fall back on your friends when you need them, and they'll (hopefully) be there for you if you ever feel lonely or guilty over your decision.

One more important thing to remember: you shouldn't beat yourself up over your decision, whatever you choose to do. You'd be leaving because that's what you need to do, so you shouldn't blame yourself for that choice.

[Paige]

Will you still be able to stay in touch with your step-sister Ashley? 

[Dena]

Your step dad is an abuser and your mother an enabler. Nothing is going to change until at least one of the decides change is required. For now, you should discuss this with your therapist in order to learn the proper method of handling issues when your involved in them. You should also prepare yourself to move out on your own because if neither of them decide to deal with the issue, this will continue over the long term and it will be harmful to your well being. You still have a little time to save money or get additional training or more education but time isn't going to be unlimited.

[SailorMars1994]

Thanks everyone! I should note that I no longer live with them. I moved out of that house on February 12th this year. But the mental scars and truama haunt me to this day. I just feel so violated, I'm more angry at my mom to be honest beciase she could have saved me from him but chose to defend him at all costs.

Her and I are very very odd in our relationship. She did set me up with a place in April after my other roommate who I moved in with this past winter had a mental episode. She is there for me in those ways but she can't hide the fact she's ashamed of me, disappointed even. Last summer after step dad was acting up I told her how mi h he takes her for granted and she defended him. She also told me that I am/was 23 and I can leave if I don't like him. I can live with that because I was an adult, what I can't live with is that and then being compared to my other cousins about how they have their own houses and went to unversity and basically telling me I'm a failure. When I would point out I am doing the best I can (lived in Petawawa at the time and had a job that gave me 20  hours a week at most on minimum wag) jobs were not easy to come by there. Also, she negates that her kids were able to get theor first jobs as young teens beciase they lived in a big city of Winnipeg. I couldn't do anything in my teens as I lived in a town of 1500 at the time with no work. Also my cousins had their parents pay for half their years tuition (something my step dad wouldn't ever do for me and doubtful my mom would) and they didn't have to go home every night to WW3 (or so I am sure). When confronted by these facts mom just said I was making excuses.

I'm just very hurt and wish I had a way out of my pain. This is hurtful and as much as I love my mom and the good she has done, I feel super betrayed by her

[SailorMars1994]

I always felt weak. It's hard enough being a teen going through high school, having other past unresolved issues, trying to figure out what you want to do in life and having gender conflicts to top it off and hiding your double life away from everyone in addition to dealing with all said above.

My step dad was a monster. We moved from Victoria British Columbia to Frankford Ontario in August 2008 and the drive across was horrifice. They faught all the time and my step father would take it all out of me too. He acted like an arse on two notable occasion. One time while stopping at a McDonalds in the Okanagon region in British Columbia my mom thought she had the car keys and lost them. Panicking she looked everywhere and even went into a dumpster bare hand to retrieve them. Turns out he had them and watched he go through garbage for no reason. Then in Saskatchewan he and her manage to apprently get romantic (found this out years later) but whenever I came into th room to retrieve something or what not mom said he went from sweet to being his normal other self. Through out he was being awful but that is the high lights.

The thing that hurts is infact the March 21 2009 incident. I recall when he finally grabbed the chair and slammed it onto the ground and it chattered and left a dent after, in his words "you made this happen Cathy ". My heart was in my throats and I wanted to protect my mom and sister, but was afraid for both my physical safety at that time and I doubted my mom would have left him if he did pop me in defence. Regardless, after those events I never had a single person on either side of the family ask me how I was doing or check up on me. Inwas largely left on my own to process what happened as it was swept under the rug. People checked up on my mom. But not me.

[DustKitten]

Physical abuse is rough  and it's never acceptable. My parents rarely left marks where anyone could see them (ear twisting, squeezing upper arms and knees, aggressive spanking, whipping, slaps to the back of the skull, etc.), but they did get more violent a few times. The emotional abuse was always harder for me to deal with, though; being yelled at and made to feel like you're worthless leaves more of a scar than any physical attack ever could. I feel really angry at your step and mom now.

On a more positive note, what's Canada like? A friend of mine and I are thinking about moving there someday; I've heard Toronto is ok.

[SailorMars1994]

Will inbox ya that!

[Sno]

Cutting loose may be a good solution, and thats not being said lightly. From your descriptions of his behaviour he has narcissistic traits at best. You were the scapegoat, the target, the focus of the outpourings of frustration and rage, with no thought to the consequences on you.

There were no boundaries respected and from your description, verbal, emotional and physical abuse. Go and have a look at out of the fog - it's dedicated to those who are living with the consequences of being in very similar situations.

(Hugs) it's not your fault.

Rowan

[SailorMars1994]

Cutting loose may be a good solution, and thats not being said lightly. From your descriptions of his behaviour he has narcissistic traits at best. You were the scapegoat, the target, the focus of the outpourings of frustration and rage, with no thought to the consequences on you.

There were no boundaries respected and from your description, verbal, emotional and physical abuse. Go and have a look at out of the fog - it's dedicated to those who are living with the consequences of being in very similar situations.

(Hugs) it's not your fault.

Rowan

Thanks love! It just hurts so much. Frankly it's one of the reasons I have issues in life ATM. The more motivated I am to let my feelings come out the more hurt I am by all the past. And daysnlikentoday I am paralyzed