Which hurts less

Emma1017 · March 05, 2019, 11:10:09 AM

At of all the that I have read, I found that The Transgender Guidebook by Anne L. Boedecker was very practical and The Gendered Self by Anne M. Vitale was more emotional. They work well in combination and I got a lot out of both.

I also like pretty much everything that Brynn Tannehill has written. She has a lawyers mind and presents counter-arguments well.

I agree Kim, you need to confront all of the issues in order to survive. The challenge it to maintain perspective...one of the great things that you and others here have helped me with.

GinaG · March 05, 2019, 11:33:11 AM

Wow just read your whole thread. It starts with me. I am in my 60s torn a wife I love. My yearnings growing. You are so brave and inspiring. I don't know how I will proceed. But you are so hope giving in your amazing posts. And the resonses. Bless you on this journey

Gina

Emma1017 · March 05, 2019, 12:04:09 PM

Wow Gina thank you so much for your thoughts.

This thread would not exist without the incredible people who have shared with me along the way.

My thread is just part of this great site.

Best wishes in finding your own way!

Warm regards,

Emma

GinaG · March 05, 2019, 07:03:14 PM

Thank you. What you and Kim said about facing things is right on. I have been trying that coming on here.

I just had a serious coming out conversation with my wife. Told her I was trans. She had plenty of hints. But really opened up.n i cried.

She was great.understanding and supportive. I am lucky. I will go back to therapy soon. Beyond that.... I am both hepeful and afraid

Gina

KimOct · March 05, 2019, 11:11:08 PM

Gina - No matter what happens you are lucky to have a wife that was kind. I am not saying supportive, accepting or encouraging. I am just saying kind. Kindness is important. Good for her.

This is a lot for any spouse and for some it works and others it doesn't, but the very least we can expect is kindness.

Emma1017 · March 06, 2019, 07:40:39 AM

Hi Gina:

I agree with Kim that having a supportive wife and partner makes the emotional body slam that you are experiencing massively easier to survive.

I recommend you do what I did when I started the process of discovery and to understand being transgender. I started out emotionally panicked and entirely alone but I started to read (on this site and the internet), slowly opened up to people on this site and talked to a professional analyst.

Keep talking to your wife and include her as much as she can tolerate. Try couple therapy.

Remember that you will find your own solutions if you keep trying and you will discover what works or doesn't work for you. This is a very personal process.

I learned from everyone here what courage is and I am confident that you will find your answers.

Warm regards,

Emma

GinaG · March 06, 2019, 09:46:19 AM

Hi Emma.

Thanks for the advice. I have had heapy a few years ago talked about this. I decided to wait but it is a growing realization. We talked a little this morning. She is concerned but loving. Me too!

Emma1017 · March 06, 2019, 10:38:37 AM

Best wishes to the both of you!

Moonflower · March 06, 2019, 08:24:23 PM

Quote from: Emma1017 on March 04, 2019, 10:36:21 AM
I really feel like I have a split personality.

When I describe to a close friend what my experience of Beth's transition is like, I find myself seeing Beth as a split personality. She has different gestures. Her face looks different. Her posture is different. She is at ease with all that is. She is so clearly a woman. But sometimes the male personality shows up. My sweetheart says she is always just being who she is. May you soon discover how well you and Emma fit together into one complete person.

KimOct · March 06, 2019, 11:23:31 PM

For those of you that have not met Moonflower SHE ROCKS !!!

Any MtF that has a wife as supportive as her is lucky indeed.

May all of you with a spouse be as blessed.

Don't be a stranger in these parts Moonflower

Emma1017 · March 07, 2019, 06:42:07 AM

Thank you Moonflower for your thoughts. They are always welcome.

I am still battling through my own walls of rejection, but they are getting weaker.

I can't stop focusing on the surreal nature of all this.

I have this perfectly healthy body and I have to drastically alter it, taking all the risks and pains to do so, just to be happy. Throw in my constant fear of hurting others plus throwing away a good chunk of my life and I keep endless circling back to the same emotional battle.

