Is being -you- tiring?

[kellb]

Hi all,

   I'm 30 months on HRT, 10 months post SRS, 6 months RLE... I have been immensely happy with being my real self, and almost universally been met with love and support.  Now that I'm past the first while of fear and anxiety, every day I wake up and tell my fiance that I'm so happy to be doing this.

   One thing I have noticed, though, is that the daily grind of getting ready to go out, dressing carefully, modulating my voice, and doing everything I can to pass, has gradually been getting to me and wearing me down.  Almost like I have 'transition fatigue'.

   Is this something other people experience?  Is it just that being female is harder, or loss of testosterone, or just that maybe I didn't care about myself before?  I don't know... but I'd love some comparative insight from others with more experience.

   -Kellb

[Allison S]

Wow that's interesting. No, I wouldn't say it's "tiring", but it is a LOT of work to be a "woman" in some ways. Hair, makeup, clothing, jewlery, perfume, nails, purse... Is that even everything? Hm probably not...
But I think it does slowly come together. I'm still barely a month "RLE" but have been "dressing" for almost 2 years.
I think ffs and body contouring can really help ease some of my discomfort personally.

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[Virginia]

Have you considered you may be putting too much effort into being the kind of woman you expect yourself to be rather than just being the woman you are?

I have Dissociative Identity Disorder/Multiple Personality Disorder (DID/MPD) as a result of childhood trauma and share the body with a female alter. I sleep 10 hours most nights, 12-14 for a few days after she has had the body for a week or so. For her part, as much as she enjoys the time to live her life, my female alter is ready fade into the background or express herself as me when she gets home. It's been this way since she became self aware 9 years ago. The extra effort of being a girl aside, it takes a tremendous amount of energy for my mind to maintain the high level of dissociation necessary to keep up the delusion that I am a separate man and woman. It shouldn't be this exhausting for a healthy person to just be themself.

[Veronica J]

Have you considered you may be putting too much effort into being the kind of woman you expect yourself to be rather than just being the woman you are?

This was my thought when i read it. but then as time goes by it will become more and more natural and you simply wont think about it.

[KathyLauren]

I am 21 months on HRT, 18 months RLE, pre-op.  Aside from my statistics, I could have written your first paragraph myself.

Mostly, I don't worry about passing.  I really don't care if someone reads me as trans, as long as they gender me as female.  I pass well enough.

If I am going to a social occasion, or even grocery shopping, I might spend 10-15 minutes getting my face presentable.  But for some things, I don't bother.  I like to wear femme clothes and look nice, but if I am in a hurry, or if grubbier clothes are more appropriate, I'll wear jeans and a T-shirt.

I try to keep my voice in a suitable range, and I always put a little upward pressure on my pitch.  But it I'm tired or busy, it drops, and that's okay.

I am all about enjoying my new life.  I lived under so much self-imposed pressure for my first 61 years, that I am totally done with that.

[TaraJo]

Have you considered you may be putting too much effort into being the kind of woman you expect yourself to be rather than just being the woman you are?

That's what I was thinking.

Sure, I take my time and get really dolled up if there's something important or special I'm going to, but for day to day activities, not really.  Then I usually just wear jeans and a t-shirt.  Getting ready doesn't really take me all that much longer than it did before.  I spend a bit more time shaving than I used to, and I might have to put a little effort into getting a bra on or something like that but getting ready in general doesn't really take longer than it did before.

And if you do a little people watching, you might notice the same thing about others.  I mean, just look at the women at your grocery store, the department store, at work.  How many of them look like they put a huge amount of effort into getting dressed each day?  How many of them really work with their makeup or ornate outfits? 

EDIT:  I also think it's worth it to point out, lack of effort into getting dolled up doesn't seem to interfere with me passing, either.  Nobody looks twice when I use the women's room and, nobody genders me as 'he' or 'him,' even by accident.  I even get occasional cat calls when I'm out jogging (mixed blessing, that).  I think one of the really "done" moments for transition was when I stopped feeling like I had to go out of my way to look like 'me' and when I could just role out of bed, go answer the door without cleaning myself up or anything and I'm still me.  When I don't have to try to be me to be me.  If that makes sense.

[Rayna]

My biggest problem is hair/lack of hair (ignore my avatar with the long wig). I have to shave, and even then my beard and mustache show up too clearly for my taste. I use foundation to cover, but then there's time and effort.

I throw on a hat to cover the bald top of my head, and I'm growing the rest of my hair long which helps.

I'd love to remove my facial and neck hair, and then I think with a hat or wig I could pass fairly well with minimal effort.

So it sortta depends on whatever features you feel you need to cover or enhance to get the presentation you want.

[kellb]

Thanks for all the helpful comments - it's useful to hear.  To clarify, I actually pass very well, even without makeup.  The physical effort of getting ready isn't so bad and certainly is routine for me now (I mostly stick some powder on and brush my hair nicely).  That said, I'm extremely high-octane as an ambitious academic - I do work myself extremely hard quite above all the other things I've suffered as a transwoman.

I rather feel that it's the emotional burden of having to care about passing at all.  Having to care about my voice (especially this!).

Maybe it's just all too much for me right now?

