Feeling like an emotional wreck right now.

[Breeze 57]

Well, here I am sitting in my chair on a Sunday morning having a drink and peanut butter M&Ms trying to get calmed down and stop this incessant crying.  I feel stupid because my trials and tribulations are not nearly what I've read other have faced on here.  I have until noon to calm down as that is when my wife gets back from church and I don't like breaking down emotionally in front of her.  My wife and I are still together, though we have basically been just close friends who share a house while leading our separate lives.  She has drawn her line in the sand as:  we can stay together as long as it doesn't become obvious to others I am transitioning.  Well, I've only been on HRT for 5 months so it's pretty easy for me to stay concealed in man-mode now, even though some of my wife's friends have asked what is going on with my hair (it's a little past shoulder length what little I have left).  I would like to have FFS in January, but I know that will be crossing her line and my time with her will then be over. 

I think to myself "Why am I doing this to myself...to us?"  Since starting HRT, I feel sooo much better mentally and right now I feel "normal".  So normal I feel like I should be able to stop the HRT, remain in control, and lead a regular life.  But I've read the stories others have submitted saying the old feelings come right back and I definitely do not want that to happen.  Before I went on HRT, right before I started, I felt like I was coming apart at the seams.  But I also feel like the life I've known all these years is falling apart now.  It hurts so bad and I am so scared.

Now I'm on my 2nd drink and another bag of peanut butter M&Ms.  They are just so delicious.

The stupid thing is I have no plans to transition socially unless I can pass.  I don't think I am nearly strong enough to withstand societal condemnation.  I just have no desire to be a spectacle or the object of ridicule and I applaud all those that can.  I admire their strength of character to show their true selves.  As I write this I realize how narcissistic this must sound.  I think I have to stay on HRT just to retain a semblance of sanity, but I'm afraid if I do the other things (FFS, GCS, etc., which I do selfishly want) and don't end up passing, I'll have sacrificed my life for naught.  Does that make sense?  I sometimes wish there was just a community made up entirely of transgender people where no one would have to face the rejection and hostility of "normal" society.  I think I could happily move there.... if there were such a place.

Anyway, the M&Ms are now gone and the drinks have made me a little calmer.  So that's good.  I know there are no perfect answers out there.  Nor do I expect anyone to have one.  I guess I just needed to write this all down and vent a little.  And for that, I thank all who read this.  Hope it wasn't too much of a bore.  Can you tell the alcohol and sugar are making my mood a little better already?  LOL  Time to get my work clothes in the dryer and I've also got 2 toilets to clean.  Ick, but necessary.

Trivia question for those of you who watch "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia":  What was the name of the board game they invented?  And extra bonus if you can name one of the many rules.  No cheating by checking online.

[krobinson103]

Thing about HRT is that its slow but relentless. Its unrealistic of her to expect people to not see changes - which in their own time will come. Its also unfair of her to expect you to continue to pretend. My wife was the same She can't stand the 'embarrassment' and 'shame' it brings on her. I told her its what I have to do and I'm neither embarrassed or ashamed. We still live in the same house, but I live full time despite her condemnations. I'd like to separate and be free of the sniping but for now its not financially realistic.

Way I see it you have to yourself. Sure I went full time from day one. I didn't pass, didn't care. Because, no matter how stealth you think you can be, there will be tells and there will be people who see them. I pass 95% of the time now but I'll never change my height, or the width of my shoulders, the size of my hands and feet, or my pelvis.

You need to accept that some will never accept in the normal sense and... THEY DON'T MATTER. Live your life, enjoy it you only get one.

[Kylo]

That's the thing about HRT - it's making you feel more content and normal within yourself and makes you think you don't actually need it. A sign that you started to 'get better' because the hormones you actually need to operate on are present. But if you stop, chances are you'll go right back to feeling bad.

It's a bit of a cruel biological joke on us really. The hormone that changes us actually makes us feel less like wanting to transition because it's the one we need, but at the same time it is going to change you and there's no stopping it.

[Breeze 57]

I found both these replies insightful, well written, and well thought out.  I hope everyone who is on HRT and has doubts reads them.  I even shared them with my wife.  They brought some clarity to me.  Thank you so much for that.  Still not positive what my future holds, but I do feel a lot better today.  Yesterday was just a rough day and I'm glad it is over.