Does anyone else here live as male and female? How do you do it?

[DPS]

Im AFAB and identify as both a man and a woman, and am trying to find the best way to cope with that without transitioning medically. Right now Im in the middle of changing my name. I think about HRT all the time, but the only change Im really looking forward to is the voice changing and fat redistribution (for a more "male" figure), and since HRT kinda does whatever it wants you have to be in a "whatever happens, happens" mindset to take it...and the things I want from it are so specific Im not ready to take the risk yet. Maybe in the future but not now. Top surgery is hardly on my mind. I like how they look, but Im not totally comfortable with them either...its complicated.

So my question is, for those of you who live as male and female...how do you do it? What do you do to cope with your dysphoria? Do you just change your wardrobe to signal to people how you feel? Do you just do whatever you want and let people figure things out for themselves?

[Dena]

One of the things I have helped other with is voice lowering. It's just the opposite of what we do to rase our voice so it's not difficult to teach the reverse. It requires you use the chest voice and you speak in a less expressive manner. It most likely isn't going to move you all the way in to the masculine range but it can sound like a young pre puberty male.

[DPS]

I can look into voice therapy if it can help.

[Virginia]

VA (and Flytrap) raising hand.
I am a survivor of childhood psychological and sexual abuse and developed Dissociative Identity Disorder/Multiple Personality Disorder to cope with the trauma. One of the alters in my System is a girl (she post here sometimes as Flytrap),  so we have had to learn to share the body. There is a cozy little forum for people who express themself as more than one gender at http://www.bigender.net/forum/ that you might find helpful.

You can read more about the way Flytrap and I share the body in my post, "Childhood Trauma Survivor Misdiagnosed as Transsexual with Gender Dysphoria" at https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,176195.msg1548804.html#msg1548804 .  looking through each of our old posts.

[Doreen]

We should neither seek to stigmatize or glorify mental illness.. learning coping strategies helps.

That being said, I think after a certain point in transition it gets increasingly difficult to live as both.. If I decided to cut my hair off, tape my boobs down, and speak in a low gravelly tone.. I'd probably get taken for a lesbian.   Others could completely pull it off both ways though. 

I've seen afab with mad makeup skills totally look like a dude with the right skills though.  Might be an option? Has to be some youtube tutorials on that.

[Mariah]

The real key is finding what works for you best. Everyone who is genderfluid has their own way of handling things and figuring what how they are going to present and when. For my spouse that can change during the day. It's often based on how they feel, however sometimes based on situations too. My spouse is on HRT and is happy with how things are going for them. It definitely took them awhile to figure out what works for them best and to get a balance between them considering anytime they presented to often as one or the other dysphoria kicked up to trigger them back the other direction. So best thing is to listen yourself so you know when and how to present. I hope that helps. Hugs
Mariah

Im AFAB and identify as both a man and a woman, and am trying to find the best way to cope with that without transitioning medically. Right now Im in the middle of changing my name. I think about HRT all the time, but the only change Im really looking forward to is the voice changing and fat redistribution (for a more "male" figure), and since HRT kinda does whatever it wants you have to be in a "whatever happens, happens" mindset to take it...and the things I want from it are so specific Im not ready to take the risk yet. Maybe in the future but not now. Top surgery is hardly on my mind. I like how they look, but Im not totally comfortable with them either...its complicated.

So my question is, for those of you who live as male and female...how do you do it? What do you do to cope with your dysphoria? Do you just change your wardrobe to signal to people how you feel? Do you just do whatever you want and let people figure things out for themselves?

[Jamie_06]

I'm AMAB and genderfluid, and I live as both male and female myself.

Boy me:

Girl me:

As my wonderful love Mariah said, it took me a while to get here, and I have had a lot of second thoughts about HRT too. I ultimately decided to do it, after discussing the risks thoroughly. I went with a lower dose than the high-end transition one, and I am not using anti-androgens. It helps that my T levels weren't very high to begin with; I had breast buds starting when I was 11 and developed sensitive raised nipples by 12. My voice was actually in the soprano range until I was around 14.

HRT can be kind of a mixed bag when it comes to results, but you can adjust the dose as you need to. Just make sure you let the medical professionals involved know what you want and why, and they can work with you on what you need. Then again, I can't advise you specifically regarding T as I started from the opposite biological direction as you.

Even without, though, there is a lot you can do with clothes, hair, and personal style. I already passed pretty well as female long before I decided to start HRT:



See? Those were taken close to the same time, and I hadn't done any medical changes. Just a wig, a dress, and some padding up top, and not even any makeup. For you, just the right clothes and cutting your hair properly could accomplish a lot too.

Regarding breasts... yes, those can be a bit of an issue, but mine haven't gotten really big to the point of needing a binder yet, and given that I started at 30 a full B is probably as big as they'll get (they're at a large A / small B right now). I don't know how big yours are, but perhaps something like a reduction instead of full-on top surgery might be a good compromise.

[Shellie Hart]

For me, it's pretty simple. After 28 months of HRT I now have a very female-shaped body (kinda already did before HRT) and I live as female at home. I am AMAB so I am male outside home. I have no choice due to too many factors to get into here. I've made my peace with it. In other words, I live a double life. No one in my life knows of my secret life. I can't really hide my large (and still growing) breasts anymore, but I try as best I can every day (yes, I get lots of "looks"). It's what works for me.....for now. Sad for me, but it's how I manage to survive the insanity that is my extremely dysfunctional life....

[DPS]

Thankyou for sharing your stories. Its given me a lot to think about.