I guess that I have no choice for the next year or so until I make the absolute commitment to transitioning (i.e. surgery) that I will continue to challenge every aspect of this process.

I am so happy the you and your partner are doing well.

Warm hugs,

Emma

GinaG · March 07, 2019, 08:37:15 AM

I feel that surreal feeling a lot. When I think of the changes coming. It is a big mountain to climb.
Dressed this morning as The female me, it feels real.

I really appreciate the situation you are in. I too don't want to hurt. But I want to be happy.

Big hugs are needed!

Gina

anne_indy · March 07, 2019, 10:44:59 AM

Quote from: Emma1017 on March 07, 2019, 06:42:07 AM

I have this perfectly healthy body and I have to drastically alter it, taking all the risks and pains to do so, just to be happy. Throw in my constant fear of hurting others plus throwing away a good chunk of my life and I keep endless circling back to the same emotional battle.

Your wording succinctly summarizes my own struggle. Yet when I am able to express myself as a woman, I see myself consistent with my internal image.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Emma1017 · March 07, 2019, 12:02:24 PM

Anne: I have the same problem. Every time I see Emma's smile I know what is right.

HappyMoni · March 07, 2019, 04:44:35 PM

Quote from: Emma1017 on March 07, 2019, 06:42:07 AM

I am still battling through my own walls of rejection, but they are getting weaker.

I can't stop focusing on the surreal nature of all this.

I have this perfectly healthy body and I have to drastically alter it, taking all the risks and pains to do so, just to be happy. Throw in my constant fear of hurting others plus throwing away a good chunk of my life and I keep endless circling back to the same emotional battle.

I guess that I have no choice for the next year or so until I make the absolute commitment to transitioning (i.e. surgery) that I will continue to challenge every aspect of this process.

I am so happy the you and your partner are doing well.

Warm hugs,

Emma

Hey Emma, in what way do you feel you must 'throw away a good chunk of your life?' Do you mean the people you might lose?
Moni

Emma1017 · March 07, 2019, 06:40:10 PM

Great question Moni.

Beside some friends who won't be able to process my transition, I have been involved in some very masculine activities that will not transfer to my female life.

As I thought about your question, I realized I would trade them all in a second just to go clothes shopping, buy some heels and play in the makeup aisles of Sephora.

Great point!

HappyMoni · March 07, 2019, 07:25:07 PM

Quote from: Emma1017 on March 07, 2019, 06:40:10 PM
Great question Moni.

Beside some friends who won't be able to process my transition, I have been involved in some very masculine activities that will not transfer to my female life.

As I thought about your question, I realized I would trade them all in a second just to go clothes shopping, buy some heels and play in the makeup aisles of Sephora.

Great point!

Hmmmmmm! Now you have me curious. Do you want to share what activities. We talking a team sport?

Food for thought. I have lost very few people in my transition. I admit to being fortunate. I have also gained people. I mean people I already knew. It is amazing when people (usually women) are told of 'the truth,' and you see their guard instantly melt away. My sister in law was this way. Then there are the two health care providers who were closeted but came out to me because I was someone to now trust. One was my nurse who, while I was waiting on the operating table, came out and told me of her truth and promised to look out for me. The guys I work with have been especially rewarding for me. Guys are a bit harder to win over in my experience. When they get it, and talk to you like you are just one of the women, it is wonderful. There is a different quality to their voice when they speak to you. Softer, I would say! Of course, being ma'amed is obviously fun. I think at some point I reached a tipping point where I was more in the female subset of life socially. The coolness of it being expected to take the female path instead of the male path. Not just wanting to do the female thing but being expected to do the female thing. I just love it. Yes I am quite binary and yes these are my experiences. YMMV. I guess I am trying to give a glimpse of what could be in store. When you talked about what you might give up, it started me thinking about what I miss about my old life. Only one thing comes to mind. I miss being able to speak without having to think about how I sound. That is something I expect to fix. The rest is making me want to wake up every day and just enjoy. It wasn't easy to get to this point, but I also had a crap load of fun in my transition. It starts out harder but generally gets easier. I think when someone considers transition, there are so many fears that are never realized. I get worrying about them, but so many amount to nothing. Again, YMMV and I am not telling you what to do. Just food for thought.

