Transition Guilt

[Athenajacob]

I am feeling extremely guilty about going through this process at all, and I am trying to be as slow as I can for my wife, which means not even a glimmer of HRT right now, only the most minimal out dressing (all hidden), not out to anyone except my wife (including our son), our therapists and certain strangers (like realtors in LGBTTIQ-friendly communities we are looking into), and she is having a very hard time and very much wants me to be a man forever.

As I noted in another post (sorry getting used to these forums still) she has some interest in me en femme but is afraid she will not be attracted to me later, and really wants me to just forget the whole thing. I don't feel like putting the genie back in the bottle is possible, or even makes sense, but I really, genuinely feel very bad about all of this. It's exactly why I avoided relationships so hard for so long, but when my wife came along and stayed despite all my attempts to push her away, and ended up pregnant too soon after the marriage started (6 mo) it became too later for me to try and tell her everything so she could decide to stay or go before becoming "stuck".

But just to openly contradict myself, I wish I could just not be like this and forget it all so she is out of pain. Or at least maybe take a break, but last time we opened this up and started really talking it through, the break lasted essentially 2 years with us not doing anything really other than me hiding it and her trying to find me out (we both knew what was going on, but would play a game of deception so she could pretend it was just a temporary issue). And then to see-saw, I feel like I should feel bad (but that's not a good idea since the feelings can build into true depression, stare out at nothing type of depression, involuntary sadness depression) and transitioning is far too selfish and far too extreme to allow my marriage to survive (which I really really want), and that I should just cheese the whole thing and shut up my mouth and emotions again, and go back to less healthy coping mechanisms or try to be numb.

Kind of like do you hurt the one you love, or lie to yourself--which one really is worse? And she has the same dilemma but in converse; do you help the one you love, or make them live a lie. At this point, I just wish I could have been uncloseted from my teenage years, but I had no idea transgender even existed (I lived in a small mountain town like Southpark) and found someone interested in me for that instead of charging towards heterosexual marriage.

[Dani]

All of us transgender people who are in a heterosexual marriage have the same feelings and concerns. We knew we were different before marriage and marriage did not change anything in us. We do not want to hurt anyone else and we struggle with the dysphoria.

For the fortunate few, some of us have accepting partners. Sometimes, they now view us as a relative of their spouse  who is no longer alive. This may be motivated by economic or personal issues, but I know of a few post op ladies whose wife of many years are accepting of their new relationship.

We must all make a decision on how to live our life once we come to terms with our transgender condition. Some of us need full transition. Others are satisfied with just cross dressing on occasion, and, of course, there are many variations in between.

For myself, transition was much easier when my marriage broke down because of other issues. I kept my gender dysphoria hidden or suppressed for many years and I was totally prepared to live my full life without transition. That didn't happen and here I am. The only regret I have is not having the correct information when I was much younger. Transition would have been much easier as a teenager than someone who is in their 60's.

For those of us with a good marriage, the decision to transition or not is much more difficult. Many times we sacrifice our own personal well being for the sake of the family. We really do not want to hurt anyone else.

I wish you the best in how you deal with your condition and, please, at the very least, keep your lines of communication open with your spouse. Nothing is worse than feeling cut off and abandoned.

[sarahc]

I have never been married, but I completely understand your feelings. I too feel a lot of guilt for choosing to transition because of the burden I will be putting on others. I am very involved in my community and sit on a few local boards but I have yet to come out at all in the broader community. When I do, I expect there is going to be a lot of disappointment in me. People whom I have worked with are going to be stunned and it's going to put them in an awkward position because my presence could be perceived as a reputational threat to the institutions I'm involved in. There's a lot of people who are going to get hurt, especially my family members who are likely to lose some social standing in my community.

And I ask myself...is doing something which helps me but harms so many people I care about really a moral thing to do? Honestly, it's not something I'm terribly comfortable dealing with yet, and it is the key thing I'm dealing with in therapy.

My challenges pale in comparison to those that spouses face when one spouse chooses to transition, but I sympathize with your regret at this whole situation that I'm forcing on other people I love. For me at least, overcoming this challenge will be the most difficult one of my transition. I wish you and your family the best in getting through this.

[RabbitSpectre]

Everyone I think feels this way at first, but it can really be counterproductive to your transition and being free with yourself.

