Being trans at a funeral / formal events

[Gothic Dandy]

I'm especially hoping for support from other trans masculine people like me, but I appreciate any support from anyone. In fact, just allowing me to write this out may be helpful without you saying anything, so thank you already.

My uncle has died, and I am going to the wake (visitation) tonight and the funeral tomorrow morning. I am very worried that attending services with family is going to trigger an unusual amount of gender dysphoria in me.

1. The fact that a relative has died, even though we weren't that close, is distressing enough.

2. My dysphoria has been unusually heightened this week at work, on top of that.

3. My immediate family is manipulative and dysfunctional, so even if I weren't trans, they would still make me uncomfortable and I would still be as low-contact as possible.

4. Since coming out, my dad makes a point of calling me his daughter or a woman any chance he gets. I promised myself that I would correct him the next time he did this. I did not expect "next time" to be at a funeral.

I don't want to be either responsible for, or accused of, being selfish and only thinking of my comfort on a day when everyone is mourning.

At the same time, it doesn't feel fair that I should have to deal with the anguish of dysphoria on top of my own grief simply because my family is too transphobic to care. (It's only "selfish" because my transness makes them uncomfortable.)

If you can share any similar experiences, I'm all ears. Otherwise, thank you for reading!

[KathyLauren]

I am sorry about the passing of your  uncle.  Were you close?  I am sorry, too, that the dynamics in your family are making a sad situation more difficult.

I would suggest trying to minimize contact with your hostile family.  Pay your respects to your uncle and then leave as soon as you can get away.

Are you regularly presenting as male?  If so, continue to do so for the events.  Don't change your presentation to satisfy transphobic family.  On the other hand, if you do not regularly present as male, doing so at the funeral would be taken as a provokation.

Whether or not to correct misgendering is a tough call.  "Making a scene" vs. defending yourself.  There's no one answer.  The best course of action may depend on how badly the bridges are burned in your family.  Myself, I might be inclined to make any corrections necessary, but to avoid an argument about it until a later date.

Good luck surviving a stressful situation!

[Kylo]

I wouldn't cause a scene at a funeral, no matter how much you feel justified in it as it'll only be used as ammo against you forever more for "ruining" it, or ruining the day dedicated to someone else. I see it as paying respects to the person who died, and the rest of the people there and their issues shouldn't be the main concern. Funerals are never nice but one feels obligated to turn up.

In that sense I'd just go, dress neutral, pay no attention to any gendered provocations, pay your respects and make an exit when you feel you've stayed long enough.

[salaniaseviltwin]

I am in a similar situation (MTF). My sister requested that I be in her wedding, I have not met any of her fiance's family. Out of respect, she asked which side of the wedding party I wished to be on. I gave her the option, and she is putting me in the groom's side. Partly for balance, partly for everyone's nerves. I have no problem with this since I am not really feminine. The most feminine thing about me is probably my hair, unless I'm wearing a tight tee. This weekend is the real test though as I'm going camping with my father, who does not approve of my lifestyle choices.

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[VickyS]

I was in a very similar predicament recently.

My wife and I are going through a VERY rough patch which will probably end our marriage.  My step-daughter (age 30) hates me and loves making horrible remarks about me at every available opportunity.  They both know I'm trans but I present mostly male albeit with longer hair and long fingernails (usually painted with clear varnish).

About 7 weeks ago my wife's mum died and I was faced with what to do for the funeral.  I had to wear a suit which caused havoc with my dysphoria and my wife asked me to cut my nails and not wear any polish which I agreed with.  I did not like doing it, but out of respect for her mum I did.  She also asked me to stop my electrolysis for a while so my face 'did not look a mess for the funeral' and again I complied.  My wife wanted to straighten my hair (it's about 6 inches long at present) so I let her but it actually made me look more feminine! Especially as I had to use hairspray to stop it constantly falling over my eyes lol.    About half her family know I'm trans and VERY few people spoke to me or even looked at me and if they did they gave me a 'disgusted' look.  The only people that were friendly towards me were the some of the people who had married into the family and they themselves felt awkward.  I got through it though but it was dreadful. 

Then... a few weeks later her dad died and we had to go through the whole process again last week.  This time it was even worse and I was totally ignored and ended up standing on my own until my stepson's wife took pity on me and invited me to their table.  She said 'come over here and join the rest of us outcasts!'  again I got through it but it was one of the most embarrassing and horrible experiences I have had to deal with.  I have never felt such universal loathing from such a large group of people before!  Stepdaughter even came and stood in front of me at the graveside effectively pushing me backwards when I was stood next to my wife. 

The reason I'm saying this is that although I totally capitulated and did what my wife wanted me to do, it was still damn awful.  I think if anyone had confronted me head on I would have just accepted the hate, agreed with them and quietly died inside.  Luckily that didn't happen.  Like you, I did not want to be seen to be disrespectful or 'ruin' it.

Sorry to sound negative, but that was my experience and I hope yours is significantly better.

Vicky x

[Gothic Dandy]

Thanks so much for all your experiences and advice. Here is some more info.

I was not that close to my uncle, but not distant either. I'm more worried about my aunt, whom I'm a little closer to, because now she will be living alone and she already regrets not having children. Also, she's literally the only person who welcomed my transition with open arms, so I feel a connection to her that I don't feel for my other relatives.

I regularly present masculine, so I will wear either a suit or a dress shirt. Since afab people have the privilege of getting more leeway with a "butch" appearance, I don't think it will cause much of a problem.

I don't think I'll say much more than, "Dad, you know better," if he purposely misgenders me. I wouldn't be able to cause a scene even if I weren't going to a funeral, but at least I'd be more open to the possibility of getting caught in one. He regularly starts loud arguments at family gatherings. Maybe I'm actually lucky and he'll have a subdued reaction if I correct him at a sad event.

I'm leaving for the wake in a few minutes. I'll come back and tell you how it goes! I'm much less nervous after venting about it, though.

[Cindy]

My thoughts for your loss.

I would suggest that the strong quiet respectful silent considerate person will make the impression on all.  Ignoring provocation and supporting your Aunt as a strong respectful young man will do both you and your Aunt and other loved ones a world of good.

Let those who want to jump up and down making noise gain attention to themselves. It will reflect poorly on them and not on you when you just ignore them

Big Hug

[MeTony]

Sorry for your loss. I hope it went well for you.

[Gothic Dandy]

Thank you for your condolences.

The wake and funeral are over. I did not attend the wake. I was late because I spent all day looking for a dumb photo that I never found, and then it seemed everything that could go wrong did. About 50 minutes before the end of the wake I found myself 40 minutes out of the way, so I considered the trip a failure and called my aunt to apologize. I tried to look on the bright side and say, well, at least I didn't have to see my immediate family at all.

I got there early the next morning for the funeral, because the friend I stayed with overnight used to live in that neighborhood and helped me get there. There was a final visitation and as I stood there paying my respects, the heaviness of the scenario pushed away all feelings of gender dysphoria and anxiety, and I was grateful for those to melt away so that I could just feel the grief of losing a family member and nothing else.

Nobody seemed to bat an eye at my shirt and tie during the services. I didn't talk to everyone in the family because I spent most of the time keeping an eye on my small daughter, who showed up with her dad in the morning, and everything moved kind of quickly. When it was time for goodbyes, my dad just gave me a pat on the back and said "bye" without even making eye contact. I don't want to make this even longer with backstory, so I'll just say I was amused and satisfied.