Moni

KimOct · March 08, 2019, 12:26:16 AM

I enjoy joking around with Moni but in all seriousness she knows her $#1+. The note above is spot on in my experience.

In general women are more accepting - I think it is because men's masculinity is threatened and women no longer see us as the other team. Tonight I had a very personal conversation with a new cis woman friend that I am positive would not have happened if I was still a guy. She knew me then but we didn't talk at all. I am actually going to start a thread about it but per usual I digress.

Regarding throwing that old life away that doesn't have to be the case to the degree you think it does. The entire point of this is being who you really are. Think of some stereotypical male activities - Hunting - softball - hockey - working on cars - riding a motorcycle - on and on. You can do ALL of them. I guess there is a handful of things you couldn't do but not many.

One of my first supporters is a transwoman that is a biker chick.

Don't pigeon hole yourself - you can live this life however you want to. Just because we identify as women doesn't mean we have to go around all frilly and drinking with our pinky in the air.

Women come in all shapes and sizes - personalities - occupations - hobbies - manners of dress etc etc.

And for the friends that reject you - why would you want them anyway? Some may reject you but I am VERY confident that it will be fewer than you think.

Maybe you hang around with some macho guys but here's the thing - are they jerks?? If so well then you have a problem. Are they decent guys ?? If so it will be better than you think. Even if they are tobacco chewing - butt kicking - beer can crushing tough guys - if they are good people then you will be fine.

BTW don't tell Moni that I said she is smart

Emma1017 · March 08, 2019, 08:25:42 AM

Wow this site can really draw out a lot from a person.

OK Moni I will answer your question: "Hmmmmmm! Now you have me curious. Do you want to share what activities. We talking a team sport?"

I have been a scuba diver since I was 17. My specialty is wreck diving. I have been a partner on a treasure salvage operation for over 10 years. It is one of the most dangerous diving there is. People die regularly. It requires physical strength and absolute confidence in everyone around you when you dive.

I will not be able to continue diving like this if I transition. My age is the first consideration but if I add the time I need when I start with surgeries, I am professionally done.

It has been an important part of my life. I have decided that it is a good time to retire from that kind of diving, so saying good bye to my old gender includes saying good bye to other things.

I accept that. I even welcome it and I am extremely happy with the change.

I appreciate your thoughts Moni and Kim. I am starting to internalize that there is at least a half filled glass.

I am starting to commit myself to actually fill the glass all the way up. Why not? I feel this tremendous excitement. As I said earlier, new toys and if necessary, new friends.

I finally get it. Thanks.

Massive hugs,

Emma

P.S.

Just to clarify my professional job has funded the diving. I'm a lousy golfer.

Linde · March 08, 2019, 08:45:41 AM

Besides working on cars, my very macho hobby is offroading (preferably rock climbing). I am a member in a pretty closed group of offroaders, and we have Wahtsapp meeting group. When I came out to them (I am th only woman there), the attitude in the Wahtsapp chat went to nice and polite, because now a woman was there. That did not last very long, after they realized that i can still do guys talk as well as I ever could as a guy. We are now the same tough guy group again, and I am still a member of it, I just look a little prettier now!

Kim mentioned the conversation she had with a cis woman. Well, I only have cis female friends, and we are now talking about female things (including female hygiene), they would never ever talked with me before about! Several of them knew that I was female when I was still presenting as a guy, but now that I am presenting as a woman among women, the closeness has increased even more.

I Found that the world out there is way more understanding and accepting than I was afraid they would. Those who don't, are not worth the while to be our friends anyway!