Time to Reopen Where are All the SOs

[Faith]

...<snip>... there have been many, many times I've wished, hoped and prayed with all my heart (and I'm not into religion) that he could magically stop being transgender, or at least be wrong about it...of course I know that can't happen ...<snip>...

This is important. As accepting and supportive as my wife is, aside from preferring that it all go away, she still has trouble grasping the mental difference between me being a ''feminine male' or being a woman. I do not say 'want to be' .. my brain IS. It is very hard to explain the difference, at least for me. I've tried multiple approaches and she kind of gets it but I have to wonder if sometimes she just agrees for my sake while still not quite grasping the difference.

[confusedfairy]

Faith: Sorry that you feel like your wife just won't understand.  She may begin to come close to understanding it with time, but one thing I've realized, and tried to explain to transfolks, is that cisfolks try to understand, but being trans is simply not a concept we can fully fathom.  I can intellectually understand that you felt like your body was absolutely wrong, and there were parts that just had to go because they didn't belong, but to feel it in my bones the way you do?  I haven't found a cis equivalent that comes close to what transpeople describe.  In fact, if you find an equivalent, it would help. 

At first I was horrified by the anatomical changes my spouse described wanting.  How could she want to get rid of pieces of herself that I loved, and had lots of good memories with?  To me, they were as much a part of her as anything else was, and I would certainly lose something if they were gone.  At this point, the idea goes down a bit easier, but it didn't make emotional sense to me either, at least at first.   

[Debi]

For me what other people thought about who we were/are and how they reacted to the way I was dealing with our "problem" was difficult to deal with. If I could say that I was good with the situation then whoever asked the question could walk away feeling like it must be ok or that I was crazy and I deserved wherever my relationship with a transgender person was going to take me. The problem was that if I was having a "I need to vent day" I had no one other then my spouse to chew on. Not a good place to go with venting. What it all came down to is that one day I found I had worked the problems out in my head and it no longer mattered to me what other people thought or even had to say on the matter. It was all about me and not them anyway. That was about the same time that I started answering the question "who am I?" I am very sorry that your relationship fell apart. Sometimes we have to be strong not only for ourselves but for our partner also and sometimes they just won't let us. One person can set a fuse to a marriage but it always takes two to put it back together.
Know that there are people here who hold you in high regard and we are cheering you on in this race that you didn't ask to be in but are having to run anyway. The highways of life are almost never straight.
Debi

[confusedfairy]

Debi and the rest of the gang, I really do appreciate all the support.  I'm genuinely at a loss as to how to fix this situation, and I guess it's exactly as Debi says: it takes two to fix this situation, and although I've tried, I can't do the work for both of us. 

Today is my son's birthday, and I can't let yet another incident make me gloomy today.  Hopefully the gloomy feeling will pass when my family comes. 

[Debi]

You go girl. Enjoy your son's birthday and family time with all you are!

[Debi]

being trans is simply not a concept we can fully fathom.  I can intellectually understand that you felt like your body was absolutely wrong, and there were parts that just had to go because they didn't belong, but to feel it in my bones the way you do?  I haven't found a cis equivalent that comes close to what transpeople describe.  In fact, if you find an equivalent, it would help. 

Tia equates it to trying to explain what the color purple is to a blind person. What it comes down to is that this is something that if you haven't experienced it you just can't comprehend it. You can empathize with, you can feel for,  hurt for, cry for, or be joyful for, but you just can't understand.

[Sylvia]

' she still has trouble grasping the mental difference between me being a ''feminine male' or being a woman'

Yes, Faith, absolutely. I think I am only coping with this by thinking of him as a feminised version of the person I loved. I just can't actually think of him as a woman, not really. Maybe he's a bit different, but he doesn't actually think of himself as a woman either. Not yet, anyway. Maybe he is fooling himself? Who knows. He's the only transwoman I've come across who doesn't want to use a female name or female pronouns- is that unusual? He likes his 'femininity' being internal - as in the breasts, changed body shape, hairlessness. He doesn't care what other people see, as long as he 'knows' he has the female aspects he wanted. Does that make sense?

[Faith]

Sylvia, it makes perfect sense. I still have bad dysphoria, however, just having breasts that I can look down and see makes a huge difference. For me, I wish that were enough. I think in our situation it would be easier if I could stay the 'old me' on the outside while hidden under articles of clothing is the 'real me'.  If knowing the changes are there without having them 'on display' is enough for him, that's great.

I've spent my life wanting more, no matter what I had, I wanted more .. just one more thing. Nothing was quite enough. Now with these changes, I want more. But it's different this time. Lori say, "You've always wanted more". I cannot disagree. This time though .. I need more. I can tell the difference, she cannot.

Don't mistake me, Lori is my rock and she's supportive and helpful beyond any expectation that I could have or have any right to. However, she still prefers old me. I cannot fault her that, I understand completely. Someday over time perhaps we can get to the 'same thing only different' stage where's she's just as happy with new me as she was with old me. I can only hope at this point.

I suppose I should state, she prefers 'old me' in looks. My mood improvements, overall more relaxed and happy, and other emotional/personality type changes she is quite happy with. Although, she still finds it odd when I break down and cry. A role reversal she wasn't expecting Me doing dishes and laundry without prompt or second thought came as a surprise, for both of us. I even make the bed in the morning (except when she's still in it). I can't stand to see it all wadded up.

I'm digressing

Take care,
Faith

[Sylvia]

'A role reversal she wasn't expecting Me doing dishes and laundry without prompt or second thought came as a surprise, for both of us. I even make the bed in the morning (except when she's still in it). I can't stand to see it all wadded up.'