Being considerate is a wonderful trait we should never lose as people, however, I once saw a 'things you should never say to trans people' comic by Sophie Labelle that did raise some poignant exmaples. Among them were "Well,you transitioning is really hard on me" and "This is just as difficult for me as it is for you." I had to think a moment ethically, and yes, while I understand that for people in our lives, this may be difficult, it is aboslutely NOTHING compared to what you face as a transgender person, as well as the rest of us in the community. The fact that we feel guilty at all for being ourselves, and other people think it's hard for them, is kinda a slap in the face of societal bias and generalization, as well as reinforcing those beliefs that have caused us so much pain to begin with.

I'm DEFINITELY not suggesting anyone go on a warpath of ultimatums with the people in their lives, that's nearly never good advice, but it's time other people got over themselves and realized what we suffer on a daily basis, especially in our earlier stages of the transition. It already takes a great deal for us to accept ourselves when this sort of behavior by people leads entirely in the opposite direction.

For me, it came eventually to a point where anyone who was going to act weird or judgy, or act like it was a hassle were just faded out of my life. If I'm a hassle to them, then neither of us need to be in each other's lives, period. I don't need that after years of society imposing it's subjective and defeatist ideas of gender and roles on me. And if they really care bout me, it shouldn't matter. Others were really cool and very accepting, and though they made mistakes often in my early stages, it was entirely unintentional, and never done with spite or hints of selfishly making themselves a victim somehow to it. Naturally, I had endless patience with them in comparison.

I guess what I'm saying is that, in the end, some people will accept you and others wont regardless of how you approach this. Waiting with being yourself is never a good idea unless you are in a dangerous place, in which case you should try to change that asap. Either way, you need to be free and be yourself.
In the words of the immortally wise Dr. Seuss: 'Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter, don't mind.'

[Allison S]

I'm not married or in any type of romantic involvement. But I feel a bit unsure of my day to day satisfaction. I like being a woman, but it was a huge build up to what seems like... Very little.
I don't mean this applies to you and your wife, it definitely doesn't apply for your wife at all...
It's a hard thing for one spouse to go through with another. I think in some ways, because we internalize so much of our dysphoria and general disapproval of gender roles, we build up to "the transition". Where as, even though our loved ones may know subconciously, it can be hard to accept conciously.

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[randim]

I feel your pain Athena.  This is *the* key issue for me.  If my wife announced she wanted a divorce or got hit by a bus, I'd be running as fast as my old legs could manage down the transition path.  As it is, my feet feel frozen in ice.  We've been married 35 years.  She is in retirement.  I will be soon.  It would be a substantial financial hardship on her if we separated.  It would be for me as well but well worth it to not be closeted anymore.  But she gets no benefit at all, just the end of a lot of plans and dreams.  The feeling of guilt is enormous.  I will say this though.  Based on my experience and the testimony of others, the dysphoria and your feelings will not disappear.  You may well reach a point where you simply can't suppress them.  I fear (or is it hope? maybe both) I may be reaching that point. You don't mention your age or how long you've been married, but obviously the sooner you reach some kind of resolution the better.  Remember that being trans is a large part of who you are.  If your spouse can't accept that, she really can't accept you, in your entirety. If so, you need to consider how imperfect a marriage you're willing to accept for her sake.

[Moonflower]

AthenaJacob, how hard it must be to look back and see missed opportunities to tell your wife about who you really were. How painful it must be to recall when the two of you went through the 2-year break.

I appreciate your delaying transitioning, hiding your dressing and femaleness, because of not wanting to cause your wife pain. I hear you saying that you are very attached to your wife, and frightened of losing her. I understand that your marriage has been more important than transitioning, so it has been delaying your transitioning. I hear you saying that you are wondering whether this will be the case for much longer, so you want to find a way to make your marriage work while you transition -- but that seems hopeless.

Regarding your wife, I wonder if you and she can try out different ways of adapting to the fact that you are transgender. I understand that her changing her understanding of who you are is very painful to her. You can't control whether she feels pain. Or confusion, disgust, delight, curiosity, or relief or anything else. But you are clearly taking her feelings into consideration as you make your choices. I wonder how far you've gone to explore where her feelings are coming from. What beliefs are triggering them? How attached is she to those beliefs?