[Virginia]

I rather feel that it's the emotional burden of having to care about passing at all.  Having to care about my voice (especially this!).

Maybe it's just all too much for me right now?

These would be a good topics for discussion with your therapist.

[Allison S]

Yes, definitely a good idea to discuss with a therapist. Though needing a mental break from is so important. Even when it comes to social interactions... I think we go through phases. It's sometimes tiring to pu in too effort and on the flip side, it can be tiring to not put any or very little effort and feel like one is just floating by. This is a question of balance and I know because I'm just starting, it's something I struggle with almost daily.

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[Lynne]

Kellb, I can relate, especially about the voice, that is the hardest for me. I feel that my transition will be finished when I can pass on a bad day without too much conscious effort, even when I just got out of bed.

[Maid Marion]

I just figured out that one of the reasons I present so reliably as female on the phone.  I took a lot of speech therapy from a woman therapist who taught me to modulate my sentences!  I talked to someone who remembers me pre-therapy from a long time ago and he asked if I has his wife! (from the last name).

[Nina]

After 10 years RLE and 4+ years post op, here is what I've learned over the years:
Height - at the start, I was worried about my height, because of things I read in forums. Yet, no one ever, ever confronted me or said anything about my height. It has never been a problem.
Voice - again, at the start, was always told I needed either vocal cord surgery or voice training. I tried the latter for a few weeks, then gave up. 10 years later, I never practice, I don't pretend to have another voice. No one cares! Whether I'm at the bank, grocery store, talking to strangers, never be outed or criticized.

Bottom line, when I stopped trying hard to be a woman, I became who I really am. Everything comes natural, because I don't worry what others think.
I don't wear high heels, but cowboy boots and sneakers
Haven't worn a dress in like six or seven years.
I haven't worn make up in 9 months.
I've been married now 4 years to a wonderful guy.
I have lots of friends and hobbies that have me interacting all the time.
Simply put, no one has ever thought of me as transgender...but simply as Nina.
My takeaway is to let worries go, be yourself.

[Allison S]

After 10 years RLE and 4+ years post op, here is what I've learned over the years:
Height - at the start, I was worried about my height, because of things I read in forums. Yet, no one ever, ever confronted me or said anything about my height. It has never been a problem.

How tall are you?
And it's so nice hearing from someone with 10 years experience... I can tell you really want to help newcomers like me...thank you!

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[Complete]

It sounds like to me, your greatest concern seems to be your voice. This is a difficult hurdle, especially for older transitioners. There is a serious debate as to the efficacy of voice therapy vs. surgery.

[warlockmaker]

All new things soon become normal.   Changes in the way you behave, walk, talk become female naturally. Living in a major city  and in the social scene, I  dress up in dresses daily, heels are low for day wear and higher for nights.  I love going out and dressing up, makeup becomes part of your life and you soon get really good at it. I also have a daily regimin exercise as I am also a part time model. Being female we have a large selection of styles and colors to wear. Life 3 years post op settles into not trying to be someone but to finally discover who you really are..

[kellb]

Hi all - thank you for the thoughtful comments! <3

I should point out that I'm not in therapy (I don't need it, seriously), and I'm not actually that self-conscious of my voice anymore.  My speech therapist told me on my first visit that my voice passes just fine, and I've never been back.

I guess Lynne has the right of it when she says it's just the constant consciousness of passing/doing.  I've never been challenged and barely had a second-glance in public.  In private, people have been genuinely surprised when I've told them I'm trans.  I'm doing good.  But it's the constant "being on", I guess, that makes me ponder.

I do love makeup and being pretty and I don't mind my morning routine at all.  I expect that as said, one day I'll wake up and stop thinking about it, and then it won't bother me anymore.

[Memento]

I had a lot more stress going on when I made a more conscious effort to appear feminine. It's still there when I'm at work or places I frequent regularly. I guess just do what makes you happy and don't worry about the rest. Being visibly worried is more likely to out you than anything. Taking a short social break might also renew your confidence. But maybe that's just me.


Best wishes!

[gracefulhat]

After 10 years RLE and 4+ years post op, here is what I've learned over the years:
Height - at the start, I was worried about my height, because of things I read in forums. Yet, no one ever, ever confronted me or said anything about my height. It has never been a problem.
Voice - again, at the start, was always told I needed either vocal cord surgery or voice training. I tried the latter for a few weeks, then gave up. 10 years later, I never practice, I don't pretend to have another voice. No one cares! Whether I'm at the bank, grocery store, talking to strangers, never be outed or criticized.

Bottom line, when I stopped trying hard to be a woman, I became who I really am. Everything comes natural, because I don't worry what others think.
I don't wear high heels, but cowboy boots and sneakers
Haven't worn a dress in like six or seven years.
I haven't worn make up in 9 months.
I've been married now 4 years to a wonderful guy.
I have lots of friends and hobbies that have me interacting all the time.
Simply put, no one has ever thought of me as transgender...but simply as Nina.
My takeaway is to let worries go, be yourself.

How refreshing it was to read this, thank you Nina

[Allison S]

You can do what I do and assume everyone you meet already knows that you're trans. I think it works great

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