No role reversal here, I rather hoped he'd suddenly want to do all the cooking. However, he's always been tidy and and always done housework/laundry etc.

Personality wise? He is much nicer and we are much closer, but I can't put that down to the HRT, as much as down to finally working out what had been 'wrong' with him all his 60 years. So he's been much better and much happier in the two or three years since his self-discovery. He has made a huge effort himself to be more patient, kinder and empathetic. This was WAY before the patches.

[Faith]

well, you broke up the sentence a bit different than I meant when I typed it, but that's OK

she still finds it odd when I break down and cry. A role reversal she wasn't expecting

[Debi]

I prefer having Tia as my partner over the guy that she was. "He" has shown up a couple of times when Tia couldn't deal with a situation and I did not like that person at all. I think the reason is because when he stepped in he was an angry old man who had left all of Tia's personality hidden deep inside. Before we knew about Tia the personality was a blend of the she/he and I have found that the characteristics that drew me in the first place were the sensitivity and caring. OK, I will admit that I liked his body and all that implies but when Tia showed up I realized I gained way more benefits of relationship then I gave up. My Mother calls Tia delightful, not a word she would ever use to describe him. (Though she loved him as well.)

[confusedfairy]

Aww...it's so sweet to hear stories where people's relationships legitimately grew and improved from this process.  I have a coworker that is a transman that I was talking to about my marriage today, and thought about how much effort both sides have to put in to keep a marriage alive through this process (unless some folks are just especially lucky and get through this painlessly?) 

Meanwhile I sit here wondering who my spouse really was on the inside: the person of today, or the person I *thought* I married?  Or perhaps somewhere in between?

[Mariah]

Confused fairy, it is definitely work and takes time. It was an adjustment for me when my spouse came out as genderfluid. You get comfortable in your marriage and think everything is going to be the same as it is today and then the next moment you know things have completely changed from what you were used to in some ways. Now I'm used it and both my spouse and I are closer together than we were before. It just depends I suppose on everyones situation and not all are going to be alike and in fact many won't be a like. Hugs
Mariah

[Dena]

' she still has trouble grasping the mental difference between me being a ''feminine male' or being a woman'

Yes, Faith, absolutely. I think I am only coping with this by thinking of him as a feminised version of the person I loved. I just can't actually think of him as a woman, not really. Maybe he's a bit different, but he doesn't actually think of himself as a woman either. Not yet, anyway. Maybe he is fooling himself? Who knows. He's the only transwoman I've come across who doesn't want to use a female name or female pronouns- is that unusual? He likes his 'femininity' being internal - as in the breasts, changed body shape, hairlessness. He doesn't care what other people see, as long as he 'knows' he has the female aspects he wanted. Does that make sense?

We experience dysphoria differently. For some of us, it's the appearance of our body. For others it's social and the way we are treated in society. It's possible to have some of each and then one may be more important than the other. It appears that your husband is primarily body though after that is under control, it's possible some of the social need might come out.

[Debi]

Good morning All,
I'm sitting at a table of wonderful new friends home on a very rainy day in Maryland. For those of you who don't know, Tia and I are doing our honeymoon road trip down the east coast meeting with family and new friends, who we made on Susan's Place. ( If you are interested you can look us up under Debi and Tia's Grand Wedding Adventure). Anyway in a conversation with Tia, Moni, Ann and myself we discussed how the transition is as hard on the SOs as it can be on the partner who is transitioning. I think one trap of this is that as SOs we can become so wrapped up in what our partners are going through and doing, we forget who we are as individuals. So my question for all you SOs is: What do you want to do or accomplish for yourself in the next year?


My own answer is that I write poetry and I would like to have a collection of my poems published. How about some of the rest of you?


Debi

[Sylvia]

Oh gosh, Debi, I have trouble even thinking about the next couple of months, never mind next year! I know that we should all look after ourselves, and make our own plans etc - all the therapists have said that - but I can't even motivate myself to take exercise! OH suggested a holiday for next summer, and to be honest, just thinking that far ahead freaked me out. Not because I don't think we'll be together, but the thought of how many other things will have changed by then! It scares me.
So sorry, I guess I can't think of anything I want to achieve, other than just to keep my head above water, keep my job, keep my family together, try and have some fun, and just survive without having a mental breakdown. That's the best I can do. I can't even imagine having any sense of happiness and contentment ever again. Life has been turned upside down.

Oh, and the best of luck with the poetry!

[Debi]

Sylvia, It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. I would say that a number of things you mentioned could be considered things that could help build happiness. I hope that many of them go the way you would like them to.

Debi

[gallinarosa]

So my question for all you SOs is: What do you want to do or accomplish for yourself in the next year?

Hmmm... work my way out of depression, regain my confidence, recover my business, stop sleeping so much, get my canoe actually IN the water by next year, and be as upbeat as you are!

Sorry. Like Sylvia, I am not ready yet for any grander ambitions ;-)

[confusedfairy]

Goals: I like it!
So far: 
1. Be successful at work, which somehow seems to relate to looking the part, interestingly enough.

2. Figure out who I am once again.  So easy to get lost in things, just like all of you are saying. 

3. Appreciate the small good moments of the day. 

Also: anybody else reassess themselves in this process and wind up changing their look, or working harder on what they look like?  I ended up cutting my hair just to keep from looking ragged, but discovered that it ended up changing how people viewed me. 

I have been trying to make it a point to look decent, just to remind myself of I don't know what.   

[Debi]

To Gallinarosa and Confused Fairy, I think both of you have set some good goals toward moving forward. We encourage you to find ourselves.

Debi