I have a lot of hope as you mention looking into LGBTQIA-friendly communities. That could be a tremendous source of support for both you and your wife. Since you seem to be worried about feeling guilty, such a community could be a great help to her as she sorts out how she wants to respond to you. And a great help to you as you continue to discover what you expect of yourself as a spouse, and what to expect from a wife.

[Julie -2010]

Athena,

  I share a lot of the same issues.  I've been married for 32 years and my wife as always known.  My children don't know yet.  I have taken it really slow because I don't want to lose her, but I have hit that wall.  I've started down the path and I see it picking up speed quickly.  I've been on HRT about 20 months and I'm telling my sons about me this month.  I feel that guilt all the time of the hurt that I'm putting on my wife especially now that more people are going to start finding out which means more people judge or more people my wife may be embarrassed to see.  I have to start this or it is going to kill me.

Good luck with your path.  You have one life you should be happy.

Julie

[Athenajacob]

I'm not married or in any type of romantic involvement. But I feel a bit unsure of my day to day satisfaction. I like being a woman, but it was a huge build up to what seems like... Very little.
I don't mean this applies to you and your wife, it definitely doesn't apply for your wife at all...
It's a hard thing for one spouse to go through with another. I think in some ways, because we internalize so much of our dysphoria and general disapproval of gender roles, we build up to "the transition". Where as, even though our loved ones may know subconciously, it can be hard to accept conciously.

In my case I have offered to be mostly closeted (her fear is mostly public condemnation), but she insists that I must fully transition and that it will happen regardless. I am already much more satisfied being out with a limited sphere (her, in a full way) and people like realtors, and LGBT center employees and therapists; it feels a lot less abnormal that I have this strange set of feelings about my identity which honestly do not make a lot of sense to me.

Yes, I prefer to be fully and completely transitioned and have the means to do so, but she prefers I be 100% a man; and so we are definitively diametrically opposed; which I tell her means a compromise is possible, to which she just shuts down and insists that there is no hope that I will not eventually fully transition. She may be right, but this coupled with her insistence that I am the one being speedy (She, not me, pushes HRT; I still want to work through therapy for a while first and to ensure our relationship is settled either via a continuation plan or cessation plan, particularly since we have a young son). I have a feeling given my love for her that I can get by on less than a full transition, but as I have shown her how much calmer and happier I feel as a woman (and how much more fun I am ) she has doubts.

She also seems to have guilt for finding me attractive as a woman as well; she has initiated relations several times this week and insisted I dress when I am not. I think I can be ok with this lifestyle, and perhaps going out of town and dressing full on occasion, if that's what it takes to save the marriage--even though a full transition is my ultimate denouement, I am willing to do it with the understanding that she will likely accede to a gradual transition. She is not particularly mentally flexible, but always eventually sees things my way.

Its really weird being truly in love with her, I always thought when the time came we would just divorce and I would move on, but I have found myself to be extremely attached to her, and her to I. It's just society that is really holding us back (almost 98% her, really; I just want to move to a LGBTTIQ friendly area first is all).

[Athenajacob]

Athena,

  I share a lot of the same issues.  I've been married for 32 years and my wife as always known. 

This is one of the deals I offered her, to wait until the kid (and any future kids) are 18, and to write up a letter explaining why we hid it from them (to avoid public scorn, teasing and any gender confusion--she is very worried about this too, but receptive to learning more to see how much of an issue it might be, any recommendations on this subject would be very welcome!).

I tell her I can do this with some stealth behavior, but that, of course, its not what I want to do. That said, I of course really do not want to do it. I am 32 and want to have a shot at being myself now, at least in part. We have plenty of economic security so I can always do it and remain friends (in or out of the family home) and support everyone, but this also is not my preference either.

Some days I see the marriage as a lost cause, and others I see nothing but a bright future. Either way, every day I wake up I just feel unhappy that she cannot just get over her perception of society and understanding that I am willing to take it slow--to me just going to therapy is not going fast, going on HRT would be going fast, and I am not 100% on board with that as of yet since I do not know enough about it and about what our lives should be--should I be stealth and avoid the BS that our society imposes on me and my family and transition later on (as you are doing), or should I just say cheese it, I am going to do what I want and be a pioneer.

