Confused

[IndigoBookshelf]

Hi everyone. So I am new here and I guess this is a sort of introduction. I did used to have an account here as an MTF but I left quite some time ago. I had surgery a few years back after a lot of difficulty obtaining it but have started to have doubts as to whether I did the right thing.

Basically, at the time I was dysphoric and desperately wanted SRS. I remember feeling really happy on the day that I had it done and I was content for a long time but I have got to a point now am not so sure if I did the right thing.

The thing that confuses me is that I like being flat down there and I like my new appearance in the mirror but I actually miss the feeling of the old parts. For a long time I tried to forget all the fantasies I used to have that featured myself having a penis because I thought it wouldn't be healthy for me post-op. I thought that everything would just convert in my mind but they didn't. I am I couldn't climax or enjoy sex though, and one day I just let it go and I indulged in a fantasy from the past where I had my old parts. It made me so excited and I was able to climax For the first time in ages. Ever since then I have found that I can climax but I feel more and more wrong.

I don't know why I am like this. I am happy living as I am now but I miss my old parts at times. When I had them all I wanted was them gone, but after having a vagina for a while, I think I felt better before the surgery. I have got myself in a loop that I can't find a way out from. I am not sure if actually want the old parts back but I seem to have a lot of fantasies about the idea. It's like deja Vous because that used to happen the other way round.

[Northern Star Girl]

@IndigoBookshelf
Dear IndigoBookshelf 
I am certain that other members, after reading what you wrote in your posting will be along to share their thoughts with you.
I understand from your posting that you stated that you were a member quite a while ago...  but I am figuring that we need to start anew.

Thank you today for your first posting here on Susan's Place.  I am first going to give you a proper welcome and some information that will help you to most benefit being here on the Forums.

I am so glad that you have just become a member of Susan's Place and that you have shared your interesting and detailed posting with the members here on the Forums.  Many of our members will now be aware of your arrival here on the Forums and can address some of the things that you stated on your very first posting here.

I am thinking that you may have lots more questions and concerns, this is the right place for you to be to find out what others have done that may have been in your circumstances.
Be aware that there are a lot of members here that can identify with your situation as you feel free to share it.

Please allow me to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place. 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others  and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.
It is nice that you had signed up so you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 

Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace. 
I have included Important LINKS that will tell you about Susan's Place.  Included there is information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

[Northern Star Girl]

@IndigoBookshelf
Oh, and another thing IndigoBookshelf:
Please stop by the  Introductions Forum  to tell the members about yourself.  You can include some brief information from your first post here on this thread so other like-minded members will be able to share with you and you with them.

Enjoy your time here on the Forums, I trust that you will find this an enjoyable and informative experience.
Best wishes to you.
Danielle

[Megan.]

Hi ☺️. I'm pre-surgery, so can't fully empathise, but could you  be over thinking this. If a fantasy works for you, then use it. I don't see anything wrong with what you describe at all.

If in a position to do so, you might seek out a therapist to talk through your feelings and work through them.

Good luck. X

[IndigoBookshelf]

Thank you Megan. I see your point. I suppose I am just worried that such fantasies might imply that had regret. The problem I have is that if it was partially the fantasy that caused me to want surgery, it means that I may have done it for the wrong reason.

I do miss the feel of the parts. Strangely though I do feel more comfortable being flat but fantasising about not being than the opposite. I guess maybe my fantasy is similar to a woman using a strapping on another woman, sort of. I just don't want to feel like I am odd as a woman to have such fantasies.

[Megan.]

I'm not sure how old you are, but you may have had those fantasies for many years, your brain knows they work, regardless of your revised plumbing [emoji4]

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

[Devlyn]

All's fair in love and war...and especially sex!