I kind of feel with my education and resources I owe it to myself and the community to be a pioneer to try and help change things, I feel like our community is relegated to the 1950's style closeting other LGB groups experienced and were able to overcome and that we can do so too. I simply do not understand why we seem so incredibly scary to people other than there is an impulse to reject any sexual behavior not 100% geared towards procreation (which many of us still do).

[Athenajacob]

You don't mention your age or how long you've been married, but obviously the sooner you reach some kind of resolution the better.  Remember that being trans is a large part of who you are.  If your spouse can't accept that, she really can't accept you, in your entirety. If so, you need to consider how imperfect a marriage you're willing to accept for her sake.

I am 32 and we have been married for 5 years, and have a nearly 4 year old son. I can certainly empathize with your situation as well, to have waited so long and never transition must be a very bitter pill and all of this guilt is so unnecessary--I mean in my situation I literally offered to give up sex if necessary to transition and remain a co-parent/roomate/friend--this created an uneasy truce, but I really don't know. It's odd, I feel like she is pushing me to transition (she is pushing HRT, and I am saying wait a second, you want more children potentially so lets bank my sperm; and also I do not know anywhere near enough about HRT and what we want as a couple to start it); she also is the sexual aggressor suddenly and has admitted she has deeply suppressed bisexual feelings.

I think she will come around, and would probably already be getting there, but her great fear is the effect on our son; she is worried I will "turn" him transgender, and that he may already have tendencies and I will push him forward. I see her worry, he looks up to me greatly and when she offhand asked (I told her not to do this until we reached a decision, but she doesn't listen)if our son minded if Daddy were a girl, he responded with a very affirmative "NO!"; add to that certain behaviours and it seems plausible, but who knows.

Her other fear is appearing lesbian, and our son being ostracized; I offered to move to a LGBTTIQ friendly community and she is open to it, but I really don't know if she even wants to be married at all. I often feel it is better to separate and just move on, but I am not 100% willing to let go yet.

I met my wife online after 25 years of celibacy (save a few instances of childhood sexual trauma perpetrated against me) and we had a reasonably long courtship of around a year, but we got married quickly after I suffered through caregiving for my grandfather after a brutal series of strokes, botched surgeries and macabre homecare; I was promptly jettisoned from my family for marrying outside of my race (So trans was a definite no...I mean these are ancient attitudes here) and pilloried for years (threatened with prosecution and disbarment). During a particularly desperate time, when I had no job, just a little savings and was putting my wife through her last semester of school, she got serious baby fever and we had our son. Prior to this, I was actually thinking of leaving her due to my trans issues to avoid hurting her (yes, talking would have been far better--I was "cleared" by a couple of therapists and had no idea there was such a thing as gender therapy until a few months ago). But soon after the birth of our son she developed post-partum depression and so I broke my crossdressing to her gently 2 years after our son was born.

She said she did not believe she could be with me if I fully transitioned and refused to go to therapy at that time. Fast forward to now, and with my grandmother's passing we now have economic security and I unambiguously told her the truth and insisted on therapy (and am dressing more based on therapists recommendations, and feel generally better except the marital malaise).

She is trying to process things, but its not going great--I work from home so we are together an awful lot and it leads to circular discussions until we get a third party involved which seems to smooth it out. I wish we could go to therapy every day to get things on the right track, and I could even quit my job in a few months and do this I suppose, but its gets draining.

Additionally, I get the feeling she has FTM leanings and is afraid of them. I like FaceApp to help me see what I could look like as a woman, and she uses it too and makes herself into a man. I think she looks darn good actually, but she insists she looks horrible and not attractive. She actually fantasized about being male last time we made love, however, so I am not really sure. She insists that she does want to have a man's brain and look like a woman, but that she does not want to be a man (she is relatively petite and feels she would look ridiculous and also insists I am brainwashing her; but FTM is not something I ever sought out, but of course I would be 100% accepting of her no matter what given my ask, and I am pretty flexible as far as attraction anyway).

Long rant I know, but this all seems so bizaree and unnecessarily hard because of the opressive lense of society--I mean is it really that important what a loving couple does within a marriage?

[Athenajacob]

Regarding your wife, I wonder if you and she can try out different ways of adapting to the fact that you are transgender. I understand that her changing her understanding of who you are is very painful to her. You can't control whether she feels pain. Or confusion, disgust, delight, curiosity, or relief or anything else. But you are clearly taking her feelings into consideration as you make your choices. I wonder how far you've gone to explore where her feelings are coming from. What beliefs are triggering them? How attached is she to those beliefs?

A lot of her feelings seem to be anxiety about what other people will think and how it will affect our child (and any future children if we have them). I appreciate your mention that moving to a LGBTTIQ friendly place would be helpful--I work remote, and we are selling out old place and renting so we are definitely mobile. We are already in CA, so probably one of the communities here would be the fit.

I think that if she knows that other people will not be hateful to us in our neighboorhood and that our child(ren) will not be incessantly teased since much of the student body will have LGBTTIQ parents that this would greatly ease her concerns.

Her other concern is family, I have really none (estranged father, I suspect is trans closeted, step-father who is alright but I could lose without major emotional distress, and a mother whom I avoid, along with a couple of half-brothers who I talk to and see, but could live without if they cannot accept it, which I doubt would be the case). She feels her family would judge her for staying--and she may be right. But her family is not particularly helpful to her, and in fact cause her much distress (father always needs favors and wants money from me, which I don't give him, and her mother is very much vapid and into competing with her daughter--but they are her safety net, and particularly now she feels she needs them which I get). I think my father-in-law knows/suspects because he nosed around our home and found my wigs and shoes and made a point to discuss Caitlyn Jenner with me (that along with his theory that the world is flat, that was a fun one) and really wants to hang around anyway to try and scam money off me (he has tried already), and my mother-in-law always wants free legal advice (father-in-law too) so I doubt they are going anywhere, but you never know.

The strongest most gut-wrenching feeling/fear seems to be my wife's fear of her being bisexual. I explained that sexual spectrum indicates most of us are, and that in technicality even if I fully transition she is not still not lesbian since I was a man when she married me, but she repeatedly responds she feels being lesbian is "Disgusting". It seems to be tied to a childhood sexual experience of hers, and a deep-seeded fear of befriending women in order to avoid lesbian encounters.

She also prefers lesbian type sexual behaviours (i.e. cunnilingus) and is pushing me to transition, so I think she is afraid we are honestly too compatible; that she really wants a woman and cannot admit it (she strongly hints at this), and so I am holding out to try and help her through.

Its weird--she says I am pushing her fast, but her actions push me faster than I want to go; I almost wonder if she is just projecting her desire for me to be passable quick so she can have what she wants--she says things like, "you have to get lasik so I can focus on your green eyes", and "you have to get your teeth whitened", and she is pushing SRS and HRT both of which I am far from sure about--so I don't know if she is trying to be supportive or make me into some sort of fantasy Stepford wife.

She also talks like a woman, but gets frustrated like a man--and says all the time she feels like she needs to be the man; and so as in my other posts, I don't know if she is just compensating based on what I told her my goal is, or if she is closeted as a lesbian, FTM, bisexual or something else?

[Nina]

Things sort of worked out so-so for me, in that I didn't have to confront my ex-wife about being trans. Only because I didn't know I was trans, but I had cd a few times. We had been married roughly 8 years, marriage was like walking on pins and needles. I had a lot of angst and anxiety, but didn't know where or what it was from.
We separated in 2007, and it was then, for some reason I was on a chat site, I learned more about the trans community. More and more I learned, I felt like I needed to talk to someone. Fortunately, in the city where I used to live, a highly recommended gender therapist was just down the street.
Long story short, I came out, transitioned full time in 2008, and now celebrating 10 years.
Some would say I was selfish in that I put myself ahead my wife. But I didn't know who I was, or why I was unhappy. I doubt I could have lived a lie living with her, nor would have I wanted to transition while married. I had to break free and start anew.
I haven't heard from my ex since 2008. I have no idea how she is doing. I wonder often, and feel bad what I put her through. She had to deal with telling her family, our friends etc. I just walked away.

[Julie -2010]

-should I be stealth and avoid the BS that our society imposes on me and my family and transition later on (as you are doing), or should I just say cheese it, I am going to do what I want and be a pioneer.

You need to do what is best for you.  Not the wife or your child or the community.  Yes you have to take them into your decision but if you do something that makes you unhappy your going to be bring that unhappiness with you.  I would say just slow down and get your head right first.  You are still young and have time to go on HRT if that is what you decide.  You really first need to be comfortable with who you are and really where you want to go.  You want the wife to go on the path with you but that is her decision you can only say that you need to follow a path.  Good luck.

Julie

[Veronica J]

You need to do what is best for you.  Not the wife or your child or the community.  Yes you have to take them into your decision but if you do something that makes you unhappy your going to be bring that unhappiness with you.  I would say just slow down and get your head right first.  You are still young and have time to go on HRT if that is what you decide.  You really first need to be comfortable with who you are and really where you want to go.  You want the wife to go on the path with you but that is her decision you can only say that you need to follow a path.  Good luck.

Julie

So true, I agree with this so totally. you cant control other peoples actions only your own. its can be a hard choice, but it does catch up with you in time. sort of like a slow train, that as the years roll by picks up speed and then one day out of the blue it hits.. so denying it or hiding it wont work in the long term is not the way to go from my experience.  100% agree with the above.

[Athenajacob]

You need to do what is best for you.  Not the wife or your child or the community.  Yes you have to take them into your decision but if you do something that makes you unhappy your going to be bring that unhappiness with you.  I would say just slow down and get your head right first.  You are still young and have time to go on HRT if that is what you decide.  You really first need to be comfortable with who you are and really where you want to go.  You want the wife to go on the path with you but that is her decision you can only say that you need to follow a path.  Good luck.

Julie

Thank you Julie for your support. Things are going pretty well honestly, but it is slow for me (and I am sure fast for my wife). I am writing this appearing as I wish (mostly-ish, well in practical terms a major improvement at least!). My wife is accepting but has very specific fears which I believe can be overcome with therapy--and in her case visual aid discussion. She is very much a "see it to believe it" type--she needs to know HRT is safe, how it will affect our son (she wants more than anecdotal evidence, any resource suggestions would be welcome!), how much of a transition I need (I want full, but realize the limits of certain things may be changing and am not anywhere even done with my initial research--I also have great sympathy for my wife's love of my male equipment, so I am not sure how to fully handle that yet)--as an example, her seeing me dress at home repeatedly and not just in a sexual context has made her begin to realize I am truly trans and this is not an act--but she has far to go. I am under tremendous stress and she thinks that being trans may be because of this--any resources on this would also be very welcome! I hope you have a good weekend Julie and I appreciate your comments!

[Athenajacob]

So true, I agree with this so totally. you cant control other peoples actions only your own. its can be a hard choice, but it does catch up with you in time. sort of like a slow train, that as the years roll by picks up speed and then one day out of the blue it hits.. so denying it or hiding it wont work in the long term is not the way to go from my experience.  100% agree with the above.

Thank you for that perspective--I feel like the train hit me now, I was done with the thoughts (beyond dysphoria into a point of casual dispair I suppose--the feeling of existential helplessness to the point where I would live and die without ever being released from what I feel like is a societally imposed gender police state). The memories of anti-trans rhetoric communicated to me with the speaker unaware that they were directly assaulting my being, I will not repeat them, but there were many--seeing positive messages, feeling my wife can and does seem to love me is beyond positive. Even if we did not work out I still would love and respect her for everything she is trying to do for me. She is honestly very supportive, but there is so much going on in our lives right now it just a blessing I could finally get her to go to therapy with me, that our son has taken so well to preschool and that since I work at home and my job is relatively low impact that we can discuss all of these things and really try and actually work through our concerns. I mean we shopped for makeup and ordered Cosmo today (she revels in the teenage, but who am I to judge?) and she helped me shop for clothes online (some of the results were excellent, such as the forms I am wearing--never had before--its amazing how zen I feel with them, so much of my life my transwomanhood has been processed by me as fetish as a defense mechanism, to normalize it is the epitome of a boon to my mental wellbeing)--and others were hilarious like the skirt we ordered as a 6X because we thought that's what the chart calculated my size as (I am probably a 1x)--and my wife is really acknowledging a lot about herself too, like that no one taught her to do makeup (her mom was not present) and so we can learn together, that we don't want to be apart (I want her to go to professional school so we can open a practice together, I can start it since I am licensed I suppose).

Yes, its saccharine, but for the first time I feel everything will be ok. Just being "out" to so many people considering I was not even able to be "out" beyond my own head--I just started speaking the term that I am "trans" within the past few weeks I mean! I feel such solace and relief in this, I cannot express.